Lyrics for Uterninus's Law

Uterninus’s Law

It’s running out of Ativan the day of the HSG
It’s erections every morning except when there needs to be
The box of meds that comes after the first injection takes place
It’s having to put on another brave face

CHORUS: You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

You start trying early so you don’t miss ovulation
You’re told you just need to relax on a good vacation
Starting early always means that you drop an egg late
Twelve straight days of sex only builds hate

CHORUS: You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

You’re anovulatory when you need to test progesterone
You’re never warned before they slip the wand in
It’s the pregnancy that occurs before the adoption is old
It’s having to listen to a hundred “told you so’s.”

CHORUS: You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

You know that second betas always fall on Fridays
You miss the call and wait for results until Monday
And the definition of being a model patient
Means cancellation or hyperstimulation

CHORUS: You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

© 2007 Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters

Lyrics for Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE

My Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE

Spoken: I don’t really have an Aunt Jane, but I thought that it was easier to assign all this assvice to a fictional character rather than to the real people who said these things to me.

Lying on that table
my feet in cold stirrups
I think about advice that Aunt Jane passes my way
She graduated Google med school
The rest comes from Grey’s Anatomy
But my Aunt Jane knows more than my RE

If I’d just go on vacation
Somewhere warm like Jamaica
I’d produce embryos that live for more than eight weeks
But our vacation money
Went towards drugs I inject into me
Still my Aunt Jane knows more than my RE

If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
I’d get pregnant

She says that I’m lucky
That I don’t have a baby
Trips with my husband and nights out with my friends
I can spend my money on Prada
Instead of diapers and binkies
That’s how Aunt Jane knows more than my RE

She asks if my husband
Really knows what he’s doing
Does he need a real man to finish up the job for him?
And do I prop up my hips
After he’s gone and done the deed?
More ideas from my Aunt Jane, my new RE

If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
I’d get pregnant

And have I thought of adoption?
Then I’m sure to get pregnant
It happened to a friend of a friend who now has two kids
Just trick my body with the paperwork
I don’t even have to bring home the baby
That Aunt Jane is smarter than my RE

But she just knows we’ll have children
Feels it deep in her bones
She tells me this will all be worth it in the end
And then I’ll be invited
Into the sisterhood of mommies
And become smarter than my RE

If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
I'd get pregnant

© 2007 Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters