Lyrics for What the Gardener Knows

What the Gardener Knows

I take such close care
Of the empty beds
Nodding heads
I scatter seeds
You can’t see just what I sow
But the gardener knows

CHORUS:
If you see me
Crying
Know that it’s not what you do
I just wanted
To share
That not-yet flower with you

When we first pressed seeds
To the hugging soil
Matching smiles
Broken hearts from missing flowers
That were never found
Up above the ground

CHORUS:
If you see me
Crying
Know that it’s not what you do
I just wanted
To share
That not-yet flower with you

I imagine sweet petals
Thick, strong stems
And deep green leaves
I still love you
When you don’t appear
And remain only a dream

CHORUS:
If you see me
Crying
Know that it’s not what you do
I just wanted
To share
That not-yet flower with you

So we keep planting
Even though
We have had a long fall
So we keep planting
When spring returns
Hope is the root of it all

You say I’m not a gardener
From my empty lots
Empty heart
There is so much beneath
That I wish so hard would grow
Only the gardener knows

CHORUS:
If you see me
Crying
Know that it’s not what you do
I just wanted
To share
That not-yet flower with you

We both hurt
From trying
Lion’s heart and missing rose
I tell you this
‘Cause I need to share
What this gardener knows

© 2007 Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters

From Cats in the Cradle

Cats in the Cradle is a password-protected blog, therefore, in order to participate in the roundup celebration, I've posted this single entry from her blog here in order for other people to be able to read it. Interested in reading this blog in its entirety? Email the author and she will send you an invite.

Cats in the Cradle
Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A Preemptive Move?

Well, I don't quite know where to begin this post. It's one of those 'do you want the good news first or the bad news first' kinds of posts? I'm usually inclined to get my bad news first so I'll go with that.

This cycle is a bust. Again. I took an HPT yesterday and today so I was not shocked by the call that came on my lunch break, just hours ago, to say that the pregnancy test was negative. Yet again. I was not shocked but that does not lessen the pain much. I have a feeling a big cry is ahead and I already had one Sunday.

I am sad, of course I am. I am not as crushed as I have been other cycles, but that may not be a good sign altogether. It may just indicate how tired I am. How little hope I had for this cycle to begin with, etc. I was more sad on Sunday when I had the big cry. I cried and cried like the world was ending. Because it was. My idea of my world was ending. My world does not, and will not, look the way I wanted or expected it to. I never imagined this for myself, for my husband, or for our life together. Of all my worries (and I tned to have many) infertility wasn't even on the list. It was such a shock, and still is in some ways, rather surreal. All this pain and disappointment has been our marriage. (I mean this in terms of time, we have been enduring fertility treatments for most of our four year marriage, nice honeymoon, eh?) I really need the pain to stop. I am depressed and sad more than is healthy. It is understandable given our circumstances but that doesn't make it OK. I need to take my life back at least on some level.

There comes a time when banging your head against the wall just hurts too much, and starts to feel a bit silly, to be honest. So, we are truly at that crossroads now. We need to choose a path even though the one we wanted isn't even on the map we've been issued.

So I have mentioned the options before: Continue treatment, pursue adoption, choose child free. The last is still not imaginable for me. C. can imagine it, says he would be OK being just us, just a couple but he supports and understands that I cannot let go of the motherhood dream I had for myself and the family dream I had for us. It may be able to accept child fee at some point in the future, but right now I till need to try to build a family. It's just that I need to try in a way that may actually work for us. We will do no more than two medicated IUI's. We will submit our application to the adoption agency that we have researched and chosen. We will pursue domestic adoption. As far as adoption options go, the Caucasian newborn programs are about the longest shot of all, but it is what we are going to try for. I have to have faith that a birth mother out there will find us to be a good fit to parent her baby. It may take a while. I will probably take longer than if we chose an international program (hard to say really) but C. feels very strongly about this path and I just want to get to motherhood, so I don't want to quibble about which road anymore. I would have skipped IVF altogether if C. and I could have agreed on an adoption path way back then. I was too scared of domestic but I've educated myself and opened my heart and I think this is something I can do. One thing infertility has taught me is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I could have imagined and I can do a hell of a lot of things I would have found impossible if you had asked me four years ago!

So here we go! Buckle up!

Oh, and since I ought to explain a number of things, including the title of this post: We met with the adoption agency staff yesterday. It was a real on the fly kind of thing. I tested yesterday morning and all hope was lost yet again for a pregnancy. C.'s shift got cancelled. I got to work and my boss sent me home when he found out my hubby was off (C. having a day off is pretty rare and my boss is also my dad.) So, I called C. to say I was coming home and how did he feel about going to meet the social worker if I could arrange a meeting? He said yes, I called, she said see you at three. So, off we went. We explained our scenario, asked our questions the last of which being how firm were they on the rule about stopping treatment before even submitting an application. And after a bit of back and forth which involved her figuring out just how done I really was and that I had no intention whatsoever to be in "the profile book" as an available couple while still trying it was just that we wanted to get the home study underway so that we could be "book ready" and hit the ground running as soon as I got my BFN from the last IUI no later than May. She said she would normally discourage this overlap but she gets the clear sense that we are ready and if we are willing to take the financial risk of losing our application monies, etc. then she's fine with that. I said well, after losing close to fifty thousand dollars on failed treatments what's another $1600 on a home study and an application if we should not need it in the utterly unlikely event I find myself pregnant in the next two attempts after something like 16 have failed (I've lost count.) So, that long winded scandalously long run on bit is to say I think I am finally ready to embrace the adoption option.

I am both scared and excited. On Sunday I had a huge cry about it all (again). It was rather cathartic and it made me look at what I really want here. We want to be parents. Biology is not a priority for us. We'd like a newborn so domestic was the way to go and we've made our peace with our respective birth mother fears. The state I live in and where the agency is based has a 30 day revocation. So once we jump all the hoops, once we are chosen, once a baby is placed with us, we will have to make it through an entire month of loving and bonding with a child we may not get to keep. But as devastating as a "disruption" would be (can you believe that's what they call it??) the risk is relatively low. And somewhere along the way here, C. and I are bound to fall on the right side of the statistics, right??

And lastly: If I am so ready, why do the two more cycles at all? Well I don't have a really great answer for that other than I just need to. I may change my mind along the way but I am quite sure it will be in favor of doing less cycles, not more.

At January 31, 2007 11:21 AM, soralis

Thanks for inviting me to your blog. Good luck with getting it all setup. And good luck moving forward!!

Sorry about the bfn.

Take care

At January 31, 2007 12:09 PM, Starfish

As I have said to you before, I have been exactly in your shoes. What struck me was when you said "My world does not, and will not, look the way I wanted or expected it to". I think that is the hardest part to swallow. But I can attest to the fact that evenutally you see that the world you end up with can be so much more wonderful than you ever dreamed. Hang in there Beagle, and do what you have to do. If you have to continue treatment, then do it. I am glad you are starting the adoption process though, that helped me mentally. In any case, you are moving forward and that's a good thing.

From The Problem With Hope

The Problem With Hope is a password-protected blog, therefore, in order to participate in the roundup celebration, I've posted this single entry from her blog here in order for other people to be able to read it. Interested in reading this blog in its entirety? Email the author and she will send you an invite.

The Problem With Hope
Friday, September 29, 2006

How Did We Get Here?

Ever have one of those moments where you're like...how on earth did THIS become my life? These problems, these joys, these people, this place? How did it happen? Today is one of those days for me, I guess.

I'm amazed and overwhelmed sometimes that THIS is our life.

The infertility, though I did always have it in the back of my mind growing up since Mom and Dad had trouble, is something I never expected to be like THIS. I mean, I though, sure, IUI's. Meds. MAYBE IVF as a last resort. I never thought we'd be here. I feel hurt and sad that I may never have biological kids, never feel baby kicking inside me. But at the same time, it's amazing to look at our journey and see what God has enabled us to do! All those treatments! All that worry, stress, anxiety that was handled as well as can be expected. The surgery. The miscarriage. But we were ABLE to do all that and we have come out relatively and blessedly unscathed....Strong marriage and strong faith, probably better than before. And an unwavering commitment to be a family of more than 2. And I really feel like I've connected to (and hopefully helped) a lot of great people through this. Infertility has been awful, the worst part of my life to be sure, but there's ways to overcome and I want that enough to make it happen. It's part of me, not who I am.

The adoption.....Pretty frequently I think "holy cow, WE are ADOPTING" out of the blue. I feel blessed to have this opportunity, but it's staggering in it's enormity! We'll be accepting someone else's child, and opening a relationship with that person. That, along with all the regular parenting stuff can be pretty amazingly heavy! But in a good way!

We have a big problem (previous posts if you don't know what I'm talking about) with my family right now. Sure. We have little problems here and there with lots of other things, as well. But overall? We have our health (not so much reproductively I guess). Our immediate families are wonderful and supportive. We have great friends whom we can always count on. A thriving business. A new home. Happy pets. Lots of vacations. We really are blessed. Thanks to God, because today it's easy for me to see that he's good to me and is working in my life, even if I can't see it always.

How did this become my life? How did I get so lucky?

4 comments:

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

Oh Jess. What a beautiful post and a great outlook. Hugs to you.

8:23 PM

theoneliner said...

i have had those exact thoughts. i walk around thinking poor me. but then i make myseelf realize that i had the dumb luck to be born into one of the wealthiest countries, i was lucky enough to end up with a great job, and at the end of the day i come home to a great man.

so, while we don't have a baby...we have a lot.

7:10 AM

theoneliner said...

great post by the way. : )

7:10 AM

My Reality said...

Beautiful post. You are remarkable!

"The Kid" by Dan Savage

So, here are my answers for this round of the Book Tour. Today’s subject is “The Kid” by Dan Savage. I’ve enjoyed his sex advice column which runs locally in the Washington City Paper for years. He’s a very readable writer and funny as hell. I think his experience with adoption is very unique to his situation and his relationship and so I’d be wary of drawing any conclusions about open adoption based on his account. I’d want to know how someone a little less cool experienced the process before I’d proceed with it.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Love, and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman (with author particpation!).

1) If you were participating in an open adoption, what are the top three questions you would ask the birth mother?

First, I’d want to know about who the biological father is, if she is still in contact with him and what if any involvement he might expect in the child’s life? From what I understood from the book, the bio-father is the giant question mark in the equation and you’re better off doing things by the book from the start. I wouldn’t want an adoption reversal because of lack of due diligence to inform the father of his rights.

Next, I’d want an honest assessment of her health, both current and pre-pregnancy; with frank questions about smoking, alcohol and drug use. If it were possible to sneak in some information about family health issues that would be a bonus.

Finally, I’d ask what sort of relationship she saw herself having with this child and us ten and twenty years from now? I’d want to make sure that both long-term and short-term expectations were matching what we wanted.

2) Dan mentions that while he wasn't put off by the concept of a home visit prior to adoption, but that for the straight couples it was another "insult on the pile of injuries and indignities of infertility" ( p.70). During your IF journey, what has been the experience that has left you feeling most exposed?

For me it was providing the “sample” for the semen analysis. I swear I thought everyone in the waiting room (I was on a Kaiser health plan then, sort of like McMedicine) could tell what I was there for. I also felt like the people who checked me in at the desk were shouting SEMEN ANALYSIS at the top of their lungs. Then, insult to injury someone knocked on the door to ask if I was finished – and I was still trying to get started.

3) On p. 164, Dan is terrified of bringing baby items into the house before the adoption is finalized. Will you (or did you) bring items into the house before a birth or an adoption?

We did bring stuff into the house, because to our thinking, if something had gone wrong, not having stuff around the house wasn’t going to be some sort of saving grace or a way of escaping feelings of guilt. Because, of course, it is a stupid superstition. Onesies and cribs don’t cause adoption reversals or stillbirths any more than they cause marriages to break up because of adoption reversals or stillbirths. That said, I felt a little afraid to actually act on the logical side of my brain. It was like when I got my ear pierced when I was fifteen – a mild rebellion against parental authority with no real consequences except for pumping up my own bravado. Look at me, I’m not hung up on silly superstitions. And yet I was very careful while hanging a mirror not to break it – but that shit is real.

Home Is Where the Heart Is Again (fini)

Instead of going back to work, she called into the office to say that she had fallen into a toilet downstairs and had gone home in embarrassment. No one wanted to challenge this story and hear more about her damp pantyhose so she had the afternoon to herself to wait for her trigger shot, update her blog, and dream about the baby that would come one day.

The End

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Return to the Office (fini)

When she got back to her office building, everyone was milling around outside.

"What's happening?" Sharon asked Theo, her boss's assistant. He looked up from his palm pilot where he was playing a Mensa game.

"A bomb threat. Or a gas leak. Or maybe an earthquake. I think you're supposed to go outside if there's an earthquake."

"I thought you need to go into a doorway. Wait, there aren't earthquakes here. Can I go inside?"

"Nope, we were all told to be out of the building."

"Then I'm just going home," Sharon said simply.

"Cool. Can I make up the reason for your absence when Angela asks?" Theo begged.

"Sure, but just be sure to make it good. Blood. Guts. That sort of thing," Sharon told him as she got back into her car.

She drove home singing along to the radio and avoiding Starbucks. Her husband wasn't due home for a while, so a long afternoon of updating her blog and reading from the Stirrup Queen's blogroll awaited her.

The End

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Okay (fini)

"Okay," Sharon said meekly, kicking herself at the same time. She really hated herself when she didn't speak up for herself. "I just need to run to the dry cleaners to pick up an outfit."

"Do it now," Angela warned. "I don't want you late for this extremely inconvenient and frustrating experience."

Sharon drove to the dry cleaners, muttering to herself the whole ride. The man gave her the business suit she had dropped off a few days earlier. Right as she was paying, the hanger belt contraption that held all the dry cleaned clothing fell to the floor, blocking the doorway. The man who owned the dry cleaners tried to clear away the skirts and winter coats, but it was useless. A piece of metal was wedged tightly into the door frame, making it impossible to get out.

"What about a back entrance?" Sharon asked.

"That got sealed in the last dry cleaning hanger belt accident. We're trapped."

"I can't be trapped," Sharon explained. "I need to be at a work dinner at 8 o'clock tonight. And if I can't be at that, I need to be at home by 10 o'clock so I can trigger. We'll be out by then...right?"

But when the man called the police, he was told that it would be several days before they could help them out of the store since they were all acting on a bomb threat tip at a local office building. Or a gas leak. One or the other.

The man shared his bagged lunch and the two of them sat on the pile of once-cleaned clothes, eating lemon juice spritzed apple slices and talking about love. And life.

The End

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I Have to Trigger (fini)

"I really can't tonight," Sharon said. "I have to be home for an injection."

"An injection," Angela said, visibly blanching. "That sounds..."

"It's nothing serious," Sharon added. "We're doing fertility treatments."

"Please, please, you can get out of the meeting. Just don't tell me about your dripping cervix or your uterine lining or anything disgusting like that. You can go home now if you want. Urggggg!"

Angela stumbled into the doorway in an effort to run out of the room. Sharon could hear her shuddering all the way down the hall.

Sharon paused for a moment, debating what to do. But the choice was simple. She turned off her computer and went home to dream about the baby she was going to make one day if she could just get a hold of the proper medications.

The End

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No (fini)

"I really can't tonight," Sharon said.

"Then you should pack up your desk because if you can't go to this meeting, you don't have a job anymore."

Sharon paused for a moment, debating what to do. But the choice was simple. She threw a few items into an empty box, jumped into her car, drove home to examine the want ads, and dreamed about the baby she was going to make one day.

The End

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The Pharmacy Trip (fini)

Sharon got to the pharmacy and stood in the long line until she was at the front.

"Sharon Barren. My RE just called in a prescription for ovidrel."

The pharmacist shook his head. "We haven't gotten any phone calls today."

"Are you freakin' kidding me?" Sharon fumed and stormed out of the pharmacy to go upstairs to the clinic.

As she feared, Frida, the terrible receptionist, was working the desk. Frida made her stand at the desk for a full fifteen minutes before she finally took a break from answering the phones and sipping her latte to give Sharon a raised eyebrow.

"Are you a new patient?"

"Frida, it's me. Sharon Barren. I was just here this morning."

"Uh huh," Frida yawned. "Dr. Knowall will see you in a few minutes. He's just running a little late."

"I don't have an appointment," Sharon pointed out. "I just need a new ovidrel prescription. My trigger shot didn't come in my meds box. I just called you a few minutes ago and you said you'd call it in downstairs. I went to the pharmacy and they said you never called."

"They're sort of liars downstairs." Frida sighed loudly. "Whatever. I'll get on it."

A few minutes later, she came out of the back offices with a slip of paper that she shoved across the counter.

Sharon left without thanking her and filled the prescription downstairs. There was still time to get to work, but Sharon said fuck it and went home to read trashy chicklit books and surf her favourite infertility blogs.

The End

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Return Phone Call (fini)

Sharon dialed again but received a strange message saying the number had been disconnected. The message sounded like it had been recorded by Frida, the receptionist she had spoken to moments earlier. She decided to just drive down to the clinic and sort everything out in person.

As she feared, Frida was working the desk. Frida made her stand at the desk for a full fifteen minutes before she finally took a break from answering the phones and sipping her latte to give Sharon a raised eyebrow.

"Are you a new patient?"

"Frida, it's me. Sharon Barren. I was just here this morning."

"Uh huh," Frida yawned. "Dr. Knowall will see you in a few minutes. He's just running a little late."

"I don't have an appointment," Sharon pointed out. "I just need a new ovidrel prescription. My trigger shot didn't come in my meds box. I just called you a few minutes ago and you hung up before I could tell you my name."

"Sorry, but we can't write prescriptions today. The computers are down."

"You just told me on the phone that you would call it into the pharmacy," Sharon said, staring at Frida's computer screen which was clearly functional and showing a gossip website with a picture of a half-dressed Brad Pitt at the top of the screen.

Frida sighed loudly. "I'll get on it."

A few minutes later, she came out of the back offices with a slip of paper that she shoved across the counter.

Sharon left without thanking her and filled the prescription downstairs. There was still time to get to her office, but Sharon said fuck it and went home to read trashy chicklit books and surf her favourite infertility blogs.

The End

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Fuck It Indeed Again (fini)

She started the engine and drove to her clinic. It was easier to show up in their lobby and beg for a new prescription than it was to call them on the phone.

Of course, Diane, the better receptionist, was out for the day. Instead Frida made her stand at the desk for a full fifteen minutes before she finally took a break from answering the phones and sipping her latte to give Sharon a raised eyebrow.

"Are you a new patient?"

"Frida, it's me. Sharon Barren. I was just here this morning."

"Uh huh," Frida yawned. "Dr. Knowall will see you in a few minutes. He's just running a little late."

"I don't have an appointment," Sharon pointed out. "I just need a new ovidrel prescription. My trigger shot didn't come in my meds box."

"Sorry, but we can't write prescriptions today. The computers are down."

"I just need you to phone it into the pharmacy," Sharon said, staring at Frida's computer screen which was clearly functional and showing a gossip website with a picture of a half-dressed Brad Pitt at the top of the screen.

Frida sighed loudly. "I'll get on it."

A few minutes later, she came out of the back offices with a slip of paper that she shoved across the counter.

Sharon left without thanking her and filled the prescription downstairs. There was still time to return to her office, but Sharon said fuck it and went home to read trashy chicklit books and surf her favourite infertility blogs.

The End

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Fuck It Indeed (fini)

Sharon got back out of her car and immediately ran into Angela, her boss.

"You weren't thinking of leaving, were you? Because I have a wonderful opportunity for you," Angela said. "The people from Brewster's Hardware Emporium are coming in this afternoon. I want you to woo them tonight."

"Woo them?" Sharon asked blankly.

"With a pitch. With ideas. We're all going out to dinner at eight."

Her trigger shot was set for ten o'clock. She'd never be back in time and she still hadn't sorted out the fact that she didn't have the shot in hand. She really didn't want to trigger while at dinner.

"We're going to this fantastic restaurant that has no bathrooms or discreet places," her boss continued. "We'll probably be there until midnight. And I won't take no for an answer!"

"I really can't tonight," Sharon said.

"Then you should just get back in the car and drive home because if you can't go to this meeting, you don't have a job anymore."

Sharon paused for a moment, debating what to do. But the choice was simple. She jumped into her car, drove home to examine the want ads, and dreamed about the baby she was going to make one day.

The End

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Home Is Where the Heart Is (fini)

At home, she began the long process of getting a live person on the phone at Successful Fertility Clinic. It took twelve minutes of waiting on hold while listening to xylophone music before she lucked out and got Diane, the better receptionist.

"Diane, my ovidrel shot is missing from my meds box. It wasn't sent. And I need one for tonight. Can you call it in to the pharmacy in the lobby and I'll come by to pick it up?"

"Sure, though we actually have a few free samples in the office. Do you want me to hold one at the desk and your husband can pick it up on his way home?"

"I love you, Diane," Sharon said.

She called her husband to tell him the new plan and then slipped under her blankets to read trashy chick lit until 10 o'clock that night when it was time for her trigger shot.

The End

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Errands (fini)

Sharon decided to stop off at the dry cleaners to pick up some of her husband's dress shirts and a pair of pants. Right as she was paying, the hanger belt contraption that held all the dry cleaned clothing fell to the floor, blocking the doorway. The man who owned the dry cleaners tried to clear away the skirts and winter coats, but it was useless. A piece of metal was wedged tightly into the door frame, making it impossible to get out.

"What about a back entrance?" Sharon asked.

"That got sealed in the last dry cleaning hanger belt accident. We're trapped."

"I can't be trapped," Sharon explained. "I need to get home by 10 o'clock tonight. We'll be out by then...right?"

But when the man called the police, he was told that it would be several days before they could help them out of the store since they were all acting on a bomb threat tip at a local office building. Or a gas leak. One or the other.

The man shared his bagged lunch and the two of them sat on the pile of once-cleaned clothes, eating lemon juice spritzed apple slices and talking about love. And life.

The End

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Convenient Deafness (level five)

Sharon ducked into her office just in time to hear Angela tell a coworker that she could have the Brewster Hardware Emporium account since Sharon didn't hear her.

She didn't bother turning on her computer or checking her voice mail. She began the long process of getting a live person on the phone at Successful Fertility Clinic. It took twelve minutes of waiting on hold while listening to xylophone music before she lucked out and got Diane, the better receptionist.

"Diane, my ovidrel shot is missing from my meds box. It wasn't sent. And I need one for tonight. Can you call it in to the pharmacy in the lobby and I'll come by to pick it up?"

"Sure, though we actually have a few free samples in the office. Do you want me to hold one at the desk for you?"

"I love you, Diane," Sharon said. She slipped back out of her office and into the stairwell. Now that they saw her arrive, she could leave for a few minutes without anyone really noticing.

She went to the clinic and picked up the ovidrel from Diane, who was holding it at the front desk as promised. Sharon suppressed the urge to kiss Diane and pocketed the prefilled syringe.

"Thank you, thank you thank you," she told her, walking backwards out the clinic doors.

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A New Assignment (level five)

Sharon turned around to face Angela, her boss.

"I have a wonderful opportunity for you," Angela said. "The people from Brewster's Hardware Emporium are coming in this afternoon. I want you to woo them tonight."

"Woo them?" Sharon asked blankly.

"With a pitch. With ideas. We're all going out to dinner at eight."

Her trigger shot was set for ten o'clock. She'd never be back in time and she still hadn't sorted out the fact that she didn't have the shot in hand. She really didn't want to trigger while at dinner.

"We're going to this fantastic restaurant that has no bathrooms or discreet places," her boss continued. "We'll probably be there until midnight. And I won't take no for an answer!"

• If Sharon explains about the trigger shot, click here.
• If Sharon says no, click here.
• If Sharon doesn't say anything and accepts the dinner meeting, click here.

Late to Work (level four)

Sharon fumbled around on her bed to find the cordless phone. She called Theo, her boss's assistant and told him she'd be late.

Which meant that she was never coming in but required a subsequent call an hour later to tell him in an exasperated tone that she'd see him tomorrow. Why did she use this method instead of just calling in sick to work with one phone call? She really didn't know.

She dialed the Successful Fertility Clinic and sat on hold for several minutes, listening to the dulcet tones of a xylophone playing the clinic's theme music from their commercial. Finally, she got the receptionist on the line.

"How can I help you? Wait, can you hold for a moment?"

"I've been..."

The line returned to the xylophone music. Sharon spent the next interlude drawing squares on a scrap of notebook paper by the phone.

"How can I help you?"

"I'm supposed to trigger tonight and I went into my meds box and I noticed that I'm missing the ovidrel shot."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Sharon wasn't even sure if she was still speaking to someone.

"I need a new prescription," Sharon explained into the silence. "Hello?"

"I'll have Dr. Knowall call that in to Successful Pharmacy downstairs. Thank you."

The line went dead before Sharon could tell the receptionist her name.

• If Sharon calls back, click here.
• If Sharon sighs and drives to the pharmacy assuming things will sort themselves out when she gets there, click here.
  

Fuck It (level four)

Where is that damn injection, Sharon thought to herself as she walked out to her car. She drove to work in silence.

When she got to her office building, everyone was milling around outside.

"What's happening?" Sharon asked Theo, her boss's assistant. He looked up from his palm pilot where he was playing a Mensa game.

"A bomb threat. Or a gas leak. Or maybe an earthquake. I think you're supposed to go outside if there's an earthquake."

"I thought you need to go into a doorway. Wait, there aren't earthquakes here. Can I go inside?"

"Nope, we were all told to be out of the building."

"But I..." What was she going to tell Theo? She needed to get on the phone so she could call every pharmacy in town and get another trigger shot before evening? Which meant getting in touch with her RE so she could get the new prescription? Which meant getting a hold of someone at Successful Fertility Clinic?

"Will you tell Angela that I had to go...do something?" Sharon tells him. He's already engrossed in his Mensa game, mumbling about the numbers he needs to plug into the puzzle.

Sharon got back in her car and sat there for a moment. If she missed her meeting, she was screwed. If she missed her trigger shot, she was screwed. It seemed like there was no way to win.

• If you want Sharon to stay at work, click here.
• If you want Sharon to drive to her clinic, click here.

Stairwell Hell (level four)

Sharon gritted her teeth and opened the stairwell door; she might as well face her boss now rather than later. Her boss smiled at her as she passed and shook her head.

"Didn't you hear?" she said, putting her hand on Sharon's arm.

"Hear what?"

"The office closed. Barnett sent everyone home."

"Sent everyone home? Why?" Sharon asked, shifting her briefcase to her other hand.

"Something about a gas leak. Or asbestos. Or toxic waste. Something like that. Anyway, you can't go up to your desk so we've shifted all deadlines back. You're free for the rest of the day."

"Will the problem be gone tomorrow?" Sharon asked.

"Sure," her boss said, waving her hand as if a gas leak were a mere annoyance. "Maybe it was a bomb threat. Whatever it was, you're free. Go home. Read your trashy chick lit books."

Sharon went back to her car and drove home, feeling her body relax for the first time.

• If you have Sharon stop to run some errands, click here.
• If you have Sharon go back in the house, click here.

Elevator Hell (level four)

Sharon jumped into the elevator. It was way too early and she was way too frazzled to deal with her boss. Before the doors could close, her pregnant co-worker, eight months along and still working waddled into the elevator.

"Hey, Sharon," she said, sighing while she rubbed her belly. "It sucks being pregnant."

"I can imagine," Sharon said curtly, trying to cut off the conversation before it could proceed.

"Do you have kids yet? Why don't you guys have any kids? You'd be such a great mum. I bet when you guys start trying, you'll get pregnant on the first try. You have really wide hips. Child bearing hips."

"Thank you," Sharon says because if she said anything else, she'd start to cry.

The elevator doors swung open and Sharon was almost to her desk when she heard her name being called behind her, "Sharon Barren, I need a word with you."

• If Sharon stops to talk, click here.
• If Sharon pretends not to hear and continues into her office, click here.

The Sounds of Silence (fini)

"So freakin' annoying," she muttered to herself, flipping off the cd player. She drove to work in silence, only vaguely aware of the sound the other cars were making as they swerved around her. She was a terrible driver when she was preoccupied.

And she had been preoccupied all cycle. She was so frustrated that no matter how much Follistim her RE pumped into her poor ovaries, she still couldn't get the abundance of follicles that seemed to come so quickly for other women. Not only was she infertile, but she didn't seem to be particularly good at being infertile.

What she really wanted was one day where she didn't have to think about blood work or trigger shots or wandings or how many days it was until her beta or how many days it was until she ovulated. She was just done. She didn't qualify for the shared risk program so she didn't even know how they were going to take the chance with IVF. She didn't even know how she was going to do IVF if she never produced many follicles.

Screw this, she thought and swung the car into a U-turn at the first chance. She retraced her route and went back into her house where she crawled into bed and read trashy chick lit books all day. She forgot about her trigger shot, couldn't subsequently do the IUI, and ended up feeling frustrated for several more weeks to come.

The End

• Want to leave me a comment about your adventure and then take Sharon Barren on a new adventure? Click here.
• Want to go read something else? Why? Didn't you like this post? Don't you think it's funny? Fine...go read something else. But you could still click here to return to the starting post and leave me a comment...

Radio Silence (level four)

"So freakin' annoying," she muttered to herself, flipping on a radio station. At that moment, the familiar eight note xylophone opening of a local commercial began.

"Are you childless?" a melodic woman's voice asked. "Desperate? Thinking about cutting your uterus out of your body because it doesn't work anyway? Then come to the caring hands of Successful Fertility Clinic and make our name, your name--by which we mean that you will become successful in fertility rather than sub-par, as you are now."

The commercial ended with a repetition of some xylophone notes and then continued into an advertisement for a child's play center where all the good mothers go. She flipped off the radio and continued the rest of the ride in silence, wondering whether or not she had her trigger shot at home. She would need to call the pharmacy when she got to the office.

When she got to work, she saw her boss through the staircase window.

• If she ducks into the elevator instead, click here.
• If she takes the stairs as normal, click here.

On the Road Again (level three)

Sharon grabbed her keys and purse off the table, thankful that she had skipped the trip to Starbucks. She anxiously rubbed her temples to stave off the headache that was starting to form. She had a nagging feeling that she didn't have the trigger shot at home. She would have to take care of it when she got to work.

When she got into the car, she discovered the only cd she had in the car was scratched and kept skipping. "So freakin' annoying," she muttered to herself, flipping on a radio station. At that moment, the familiar eight note xylophone opening of a local commercial began.

"Are you childless?" a melodic woman's voice asked. "Desperate? Thinking about cutting your uterus out of your body because it doesn't work anyway? Then come to the caring hands of Successful Fertility Clinic and make our name, your name--by which we mean that you will become successful in fertility rather than sub-par, as you are now."

The commercial ended with a repetition of some xylophone notes and then continued into an advertisement for a child's play center where all the good mothers go. She flipped off the radio and continued the rest of the ride in silence.

When she got to work, she saw her boss through the staircase window.

• If she ducks into the elevator instead, click here.
• If she takes the stairs as normal, click here.

Where's the Trigger (level three)

Sharon reached into her meds box and pulled out two alcohol swabs and placed them on the counter to remind herself to do the injection that night.

Sharon went to her collection of meds and sifted through the vials and pill jars, searching for the box that contained her usual Ovidrel injection. But the familiar blue and white box was missing. She stuck an arm deeper into the cardboard box where she kept all of her meds and her sharps container. It was really really missing.

She sat down on the toilet, reading over the list sent by the pharmacy. The trigger shot was listed as packaged and sent. Sharon racked her brain to remember whether she had seen it when she first opened the meds. She glanced at her watch--she was going to be late for work if she didn't leave immediately. She would have to deal with this during her lunch break. Instead of leaving, she started sifting through the box again.

• If she says "fuck it" and leaves for work, click here.
• If she gets stressed out and calls into work that she'll be in late, click here.

Baby Shower Hell (level three)

"That's great," Sharon says, hugging her back. "When is your due date?"

"Oh, I don't know mumbo jumbo like that!" her friend exclaimed. "Due date? What are you--a doctor? I figure whenever the baby comes, great. Except if it comes when I'm supposed to be on vacation. That would just suck. Whatever--I'd just shove it back in and say, "uh...heeeeeello, who's in charge here? I'm the boss and I still need to finish off this wine-tasting tour. Then you can come. Right?"

"Um...I don't think you're supposed to drink wine when you're..."

But her friend was ignoring her, waving her still damp pee stick in the air and screaming, "my husband has super sperm!"

"You know, I really have to get to work, but I'd love...," Sharon began.

"To throw me a baby shower! Thank you! Oh thank you so much. I am so excited. I want only the most expensive things. Like a plasma television so I can show the baby videos all day that will make her super smart. And a new cuisinart so I can make good foods for myself to eat so I have the energy to give her to my husband for a diaper change. And a new wine cabinet so I can store all of my wine."

Sharon stumbled out of the Starbucks, still drinkless and continued on her way to work, anxious rubbing her temples to stave off the headache that was starting to form. She had a nagging feeling that she didn't have the trigger shot at home. She would have to take care of it when she got to work.

When she got to work, she saw her boss through the staircase window.

• If she ducks into the elevator instead, click here.
• If she takes the stairs as normal, click here.

All Hail the Super Sperm (level three)

Sharon stared blankly into space and then proceeded to the counter to order her drink. Her friend continued to go on and on about how she hadn't even been trying and how her husband just has to look at her and she's pregnant. She doesn't even want a child when it comes down to it, but they make such great helpers for fetching things around the house that she would keep Petunia around.

Just as she was about to start into another round of serenading her husband's super sperm, she was accosted by a pack of angry infertile women who scalded her to death with flaming hot white chocolate mochas. Sharon stepped over the body and proceeded on her way to work since she now didn't have enough time to stop off at home.

Sharon had a nagging feeling that she didn't have the trigger shot at home. She would have to take care of it when she got to work. When she got into the car, she discovered the only cd she had in the car was scratched and kept skipping.

• If you want Sharon to flip on the radio, click here.
• If you want Sharon to drive in silence, click here.

Back at the House (level two)

Sharon stepped into her house and was greeted by complete silence. Her husband had already left for work, but he had left a note on the table for her: call me and let me know how the appointment went. She called him while clicking through an online newspaper on the Internet.

"It went well. I still have 3 follicles, my E2 looked good and I'm triggering tonight...Fuck."

"Fuck? I thought that's what we wanted," Darren said.

"No, I'm reading the newspaper while we talk--sorry--and I just saw that a murder took place at the Starbucks where I was going to stop. A woman was crowing all about her pregnancy and how she wasn't even trying and a pack of infertile women scalded her to death with steaming hot white chocolate mochas."

"That's awful," Darren muttered. Sharon heard the sound of computer keys clicking in the background.

"Glad I didn't stop. But I have to go now."

• If you swing by your box of meds to set up your trigger shot for tonight, click here.
• If you head off to work so you won't be reamed a new asshole by your boss, click here.

In Starbucks (level two)

As she stepped inside her local Starbucks, she was greeted by a screeching rendition of her name and felt two arms tightly close around her in an intense hug.

"I am so glad to bump into you! I'm pregnant!!! I just found out like two seconds ago. I peed on a stick in the Starbucks bathroom. I must be at least three months along. I realized this morning that I hadn't gotten my period in for-EH-ver so I ran down to the local CVS and bought a pregnancy test--so embarrassing--and just peed on it and it turned positive. So I am totally pregnant. I just hope it's a girl. I really don't want a boy--yuck. I want a little girl and I'm going to call her Petunia Rose Lily because I love, love, love flowers. Love them! I really want to hear what's up with YOU but I have to start looking for a nanny like...right now. Do you know any nannies?"

• If she feigns deafness, click here
• If she hugs her back and promises to throw the baby shower, click here.