The Annex

Navigating the Land of If

2009-07-02T20:31:00.000-07:00

Melissa spills more ink thanking me in the book than I truly deserve and this is the rare opportunity for me to publicly THANK HER for writing this book. I am a big believer in living a fully integrated life – what is important to our core values should be central to our work, should be central to our family and spiritual lives. In writing this book, Melissa has created tangible evidence of just that sort of integration – her deep compassion for those who suffer; her faith in knowledge and learning as being a path through hard experiences; her generosity in sharing everything she knows and learning more so she can share that too; her certain knowledge that families come in all different shapes and configurations and all are equally sacred; her ability to keep a sense of humor through it all; her deep ethical well and emotional honesty. This is a book written by a person I am lucky to call my wife, whom my children can be proud to call their mother. I am so proud of all the hard work she did. People, she worked so hard. And through it all never let the blog or her family slide. She deserves a victory lap.

With that dose of sincerity, here are my answers:

Q: Did you read the book from front to back, or did you turn immediately to a certain chapter? If so, which chapter? Are there any chapters that you purposely avoided?

I read this book the same way I read every book I pick up: I turned immediately to the last page to see whodunit? (Spoiler Alert!) Apparently this book ends with a photo of the author taken by me, and her bio -- most of which I already knew. While I have the greatest respect for the author’s work and all the fine writing that precedes this awkward dénouement, I must state from the outset that she could have done better with the ending. Perhaps a more highly qualified photographer? Even better, maybe she could have revealed on the last page that the Land of IF existed only in the mind of an autistic boy staring vacantly into a snow globe? Oh, that would have been rich!

Q: In the appendix, Melissa volunteers a supportive note to get us through our journeys, particularly those hard times like baby showers. Because there are just as many emotional pitfalls for our partners and spouses that might not be as overt to us, what note would you write to your partner to also support them through their part of this journey?

Just as Melissa wrote the note she wished she had with her during the hardest times of our sojourn in the Land of IF, what follows is the note I wish I had on-hand at those times.

Dude – This sucks. It sucks all day long and then when it’s done sucking it sucks some more. And it is okay to say that. Not to add having to talk about your feelings to the list of things that suck, but the simple admission that it sucks is something you owe yourself. Not just that it sucks for your partner, but it sucks for you. A manly thing to do is quote Winston Churchill, who said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” So get through the shittiness that is today and at the other end you’ll purge it all in a good run, or a great movie or a killer microbrew. And yeah, that won’t make the shitty disappear for good, but you’ll feel better for awhile. Be good to your partner. Be good to yourself. Keep going.

Q: I kept wishing, as I read the book, that certain people could have read certain parts while I was going through IF. To help THEM understand better what I was going through. Which part(s) did you want to show and to whom? Your RE? Your nosy neighbor? Your insensitive co-worker? Maybe even your spouse/partner?

Funny you should mention that, because the original idea was a book that infertile people could hand to their friends, relatives, whatnot and say, “Please read this.” But the book world being what it is, there’s no real category to sell that book in. It’s not self-help, it’s more like a “Help Me, Help You, Help Me.” So agents and publishers weren’t so stoked with that concept. They liked the idea of a book written for people going through infertility, easier to classify, so that’s what Melissa wrote. But it was always her hope that it would be a book you could hand to your mother, mother-in-law or best-friend-from-college-who-has-five-kids-and-can’t-let-her-husband-even-look-at-her-funny-or-she-gets-pregnant.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at Stirrup Queens. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Moose by Stephanie Klein.

Questions for Book Tour Fifteen: Harriet the Spy

2008-12-02T09:48:00.000-08:00

1. Would Harriet have been a blog writer or just a blog reader? Do you think she would have ever commented on other people’s blogs? If she did write her own blog, do you think she would have written about her own life or do you think she would have replicated her spy notebooks and only written about other people?

2. If you read Harriet the Spy as a child, what aspects of the book did you still remember? What did you totally forget?

3. Harriet's parents almost entirely delegate all parenting tasks to Ole Golly or Cook. Did you have any particular reaction to their uninvolved parenting style? Was your reaction influenced by your own infertility/journey toward parenthood?

4. Reading this book reminded me about my teenage years. Those muddled years of when you know "everything" but don't really know "everything". Those years when you "hate" everyone and everything and then "love" everyone and everything. When you really become introspective to the point of often not knowing what is "really" going on around you. Harriet chose to write a lot of those feelings and observations down in her journal. Did you write a journal when you were a teenager? Have you looked back at those years (journal or not) and wondered what was going on in your brain? (I know I do!)

5. I was also struck with how Harriet's parents (and other adults) treated her. This book is set in the 1960s, so some of the distance between her parents and Harriet is because of the social situations of the time. But, as Ole Golly leaves, Harriet's parents do make efforts to get to know Harriet. Does Harriet try to get to know them? Are their efforts to reach her successful and what could they do differently? Do you have a plan to help the teenager in your life relate to you?

6. Obviously, this book brings up many questions on privacy and journaling. At one point, Harriet journals all day at school instead of doing her work. Has anyone worked on their journal/blog at work? And been caught? When do you blog/journal? Do you do it when you should be doing something else?

7. In the beginning of the book, Harriet is explaining the game Town to Sport. She goes thru a list of typical town places from the 1960's. What places/professions do you think a savvy Harriet in 2008 would have in her town?

8. When Harriet questions Ole Golly about solitude she responds with quotes and cliches but doesn't really tell her anything. When was a time that someone responded to a situation or question in your life in a similar fashion but it impacted you? Have you ever responded in a similar fashion to someone else and felt that it impacted them? What was it and how did you know what you said mattered?

9. When Ole Golly leaves after her engagement, Harriet notes that things feel the same but she seems to have a little hole in her heart. When was the first time you remember feeling a similar loss and does it still remain with you today?

10. How much of Harriet's behavior in the latter half of the book do you think was a direct result of Ole Golly's leaving? Would she have gotten so out of control if Ole Golly was there for her to talk to about the lost notebook?

11. When you read it, do you read it as an adult reading a child's book or do you forget that you're grown-up and think of it in the part of your mind that is still 12?

12. How do you think Harriet would have upgraded for the new tech? Would she be blackberrying instead of the notebook?

13. This book was written in 1964, when gender roles & stereotypes were much more rigid than they are today. In Chapter 4, Harriet & Janie feel the pressure to conform, to go to dancing school and be steered away from "unfeminine pursuits" -- while later in the book, Marion, Rachel, Laura & Carrie imitate their mothers by playing bridge & drinking tea in the clubhouse. I was reminded of Carol Gilligan's work on how girls' "voices" change as they become adolescents. What do you think happened to Harriet & Janie as they became teenagers? Do you think young girls today still feel similar pressures to conform?

14. After her visit to Dr. Wagner, Harriet's mother takes away her new notebook immediately, and Harriet is described as feeling empty on the ride back home. Many people, especially bloggers, seem to use writing as an outlet. What would you do if someone took this outlet away from you during a time of difficulty? How would you cope if you had no notebook?

15. What would you have done in Harriet's position after her friends discovered her notebook?

16. For some reason, although I've read Harriet the Spy literally dozens of times over the years, this is the first time that I realized why I love it so much. It's because, to me, this is a story of the pain of growing up. The pain of being in between childhood, with the deep, intimate connectedness that entails, and adulthood, with the separation and independence and freedom and responsibility that come with it. Re-reading this book now reminds me that although I had thought as a child that someday I would be done the work of growing up, I don't feel like I am done, and I wonder if I ever will be. So the question is this: what is the experience of growing up like for you? And is it something that you think is ever complete?

17. Ole Golly tells Harriet, "Sometimes you have to lie. But to yourself you must always tell the truth." Are we always truthful with ourselves? Should we be? Is it ok to sometimes lie to others and why shouldn't we lie to ourselves? These two sentences have a tremendous impact on Harriet. How do you feel about them as an adult? If you can remember, how would you have felt hearing them as a child Harriet's age?

18. Why do you think the author painted the home lives of Harriet and Sport the way that she did?

19. Do you think Harriet kept her notebook for the same reasons we blog?

Questions for Book Tour Fourteen: Eat, Pray, Love

2008-12-02T09:45:00.000-08:00

Group 1

1. Gilbert had many beautiful sentiments/ideas. What was your favorite and why?

2. At the start of the book, the author states that she will not go into the details of her divorce. Could you accept this and move on to the rest of the book, or did this lack of explanation influence your opinion of the entire book?

3. When my IRL (in real life) book club discussed this we had widely differing opinions on the tone of the book. Some thought it was "all about me, poor, poor me!" and "whiny" while others saw Gilbert's self-focus in as a fascinating journey to becoming a better person. What would you say?

4. In the end, is Gilbert a better person? Why/why not?

5. Elizabeth Gilbert's spiritual crisis was brought to a head by a failing marriage and the dawning realization that her desires were not nearly on the same track as some seemingly powerful, external expectations about how her life should unfold. What defining 'disasters' have triggered you to course-correct your life? Did the crisis(es) sneak up on you or did you see it (them) coming, but deny it for a while? What expectations did it force you to challenge -- either your own or external ones? How hard was that for you personally (as in, are you the kind of temperament that is naturally rebellious? Or not so much? Do you have a hard time letting go of control? Or are you at ease with improv on a grand, spiritual level?)

6. "... in my own life, I can see exactly where my episodes of unhappiness have brought suffering or distress or (at very least, inconvenience) to those around me. The search for contentment is, therefore, not merely a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a generous gift to the world. Clearing out all of your misery gets you out of the way. You cease being an obstacle, not only to yourself but to anyone else. Only then are you free to serve and enjoy other people." Have you reached a place ... or can you at least envision a peaceful time ... where/when you feel that the 'disaster', the 'crisis' is ultimately redefined as a more or less positive, creative force in your life? How have your challenges made you smarter?

7. Do you believe in reincarnation and that a soul chooses its lessons before each lifetime? Or do you believe it's all just random challenge? Do you believe you are doing a good job dealing with the cards you've been dealt? What do you think your challenges are trying to teach you about the big picture that other people might miss ...that you might have missed if your life didn't take these turns?

8. In Elizabeth's journey, she meets several characters ... Richard (who calls her 'Groceries') and Ketut and Italy itself ... who see her 'from outside of the frame,' who offer her valuable, catalytic perspective and they help her to penetrate her misery. Who are the characters in your own life that have performed/perform this role for you? What have they helped you to understand? ... Sometimes perspective can come from a book, rather than a person IRL ... so if it was a book that gave you this gift, which one(s)?

9. In chapter 13, the author talks about what type of traveler she is and other traveling personalities. What type of traveler are you? Does it vary based on the trip or do you approach every trip the same way?

10. On pages 94-95, Elizabeth discusses the continuity of and our positioning in our family as it relates to fertility/childbearing and the idea of finding purpose and the feeling of "being relevant" if we choose to not have children or are not able to. Does your infertility struggle affect your perception of your position in your family hierarchy? Why or why not? Has this affected your involvement with family events? If so, how?

11. Have you had a breakdown like Elizabeth Gilbert's scene on the bathroom floor (near the beginning of the book)? How did you come out of your crisis? Did you adjust yourself to the situation, did you change your situation, or did you find a third alternative?

12. Which of the three settings (along with associated activities -- eating, praying or loving) resonated most for you? Why?

13. There are many, many angles to take on this book and the questions that may lead from it, the more obvious being of the spiritual nature. But one bit that caught my attention was in chapter 50 when Liz is told by her friend, the counselor, that “There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And who’s in charge?” I’ve thought about this a great deal, and thought about it not so much on a global level but in how it pertains to my relationships. I can see similarities in many ways – can you?

14. Elizabeth Gilbert writes that "when you're lost in the woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize you are lost. For the longest time you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path...then night falls again and again and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore." Have you had a similar experience and if so, when did you come to realize you were lost and how did you find your way back?

15. The author writes that hard as it was she is "choosing happiness over suffering" and "making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises" but still laments the loss of her lover...
Have you ever found living with suffering to be more familiar, more comfortable than making a change even if you knew (rationally) that change would be better in the long run. Has inertia prevented you from making a difficult decision or instituting change?

16. In one passage, Gilbert describes the typical life experience: "first you are a child, then you are a teenager, then you are a young married person, then you are a parent, then you are retired, they you are a grandparent--at every stage you know who you are, you know what your duty is and you know where to sit at the reunion...watching over your progeny with satisfaction. Who are you? No problem--you're the person who created all this...If I have done nothing else in this life, then at least I have raised my children well." If you're an infertile person, possibly or definitively unable to have children, how did this passage make you feel? What emotions or conflicts did it evoke?

17. Gilbert talks about finding herself again and feeling a glimmer of happiness when she started studying Italian, "a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt--this is not selfishness, but obligation."
After living through a dark time, what was it that brought you a glimmer of happiness? How hard was it to hang onto?

18. In the Ashram, Richard points out to Elizabeth that "nothing pisses off a control freak more than life not goin' her way." He counsels her to "let go" or she'll "make herself sick" and "toss and turn forever, beatin' on yourself for being such a fiasco in life." Are you a control freak and, if so, how do you manage when life doesn't go your way?

19. In a follow up discussion, Richard suggests that "if you want to control your life so bad, work on the mind because if you can't learn to master your thinking, you're in deep trouble forever." Gilbert notes that it's about "admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they came from and why they arrived and then--with great forgiveness and fortitude--dismissing them." She goes on to point out that it takes practice and constant vigilance to do so..."it's a sacrifice to let them go...it's a loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes." Did these passages resonate for you in any way? If so, how?

Group 2

1. “Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur?" -Eat, Pray, Love (p. 177). I've found it easy to just get caught up in praying/hoping for a baby, a baby, a baby. But I can sometimes lose myself in this, and have had to learn to approach my prayers with a broader goal. How do you approach personal transformation in terms of your infertility journey, specifically in terms of your spirituality or emotional/psychological growth?

2. During her sojourn at the Ashram, Gilbert speaks of the fight with herself to find her meditative path. Personally, I have lost touch with the spiritual side of myself, so this kind of intrigues me. I wanted to know (if you are willing to share): How important is spirituality in your journey through if?

3. While I don’t believe infertility can be cured by positive thinking, do you think the impact it has on out life could be minimized if we learned to control our thoughts like she talks about in chapter 58?

4. What is the word that defines your city? workplace? home? yourself? Why?

5. Which of the three sections of the book -- Eat (Italy), Pray (India) or Love (Indonesia) -- could you most relate to & why?

6. As Elizabeth Gilbert is writing her letter to G-d about divorce, she begins saying names of individuals who 'signed it'. She says, "I became filled with a grand sense of protection surrounded by the collective goodwill of so many mighty souls." As you blog about IF, parenting, life, and love; in what ways do you feel protected? How in your journey has 'the collective goodwill of so many mighty souls' guided you? Who are those mighty souls?

7. On page 92 of the book, the author says "Not all the reasons to have children are the same, and not all of them are necessarily unselfish. Not all the reason not to have children are the same either, though. Nor all those reason necessarily selfish." In the IF community we are bound by the same desire - to have a child, our child, and endure much physical, psychological, emotional, and oftentimes financial, duress to achieve that. What are/were your reasons? Do you think they were selfish, unselfish or a combination of both?

8. The author, because of personal traumas, decides to go on a spiritual/emotional journey. Have you ever gone through such a journey because of a personal trauma? And what did you learn about yourself?

9. The author learns Italian for the pure love of it (no real practical reason). Have you wanted to learn something just for the pure sake of the knowledge? Did you pursue it and how did it make you feel once you had done it?

10. In chapter 25, on page 75, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about how “the Augusteum in Rome warns (us) not to get attached to any obsolete ideas of who (we are), what (we) represent, whom (we) belong to or what function (we) may once have intended to serve.” Through our struggles with infertility and/or loss many of us have had to revisit our ideas about what our life would be like and who we thought we were supposed to be. How have your ideas about your identity and purpose in life changed since your began your journey to have a child(ren)? Have you been able to make peace with your new found identity and/or purpose if it doesn’t embody the dream you originally had for yourself at this point in your life as an adult and/or parent?

11. In Chapter 60, the plumber/poet from New Zealand gives Liz some Instructions for Freedom. #7: "Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering. Then, let go." To what extent has any suffering you've experienced in response to your own struggles (such as infertility, loss, illness) been inevitable? Natural but unhelpful? Useless? Does the suffering serve any purpose for you? Is that purpose enough to justify ongoing suffering?

12. One of the criticisms frequently leveled at this book is that it is "self-absorbed" and that its author is "selfish." Interestingly, these same labels have also been applied to infertiles, particularly those of us who blog about our infertility. Do you think this criticism is warranted in either case (i.e., by the book/author and by infertiles/infertility bloggers)? Do you think being an infertile and a blogger influenced your reaction to the book? In what ways?

Mr. Linky Testing

2008-10-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

This is what a post will look like using Mr. Linky

Questions for Book Tour Thirteen: The Empty Picture Frame

2008-07-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

Questions:

Depending on where you are on your IF journey, how did this book affect you? For example, if you have a child/ren after IF was it easier or harder to read? If you are in the middle of your IF struggle did the book help or hinder? Give me your thoughts on how you were affected reading the book no matter where your IF journey has taken you so far.

On p. 141, Jenna describes hiding out in the bathroom during her nephew's third birthday party but then realizes, "I couldn't even come close to having fun. I hate myself for that... I don't want to turn every moment into a moment about me and my sadness. It is never my intention, but it is always my impact." She describes how she doesn't like the person looking back at her in the mirror. Have you had a similar "mirror moment"? If so, describe it. Did this realization result in a lasting change in your outlook or relationships with others? How much of the responsibility for "impact" lies on the infertile person's shoulders?

At several points in the book, Jenna describes how she felt that motherhood was a "calling" for her -- the conviction that she was "called" to be a mother and that she would achieve that goal someday, somehow. Do you feel the same sense of "calling" in your pursuit of parenthood?

What one line from The Empty Picture Frame did you identify with and why?

On page 134, the author talks about the failures bringing repeated pain to their families. In what ways did your treatment affect your extended family?

On page 145, the author says, "Infertility can definitely be the process of losing oneself, but it can also be the process of finding oneself." In what ways have you lost yourself, and in what ways have you found yourself?

On page 147, the author talks about being more aware of the pain of others. How do you feel your infertility has affected your relationship with others?

Toward the end of the book, the author talks about things people have said - in what ways have you dealt with the inevitable statements that people make to those trying to conceive?

The last chapter is a guide to the fertiles reading the book on how to respond and not respond to a situation. Some of the reactions and commentary has happened to many people. What was the best reaction you got to your story and what was the worst?

Did your clinic have a Baby Day like Jenna described? Even if not, did you ever have a moment like that in the clinic, with newborn babies being brought in, or a woman cycling who brought her child with her? How did you deal with it?

Did you struggle with your friendships during your infertility journey? Did you lose friends you thought were good ones, or gain close friends in unexpected places?

Jenna discusses how difficult it became for her to go to family events which centered on children while she remained childless. Have you had this experience too? How have you managed to cope with family gatherings?

Questions for Book Tour Twelve: Water for Elephants

2008-07-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

Questions:

I have heard that the book has subtle hints and parallels to the Bible, specifically to Genesis and the story of Joseph. I must have missed them all! Could someone speak to what those parallels are? What parts of the story reflect the biblical Joseph and his story, or any biblical story?

Originally forced to share quarters, Kinko (Walter) seems to have an intense dislike for Jacob. One day, Jacob helps Kinko's dog Queenie and Kinko becomes his friend because of this small act of kindness. Has someone performed a simple act of kindness that changed your feelings toward them? How did this small act affect you? Can just a small and simple thing have a profound effect?

What does the title mean to you? Why do you think Sara Gruen chose it as the title?

The author said in interviews that the Biblical story of Jacob was the backbone for this book. Besides the name, what parallels do you see between the two stories?

What is your favorite circus related memory?

On page 109, old Jacob complains about how his family keeps secrets from him: "And those are just the things I know about. There are a host of others they don't mention because they don't want to upset me. I've caught wind of several, but when I ask questions, they clam right up. Mustn't upset Grandpa, you know... Why? That's what I want to know. I hate this bizarre policy of protective exclusion, because it effectively writes me off the page. If I don't know about what's going on in their lives, how am I supposed to insert myself in the conversation?... I've decided it's not about me at all. It's a protective mechanism for them, a way of buffering themselves against my future death..." Reading this, I could see myself in both Jacob & in his family members, both in respect to our infertility situation and other matters. Whose viewpoint do you relate to most in this passage and why?

(From the discussion questions at the end of the book) Looking at himself in the mirror, the old Jacob tries "to see beyond the sagging flesh." But he claims, "It's no good....I can't find myself anymore. When did I stop being me?" How would you answer that question for Jacob or for yourself?

Something that struck me about this book in particular was the rich, descriptive way the author handled Jacob as an elderly man. His frustration was so apparent, his physical manifestation so perfectly described, that of all of the elements of this book Jacob the Elderly is what stays with me. You had the sense that Jacob didn't foresee his latter years being the way they were, and his almost "ride off into the sunset" ending perhaps what he had envisaged for his end. Do you think about what's at the end of the road someday? When you think about it, what do you see for yourself?

Questions for Book Tour Eleven: Mistress's Daughter

2008-07-06T12:33:00.001-07:00

Group A:

How did having a daughter change her thoughts on her interactions with her biological mother?
A feeling of the "subtlety of biology," a lovely aphorism, is not something that Homes necessarily welcomes. I sometimes feel that biology raps me over the head when I look at biologically-related family members. How has infertility affected our feelings about the "subtlety of biology"?
Notwithstanding what happens in the book, most adoptions from the 1950s' and 60s' are closed, with birth records sealed except upon a courts' finding "good cause" to open them. In light of Homes's experiences, does this seem to be the appropriate method for handling adoption records?
The author talks about searching for information on her ancestors and realized that many of the people searching were not adopted. She realized from that the question of "who am I" is not unique to adoptees. At what point in your life, have you felt the same way?
When the author is first getting to know her birth parents, she finds a number of characteristics about her father appealing. Despite posing tough questions about his behavior prior to her birth and at the time of their reunion, she seems to give him a pass on many of these questions. At times she seems to side with him against her birth mother, for example with the use of the Dragon Lady designation. Years later she revisits many of these questions when a friend suggests that her birth father's behavior towards her is not new, but is, in fact, very much in character. A.M. Homes then compiles those questions and others into a searing mock deposition of her father. How did you react to the author's changing perceptions? Did you simply observe, or were you compelled to "argue" with her at some point?
AM Homes seemed to have a lot of angst that she attributed to growing up as an adopted child. Is such angst inherently a part of being adopted, or rather, is having angst about ones childhood an inherent part of being a child, and adopted children simply pin their angst to being adopted while children raised by their biological parents pin their angst to whatever other issue they perceive as the "problem" of their childhood?
In the book, A.M. Homes writes about being adopted into a family that had recently lost a nine year old son. She says "I always felt that my role in the family was to heal things, to make everything all right - to replace a dead boy." Grieving mothers of this generation and others, were often told to "forget about their lost child, have another one right away, move on" What, if any, of this is helpful advice and why/why not? Is this attitude something that might give a subsequent child the burden of feeling that they would not have been wanted had their sibling lived - particularly in the case of adoption, where the child was specifically chosen and might not have been otherwise?
The story about Ellen's boxes and the fact that the author was unable to go through them for several years struck a cord with me as I have my own boxes that are hiding in the house waiting for unpacking. Have you experienced something similar with a project, book, or other item that plagued you with emotions that prevented you from tackling it? What was the situation? How did it resolve-- did you become zealous about something you discovered during the resolution (like the author's quest for her genealogy) or did it just all fade away?

Group B:

Why do you think the author's biological father went through the DNA testing if he was still going to go along pretending she didn't exist? How did you react to that emotionally as the reader?
There are several instances in the early chapters where AM is struck by references to her arrival in her adopted family as a "gift" or a "present" one that's wrapped in pink ribbon at that. As an adoptee, I too have felt somewhat commodified in my adopted parents' retelling of my arrival into the family. We waited and waited and then you were handed to us... And this is something I worry about when I think about sharing origin stories with our (hopefully, someday, maybe) child. Will they feel like they were a commodity? More so than other children? What are your thoughts on this?
Genealogy -- the quest to learn more about her birth family's history -- forms a large part of the latter half of the book. On page 152, the author notes, "I remind myself that the quest to answer the question Who am I? is not unique to the adoptee." How much do you know about your own family history? Is it something that interests you? How has it influenced your decisions related to infertility treatment (if at all)?
On page 150, the author says, "The desire to know oneself and one's history is not always equal to the pain the new information causes." Reading about her sometimes rocky relationship with her birth parents, I scribbled on a sticky note, "Be careful what you wish for." Whatever your views or background regarding adoption, how do you feel about disclosure in cases of adoptions that took place some years ago, when secrecy was the norm? How much openness would you personally be comfortable with in an adoption situation today?
Reading the book encouraged me to think of my own family "secrets." For example, most members of my extended family want to hush up any discussion of IF, as though it's a contagious disease. Do you think that secrets strengthen a family or tear it apart and, how does your family process secrets?
Our community often speaks of the injustice of the homestudy process. From our parent-in-waiting eyes, is seems incredibly unfair that some can become parents at the drop of a trou, while infertiles to have to go through the judgments by a third party of their innermost selves to prove themselves worthy. Homes' book, however, shows not the parent perspective but the adopted child's. She talks about the effects of coming into her parents' home just months after their son died, about the burden she felt to heal her family. "I grew up doused in grief." She wonders (a few times) why an agency would give her parents an infant so soon after a child had died. Does reading from the adoptee perspective change your opinion on the homestudy process? Who is responsible for making sure hopeful parents are ready to parent a child borne to others? To what degree should hopeful parents be cleared of their grief, and who should determine this? How should it be determined? Should people stuck in grief NOT pass a homestudy? How should the desires of the hopeful parents be balanced with the rights and needs of the child?
AM Homes has a way of writing so distinctive, so enigmatic, that I folded myself into a chair and read the entire book in one sitting. She couldn't not know. Neither could I. Her stream of consciousness style writing had me hooked, and I read each page and kept thinking the same thing: What would it mean to me? What would I do? I am not adopted but I have often battled with that great question: Nature versus nurture. As she says on page 7 of the version I have, "I am dealing with the divide between sociology and biology: the chemical necklace of DNA that wraps around the neck sometimes like a beautiful ornament – our birthright, our history – and other times like a choke chain." How do you feel about your own birthright and DNA – is it a history or a choke chain?

Questions for Book Tour Ten: Embryo Culture

2008-07-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

Group A:

The author describes her journey through infertility both in terms of a faith journey and a process of scientific discovery. How has infertility impacted your faith journey and your views of science/technology?

From early in the book, it is clear that the author ends up with a take-home baby. How do you think this affects her perspective on infertility and how did affect your perception of the book?

The author talks about whether there should be an age limit on who should be able to go through IVF. Should there be an age limit?

The author also talks about how many embryos should be transferred at any given cycle. Should there be a limit?

The author mentions that going through infertility and IVF made her think differently with abortion? Has this changed anyone's position on abortion or did IVF change the way you thought about it?

Beth Kohl discusses her fears about how IVF may lead to increased health problems for her children, and she thinks about this in the context of her daughter's surgeries for cysts on her bladder. Do you ever worry that IVF or other ART could compromise the health of your children created through the process? How has that affected your decision to pursue treatment?

At one point, Beth fixates on a typo on a RE clinic's website and decides, "one picayune omission but enough to confirm I'll have to seek my progeny elsewhere. When dealing with things microscopic - egg nuclei and isolated sperm - there can be no margin for error." Has there ever been something "picayune" that has swayed your decision or direction on your path to parenthood? What was it that made that something seem significant?

Beth likens Dr. Frankfurth's office to one that "should have belonged to a family doctor in Anchorage, circa 1950, and not to a late twentieth century endocrinologist." How much do appearances matter? What were your first impressions of your RE's office? Did/does that color your interactions with the RE himself or herself?

Throughout the book, Beth references different ways of how religion plays into her thoughts and some people's beliefs on infertility. I, for one, did not think of religion and God too much as far as my decisions of how far to take ART but I know people understandable do. However, as I do believe in God though not very religious, I often thought my infertility was a punishment handed to me by the higher powers. Even though the issue is MFIF, I felt as though I was the one being punished because of some things I had done in my earlier years. Beth talks of the possibly of this punishment in the last paragraph on page 49: "Or is He a puritanical smiter, my infertility a pox upon me . . ." My question is: have you thought in terms of your infertility as a punishment, some divine destiny that you should maybe not try to change, or not? And why or why not? And how did/does it affect your decisions? As I would probably not give specifics, I am not meaning for you to, but I felt much comfort knowing I was not the only one who questioned if it was a punishment and am curious as to how other people have related religion and punishment to their IF journey.

Beth makes certain that she tracks how she and her husband respond to infertility in different ways - through diagnosis, debates about treatment, and how infertility is perceived in the "normal" world. Do you find such differences between yourself and your significant other(s)? Was it difficult to determine upon a course of treatment due to those differences?

Group B:

The author researched different religious views on ART while she was in the decision process. How did you make your decision to pursue ART, adoption, childfree living etc? Did your religious views play a big part in that decision?

Did religion shape the decisions you made about treatment? And in turn, did your infertility change the way you looked at your religion?

If you have children via ART, did you every wonder some of the same things that Beth wondered? Would they be "different"? Would others who found out they were ART babies treat them differently?

In Chapter 5 ("Professionals"), Beth writes about her clinic experiences. I got a chuckle out of her observation that "my early-morning posse and I seemed to be codelinquents doing time in juvie hall," as well as her description of George, the (male!) u/s tech. How was/is your clinic experience similar to or different than Beth's? Did you meet/Have you met any particularly memorable people (either fellow patients or clinic staff)?

I had a different experience from the author concerning the type of clinic she went to. She went to a big clinic where she was treated as a number, whereas I went to a smaller clinic where there was a more personal touch. What was your experience? If you went to a big clinic, was it by choice? Did you feel like you still were treated as an individual? Did you have to deal with a Carol-like person? If you went to a smaller clinic, did you feel it was adequately staffed, etc. for your needs? Did you research various facilities (or did you do like me--go with the recommendation of my personal doctor)?

I found the author's concern over the spiritual and religious aspects of ART interesting, but could not relate personally to her concerns. For me, there was never a question morally or ethically that ART (or adoption) were just other ways to create a family. However, I can understand that this may have been more of a harder choice for some. How much did your religion play into your attempts at ART? Did you consult your church/temple/religious leader(s) concerning their policies? Did you go against these policies, and if so, how did you justify this?

Many bits of the book hit hard for me, but none more so than what may have been intended as just something that happened in passing. On page 95 of the version I have (second page of Chapter 6- Aspiration) – they're on their way to the clinic for egg retrieval. Gary and Beth are getting into an argument, courtesy of early morning, hormones, fears, a whole blend of it all. Gary calls Beth "a bitch". Beth then says: "He clenches the steering wheel, steeling himself for the fight he assumes will follow calling me this second-most-prohibited of names. I remain silent, reassessing whether I really want to have kids with this name-calling douchebag." Did you/have you/can you foresee getting into such a minor situation with your partner and immediately jumping to the same conclusions as Beth, that maybe where you are isn't where you should be?

On page 254—255, Beth writes about…well…us. She writes about bloggers and the way we speak about infertility, embryos, et al. How did you take the description of our community? How did you feel about the way she put the word mother or mommy in quotes?

Questions for Book Tour Nine: The Jane Austen Book Club

2008-07-06T12:27:00.000-07:00

Questions:

1. Sexual roles, identity and orientation seem to be one of the themes of this book. Grigg is often compared and contrasted with his sisters and Allegra's sexual orientation, while not fully explored, is mentioned. What are other examples of sexual roles/identity presented in the book? Did you find yourself identifying with the role(s) of any of the women/men? BONUS: Were these roles similar or different to roles/identities presented in Jane Austin books—give an example.

2. Did you find the allusions to the various Austin books distracting or helpful in understanding the characters in the book? Were there enough similarities to Austin's characters for you to distinguish who was who (i.e. Jocelyn = Emma)?

3. On page 5 of my edition, at the end of the Prologue, the narrator says: "The six of us -- Jocelyn, Bernadette, Sylvia, Allegra, Prudie, and Grigg -- made up the full roster of the Central Valley/River City all-Jane-Austen-all-the-time book club." Each of the six is featured in the book, and voices intimate thoughts & memories, yet throughout, the narrator maintains the voice of "we." Which of the characters is the narrator telling the story/writing the book? And if you don't know or have an opinion, which character would be the most likely narrator & why?

4. Happiness seemed to be a reoccurring topic throughout the book. Sylvia and Bernadette seemed to be polar opposites in how they reacted to things in life and how they viewed happiness. Do you identify with one of these ladies over the other? Explain. Did another character speak to you instead? Who and why?

5. Which character in the Jane Austen Book Club did you most relate to? And what is your favorite Jane Austen novel and why?

6. Jocelyn and Sylvia are closer than most sisters. Their relationship has withstood many tests. Do you have a particular friend who has stood by you through thick and thin in ways that stand out from most friendships, and if so what brought you together and what keeps the relationship so special?

7. Sylvia described her MIL as affectless, polite but distant until she lost her son when she watch her "crumple like paper." Are there those in your life who have been affectless or polite but distant and then surprised you with their emotional depth?

8. Allegra is described as "liking being an aunt. That it offered all the kid time she needed. Probably. All she wanted mostly." If you don't have your own children, but are an aunt how important is that role to you and, what special rewards does it offer?

9. The author writes in an off-handed way something I imagine would be highly insulting to gay people ..."there would certainly be something challenging in a genetic code that made you gay but left your reproductive urge fully functional." I know gay people who have a strong urge to parent and have gone on to do so with more care than many self-absorbed heterosexuals.

10. Corinne stole Allegra's stories and passed them off as her own. Yet despite this deep betrayal of trust Allegra went back to her. Why do you think that is? Has anyone ever betrayed your trust and how did you handle it?

11. In one part of the book, Jocelyn and Sylvia were discussing happiness. One of them said that "Happiness in marriage is mostly luck..."

12. What are your thoughts on happiness? Do you think that our happiness in life is mostly luck? Do we have some control over how happy we are?

13. Which character in the book could you most relate to, and why? Which one could you least relate to, and why?

14. Bernadette asks that the club be made up of women only: "The dynamic changes with men. They pontificate rather than communicate. They talk more than their share." What differences did having a man bring to the group? If you have close male friends, how do they differ in relating to your infertility/everyday struggles?

15. When Corinne stole Allegra's stories, she both lied by omission as well as stole pieces of Allegra. Do you believe Allegra was more upset about the lie or the fact that someone stole her stories?

Questions for Book Tour Eight: The Handmaid's Tale

2008-07-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

Group A

1. How close do you think this dystopia is to a possible future reality? The author has written ''In Canada, 'they said, 'Could it happen here?' In England, they said, 'Jolly good yarn.' In the United States, they said, 'How long have we got?' '' British readers almost saw it as a history novel, Canadians saw it as a warning and Americans saw it as an accurate prediction of the future. What's your take?

2. People very often cope with death or uncomfortable situations by resorting to euphemisms. In The Handmaid's Tale, Atwood quite deliberately chooses instead to refer to infants with disabilities, or infants that have died, through the use of a dysphemism (an unpleasant or derogatory word or expression substituted for a pleasant or inoffensive one) - "shredder." How did this term affect you? Did you even take note of it? Why might Atwood have chosen such a word? How does it reflect or not reflect the contemporary discourse around pregnancy loss, still birth, and infant death as you may have experienced it?

3. Aunt Lydia describes the handmaids as "a transitionalgeneration," that has the especially difficult job of normalizing the new fertility practices(chapter 20.) Do you think that infertile women today can be called a transitional generation? If so, in what ways were things different before, and how do you think things might be different after?

4. On p. 73, Atwood writes, "Each month I watch for blood, fearfully, for when it comes it means failure. I have failed once again to fulfill the expectations of others, which have become my own." Do you believe the narrator wants a child because she knows not having a child will literally be her death, or do you believe the narrator mourns her lack of fertility because she misses her daughter, having a child, being a mother? Becoming pregnant is the only way to get that back--even just for 9 months.

5. Aunt Lydia promises the girls that "Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will be come ordinary." Has infertility ever become ordinary or commonplace to you? Do the shots and procedures and blood draws feel more familiar than life before this time? Can a person truly get accustomed to anything?

6. In chapter 6 (page 33 in my book), Atwood writes a train of thought that runs through the narrator's mind: "I look at the one red smile. The red of the smile is the same as the red of the tulips in Serena Joy's garden, towards the base of the flowers where they are beginning to heal. The red is the same but there is no connection. The tulips are not tulips of blood, the red smiles are not flowers, neither thing makes a comment on the other." The narrator does this to exercise her mind, maintain the distinctions between things and states "I need to be very clear, in my own mind." In times of crises, it is easy to have things melt together--to see connections where you may not have noticed them if you were not paying close attention to every detail. Do you think people in a crisis see more slights, more rudeness, more insensitivity than is actually there (is a statement merely a statement without a commentary on the other person) or do you think these slights, rudeness, and insensitivity exists, but we are too caught up in the good times to care or notice?

7. One major theme through this book is the role that religion plays in the new society’s “quest for babies” (arguably, it’s a very sinister role, but a role nonetheless). In fertility treatments, you often hear of the religion playing a role in the lives of the men and women who undergo treatments – some won’t reduce as it’s against their views, some won’t undergo certain types of treatments, and others separate their views on religion from their views on the science of fertility treatments and options. What role did/does religion play or not play in your fertility treatments or child-rearing choices?

8. This question comes directly from the book, the last sentence of Chapter 16 (p. 123 in my version) immediately after the Ceremony: "Which of us is it worse for, her [Serena Joy] or me [Offred]?" We've discussed the Pain Olympics in previous book tours, with books told from the infertile perspective. Handmaid's Tale, however, is told from the (supposedly) fertile point of view. So, how would you answer the question? Could you choose either of these wretched creatures as the slightly more wretched?

9. I was quite bothered that the Handmaids took on the names of their Commanders (Ofglen, Ofcharles, Offred). Seems so domineering, de-personalizing -- another tool in taking power away from women in Gilead. So archaic, even. Then I realized that we do the same in our culture, but with last names. Does this make it okay? Even women who keep their maiden name (no pun intended) after marriage tend to refer back to their father's name. Do our customs continue to de-power and de-identify women? What would a culture that values the matrilineal look like?

10. On pg. 70, Offred is discussing her past studies of psychology and at this time she mentions a study done on three pigeons trained to peck at buttons for grain. She states: Three groups of them: the first got one grain per peck, the second one grain every other peck, the third was random. When the man in charge cut off the grain, the first group gave up quite soon, the second group a little later. The third group never gave up. They'd peck themselves to death rather than quit. While reading these lines, I could not help but identify with the third group of pigeons. Sadly, I think I've come to a point where I will never give up, even if it means death before success. How about you? Do you identify with one of these groups? What do you think Atwood's intention was in including this bit of information?

11. On pg. 112, during the birth day while Ofwarren is in labor, Offred is thinking about the baby that is about to be born. At this time she also talks about the unborn babies and the fact that they had no way of telling until birth what type of baby would be born. She states: There's no telling. They could tell once, with machines, but that is now outlawed. What would be the point of knowing, anyway? You can't have them taken out; whatever it is must be carried to term. While reading this, I found myself thinking back to my first pregnancy where I wound up with conjoined twins. Then and even now, I wonder if I would've been better off not knowing. I miscarried, so I did not have to make a choice, but in light of that, ignorance may very well have been bliss. How do you feel about the abundance of technology when it comes to reproduction and pregnancy? Do you think that sometimes not knowing so much can be a good thing?

Group B

1. What is the role of infertility in creating the world of the Handmaid's Tale? Is the question of infertility or totalitarianism more central to the story, and does Gilead represent the logical outcome of the fate of women in a religiously dominated society affected by mass infertility, or something else entirely?

2. Handmaid's Tale is a first-person account in which only some aspects of life are illuminated completely or even at all. Is there an aspect of the story, something that perhaps requires factual elucidation, that you wish you could know more about? If yes, what is it and how do you feel that knowledge would add to your understanding of a character, a group of characters, or life in Gilead in general?

3. The structure of the civilization in the book seemed really eerie to me (and quite difficult to figure out). Even though the copyright in my book was 1985 and set in the 21st century, it seems to reflect some of the fears we have today. I found myself wondering if our country could really be in for a drastic "take-over" as represented in the book. What are your feelings about the society described in the book and do you think it is possible to have something like that happen in our country?

4. At the end of the book, the black van comes for Offred. Nick says it's Mayday, but she is not sure. What do you think happened to her after she was taken away in that van?

5. Even though the rampant infertility is acknowledged to be largely due to environmental pollution, Gilead refuses to acknowledge the possibility of male infertility; if a Handmaid is unable to conceive with three Commanders, it is assumed that she is at fault and she is reassigned to the Colonies. How did this double standard resonate with you, if at all?

6. In an interview, Atwood said that "This is a book about what happens when certain casually held attitudes about women are taken to their logical conclusions. For example, I explore a number of conservative opinions still held by many - such as a woman's place is in the home. And also certain feminist pronouncements - women prefer the company of other women, for example. Take these beliefs to their logical ends and see what happens." In your time dealing with infertility, what "casually held attitudes" regarding ART have you encountered? How have you responded, either to the opinion-holder or internally? Is it conceivable (pun not intended) that these opinions will change for future ART patients and what do you think may need to happen to make that possible?

7. For all that the Handmaids are supposed to be serving the society's greater good and should be honored for that, they are looked down upon by just about everyone. Wives resent that the Handmaids do what they cannot, Marthas resent the time spent caring for them, Econowives resent them for the ease of existence they feel the Handmaids must enjoy. And the reverse is true as well, Handmaids resent the other women for having little freedoms they do not enjoy, whether it's control over a household, the ability to hold a knife and make radish roses, or to simply not be a possession without a name. Does this mutual resentment exist in the world of infertility? Do "fertiles" resent "infertiles" and vice versa? If so, in what way?

8. In one scene (it's after midnight and we all have different editions, but you know the one I mean without a page number, right?) Offred observes a funeral procession for a miscarried pregnancy. Comment on the inclusion of this type of ritual in the daily life of the community.

9. The Handmaid's Tale is set against the backdrop of a dystopian society wherein religion and feminism has combined to lay down a strict set of roles for women. In what ways are your reproductive choices shaped by religion and/or feminism? In what way do you think religion and/or feminism shapes the way society views infertility? Is it plausible to you that religion and feminism could ever produce the type of society described in The Handmaid's Tale? Why/why not?

10. You may have read The Handmaid's Tale before, perhaps for a class or your own pleasure reading. If you did, what was it like reading this book for the second time, specifically thinking about it from an infertility angle? Did your thoughts and feelings about the book's premise or any of the characters change? Did any things strike you differently the second time around?

11. I have often wondered what happened to Offred after the events in the book. There was speculation in the lecture notes, but if you were to add to that speculation---what happened to her after she was taken away? Did she work with the underground? Was she pregnant? Did she try to find out what happened to Luke and her daughter? What would you want for her to accomplish (if anything)?

Group C

1. I found it interesting that although Offred would be unable to raise any children she had, she still yearned to be pregnant. It seemed like more than just the fear of what would happen to her if she wasn't successful. Where do you think her desire for a baby stemmed from?

2. Doctors that had performed abortions were now criminals according to the newly formed government, penalized by death. Obviously, infertility had become an epidemic by that time. Do you think that there is a justification for criminalizing abortions if the future of humanity were at risk due to infertility?

3. In the beginning of the book, the Aunts discuss two facets of freedom: "freedom from" and "freedom to". While the old government's laws provided both types of freedom, the new government limited women's freedom to "freedom from". Do you think that "freedom from" is truly a freedom, or is it just the government's way of subtly taking away rights?

4. In Chapter 12, she is talking about her body and states: "I avoid looking down at my body, not so much because it's shameful or immodest but because I don't want to see it. I don't want to look at something that determines me so completely." Dealing with infertility we face many challenges, and one is coming to terms with our body's short-comings. How do you view and deal with your body now, compared to pre-IF (or lack of knowledge on IF), does it determine you, and do you except it or avoid it?

5. Did you find it conflicting that the book showed a male-dominated culture, even in reference to reproducing, when in our culture it seems that women take the brunt of the responsibility? Even though male
infertility was ignored in their culture and females were given stints with new commanders ("tours of booty," as I came to think of it) did you feel the men were still in charge of procreation? How does this
differ from our reality?

6. The notes at the end of the book talk about how the fertility "crisis" was caused by environmental things like nuclear power plant accidents. While there are a number of causes of infertility that could not possibly be related to environmental factors, what do you think the likelihood is that some of them (i.e.: ovulatory dysfunction, male factor issues, unexplained) could be caused by things in our environment today? If you have these as your diagnosis have you ever done anything to change any environmental factors in your life to try to affect a change in your fertility?

7. One thing that continually struck me as I was reading was exactly how easily and smoothly the Giliadean government robbed women of their economic power and, ultimately, any semblance of freedom. All it took was a few keystrokes and (implied) threats to their employers to throw women back into chattel status. I kept wondering, where was the opposition? And what about the men? Offred mentions that even her partner was initially unbothered by what was happening to her. One gets the impression that a well of misogyny lingered below the surface of Offred's society, waiting for an excuse to be released. Do you think this aspect of the novel rang true? How might the citizens in Offred's culture have fought against the Gileadians' plans? Or was the takeover inevitable once it began?

8. One of the things that struck me about the book was how the women managed to find ways to express themselves and be creative, even though so much was denied them & their roles were very rigidly defined. For example, Offred improvises pats of butter in lieu of hand cream. In particular, I was struck by Serena Joy, the Commander's Wife -- she (like me) cannot create life (a baby) -- she no longer has a television career as an outlet -- so she knits. Besides your blog, do you have a creative outlet that helps you cope with your infertility and other life stressors?

9. It was at one time hard for me to put myself in the Wife's shoes, but having dealt with infertility on a more personal sense, I find that I can sympathize with her and her role in this society. If you had to be in this society, how could you cope with your role in it? Would you be a Wife or a Handmaid? Could you sympathize with your counterpart?

Questions for Book Tour Seven: Happiness Sold Separately

2008-07-06T12:23:00.000-07:00

Group A Questions

1. On pages 51-52, Elinor discusses her abortion experience. She says choices are a fairytale and that she had always been pro-choice but now realized she had no choice. Has your stance on abortion changed at all since you began suffering from infertility?

2. In the beginning of Chapter 4, Elinor finds it difficult to look at a newborn and its mother in the seat next to her. She says she isn't so much sad that she can't have a baby of her own but that she can't give her husband a child. Do you find your infertility more painful because of your desire to experience pregnancy and childbirth or because of your desire to see your spouse as a father?

3. Elinor states that there is a difference between sadness and insanity. How do you differentiate between the two during infertility treatments?

4. One of the parts of the book that brought me to tears was when the oak tree that Elinor loves is chopped down. The tree had become a solid source of support for her, something that gave her comfort following the failure of fertility treatment and the separation with her husband, so its loss was devastating. Have you found something inanimate that has provided you with such support? What happened (or what would happen) when you lost that support?

5. At the very close of the book, having discovered her balanced translocation, Elinor likens herself to a screwed up silverware drawer. "Yet there's solace in discovering something is tangibly wrong. A diagnosis rather than you're old" Have you ever felt like this? Do you have a diagnosis for your fertility problems? Was it a relief? If your problem is unidentified, or age is against you, do you wish that you did have a reason?

6. I feel like the author was trying to show all sides of these complicated relationships, wanting you to sympathize with Elinor, Ted, Gina and Toby. Did you find yourself able to sympathize, or at least not dislike, all of these characters?

7. Elinor's thought on page 47 really struck me: "When Elinor was paying attention to her career, she should have been paying attention to her biological clock. When she was paying attention to her biological clock, she should have been paying attention to her husband." It made me wonder: Am I paying attention now to the things I should be paying attention to now? Are you?

8. Both Elinor in this book and Amelia in Love and other Impossible Pursuits are uber-sarcastic. Come to think of it, Peggy Orenstein (Waiting for Daisy) is, too. Do you think the experience of being infertile makes one sarcastic, or do you think such high levels of sarcasm lower one's infertility? Obviously, I say this tongue-in-cheek, for the latter scenario is ridiculous. But as for the former, do you find yourself more sarcastic as a way of dealing with IF? If so, how does sarcasm help?

9. Elinor takes up laundry and Ted works on the hutch. What new hobbies did you pick up or abandon during treatments?

10 How did you feel about Toby? Do you think he manipulated the situation too much? Was it strange to you that Ted was willing to be a father figure to Toby, but did not want to talk about adoption with Elinor?

11. Lolly writes that Elinor wouldn't mind "pressing charges ... against God for taking her baby" .... and that one of the things she doesn't like about practicing law is "forever trying to enforce justice, to fight life's unfairness. It takes so much energy, and somehow seems to miss the point." How does this relate to your experience? Do you find yourself consuming lots of energy trying to fight life's unfairness? If so, how do you fight it? Does it seem to miss the point? Or do you see your fight accomplishing something?

12. Lolly describes how Elinor became superstitious in her attempts to conceive. "At one point she thought they should throw out the unlucky mattress...That's when she and Ted started checking into hotel rooms on weekends, trying to make getting pregnant fun." Did you ever engage in rituals to get around superstitions. How did you alter your behavior or possessions to improve your odds?

13. Elinor finally finds out there's a reason for her pregnancy problems, "a balanced translocation," and finds "there's solace in learning that something is tangibly wrong." How does (or would) a definitive, action-able diagnosis affect your ability to adjust or come to terms with your infertility? How would it affect your emotional response? Would it provide some closure? Alternatively, if you're in the unexplained category how does that ambiguity affect your decision-making and desire to keep trying?

14. Elinor participates in a book club meeting following her miscarriage and finds that "no one gets her"...and thinks "why should they? She's a barren, bitter, self-pitying grouch. She hates this book club. She smiles and loosens the grip on the stem of her wineglass, afraid she might snap it in half." Do you find yourself having similar experiences? Would the infertility struggle be easier for you if you felt that people "got you" or not? Please elaborate. [added by Melissa: I hope this book club doesn’t do that!]

Group B Questions

1. Elinor seemed to turn all of her books on the subject of infertility backwards on the bookshelves, where Roger found them while cleaning. Why do you think she did so? In what ways do you think people who are struggling with infertility help in keeping infertility such a "taboo" topic? Do you see infertility ever becoming a more accepted or understood topic?

2. "Warren" the old oak tree in Elinor's front yard is a symbolic character in the book. Ted and Elinor's unexpected pregnancy was conceived under the fateful tree. What were your thoughts on Warren's symbolism? Do you have a similar touchstone in your life for times of turmoil?

3. The end of the book was left open to the reader. Do you think that Elinor and Ted stayed together, or that they really finally separate? Did she pursue adoption on her own, or did they do another round of IVF with PGD? Do you think she ended up happy, or did she continue to struggle?

4. The book explores different kinds of love. It seems that their battle with fertility (and really Elinor’s battle with herself) has changed the type of love Ted feels for his wife. Has your journey with infertility and/or loss changed the love between you and your spouse?

5. Elinor seeks the comfort of odd places. At first it is in the laundry room, and then later changes to the oak tree in her yard. I think we all try to find comfort to help us make it through the bad patches. What were/are your sources of comfort?

6. Did you see a parallel between Elinor and Toby beyond their relationship with Ted?

7. What role does Roger (the cleaning guy) play in the book? What is the significance of the items left between Elinor's sheets?

8. What did you imagine happened to Elinor and Ted after the book ends? If you were Elinor, Ted and Gina, what do you think you would have done?

9. On page 66, Elinor reveals that she was more disappointed about not being able to have Ted's child versus not having a child at all. How did you react to this revelation? Can you understand her feelings and if so, how do they relate to your own?

10. One of my favorite parts of the book was when she threw all of her IF books into the mulcher. Most people would have thought she was crazy! Her thoughts about all of the books were so similar to mine. I guess my question is who else sees themselves in Elinor? On the surface it seems like the symbolism is pretty obvious but I think it went much deeper. Anyone else? Any other thoughts on this section?

11. Lolly circles back repeatedly to examine the peculiar dynamics of a marriage plagued by infertility. In particular, she focuses on the conflicting desires for closeness and distance that Elinor experiences. Why do you think Elinor "is irritated by her husband when he was attentive, and then resentful when he stepped back to giver her room?" (p. 12). Even during difficult treatment cycles, Ted was not a source of comfort to her (p. 26). Why?

12. As we see glimpses into Ted & Elinor's relationship after their unsuccessful fertility treatments, we discover that Ted seeks solace in the garage and the gym -- places where he can "fix" things. Elinor finds refuge in the laundry room and by re-reading classic novels from college. Why do you think Elinor is drawn to these activities? What activities do you engage in as a way to soothe your soul during your fertility quest and why do you think you are drawn to them? What about your partner - does he/she have places or tasks that provide some refuge?

The Mistress's Daughter

2008-04-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

Josh's thoughts on the book:

I really liked this book. I remember reading Homes's article in the New Yorker a few years ago and being blown away by the early bones of this story. I met her a little while later and had one of those foot-in-mouth encounters where I tried to tell her how amazing I thought her article was but I think ended up only making myself look like an idiot and her feel awkward to be confronted by my fawning.

A feeling of the "subtlety of biology," a lovely aphorism, is not something that Homes necessarily welcomes. I sometimes feel that biology raps me over the head when I look at biologically-related family members. How has infertility affected our feelings about the "subtlety of biology"?

It's given me ambivalent feelings. On the one hand, the amazing narcissism of seeing parts of yourself in your children is amazing, but on the other is the knowledge that as we grow our family, we may choose to do so through third-party reproduction either through donor gametes or adoption. When I think about that not-yet future child, I would never want them to feel less because there isn't that genetic tie. As I like to tell Mel, I love her more than anyone in the world and we're not genetically related.

The author talks about searching for information on her ancestors and realized that many of the people searching were not adopted. She realized from that the question of "who am I" is not unique to adoptees. At what point in your life, have you felt the same way?

Interestingly, I recently read Daniel Mendelsohn's The Lost which also deals quite a bit with genealogy. Until I read that book, I'd always been more interested in the history that people could tell me--people like my grandparents. But now, I think I am interested in exploring further.

AM Homes seemed to have a lot of angst that she attributed to growing up as an adopted child. Is such angst inherently a part of being adopted, or rather, is having angst about ones childhood an inherent part of being a child, and adopted children simply pin their angst to being adopted while children raised by their biological parents pin their angst to whatever other issue they perceive as the "problem" of their childhood?

I can't speak for whether being adopted leaves you more prone to angst than any other kid. However, I am reminded of what I told a person who came to see a film I showed about life on a kibbutz in Israel that portrayed that life in a pretty unflattering life. The person was from a kibbutz and felt that the filmmaker was pinning all their emotional baggage on the kibbutz and that plenty of people grow up and are happy on the kibbutz and happy later in life because and not in-spite of growing up on a kibbutz. Rather than get into a debate about whether the filmmaker is being fair or not, I told this person, that the filmmaker is an artist with an artistic disposition. Artists tend not to fit in wherever they are, it is part of what makes them who they are. I'm not sure if this is the case for A.M. Homes, but I'd be willing to bet that her artistic temperament is an important part of how she filters her adoption experience.

The Jane Austen Book Club Discussion by Pamela Jeanne

2008-01-28T05:21:00.000-08:00

This post is written by Pamela Jeanne of Coming2Terms and posted by Melissa to the Annex. You can leave a comment for her here or go over to Coming2Terms to continue the discussion.

*******

It was fun to imagine being a seventh member of the Jane Austen Book Club. I’m a devoted fan of Jane Austen. For a time when I was 17 years old, I emulated her writing in letters to friends if only because I was intrigued with trying to imagine what life must have been like when she was alive. My fascination continues because I more than likely would have been a close friend of hers if we had lived at that time. Like her I would have used whatever devices were at my disposal to maintain my independence or to express my ideas or opinions. I shudder to think how limiting life for women was in Jane’s era, and for that I respect her tremendously.

Happiness seemed to be a reoccurring topic throughout the book. Sylvia and Bernadette seemed to be polar opposites in how they reacted to things in life and how they viewed happiness. Do you identify with one of these ladies over the other? Explain. Did another character speak to you instead? Who and why?

I identified more with Bernadette and her idea of happiness. Happiness for me has become less dependent on circumstances around me and more about how I choose to perceive what comes my way. I’ve learned to appreciate happiness as a state of mind that’s in my control. I found Sylvia’s weakness was in subjugating herself to her immediate family. By seeking happiness in my own right I think I do more to help those in my life. Bernadette and I also share a sometimes naïve desire to see the good in people. I want to believe that people will surprise me with their goodness.

Which character in the Jane Austen Book Club did you most relate to? And what is your favorite Jane Austen novel and why?

Jocelyn is the character I most related to in this novel. I’m allergic to animals but if I wasn’t I could see having a close relationship with cats or dogs because they seem in their own way to be more accepting than humans. While neither Jocelyn nor I have children and we share strong independent streaks, Jocelyn and I also have definite nurturing aspects.

As for my favorite novel, it’s by far Pride and Prejudice. I adore Elizabeth Bennet and imagined as a young woman that we were very like each other. I appreciate her pragmatism but I also relate to her closet romantic side. She wasn’t one to buy into the marriage game of her day and saw the absurdity of a smart woman settling for a lesser mate. She was intellectually equal to men (thanks to her progressive father) and wasn’t about to sell out for an uneven match-- my kind of girl.

Jocelyn and Sylvia are closer than most sisters. Their relationship has withstood many tests. Do you have a particular friend who has stood by you through thick and thin in ways that stand out from most friendships, and if so what brought you together and what keeps the relationship so special?

Friendships grow and change challenged by life’s experiences. I’m in a hiatus of sorts with two of my best friends – one from my childhood, the other from my early 20s. In the case of the former, we shared the premature death of her mother and in the case of the latter sad and regretful divorce – each of which forced us to grow but the pain was diminished with the closeness we shared. Sadly, their graduation to mommyhood has created a large gap in our ability to relate to each other today. I expect that much like Joceyln and Sylvia who had their own differing experiences we’ll come back together at some point but I am very aware that I am next to impossible for them to understand. They have the larger challenge in trying to figure me out and yet I have high hopes my differences won’t prove to be the end of what was once a great ability to read each other’s minds.

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about The Jane Austen Book Club? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Brigade by visiting the master list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #10 (Embryo Culture by Beth Kohl with author participation!) and all are welcome to join along . All you need is a book and blog.

Already on the Creme de la Creme

2007-12-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

These are the blogs that have currently submitted a link for the 2007 Creme de la Creme list. It is current through 8:50 p.m. on Wednesday (December 19th). If you don't see a blog you read on this list (or your own isn't here), go nudge that person to send a link. I know, I know, they have time (the due date is December 23rd), but I have a lot of time this weekend to read and blurb so... I'm being selfish and self-absorbed! They can email it to thetowncriers@gmail.com. And you can send them to this post if they have any questions.

(Un)complicate Me
(Un)Fertile Phase
A Little Sweetness
A Sibling for Celia
A Uterus Divided
A View On My Life
Are We There Yet?!
As I See It
BabyQuest
BagMomma
Beaten But Not Bowed
Birch and Maple
Busted Babymaker
Churp Churp
Coming2Terms
Crazy Lady Ramblings
Creating Motherhood
Desperate to Multiply
Drama2BMama
Everyday Stranger
Eye Heart Internet
Fertility Challenged in Florida
Fertilize Me
From the Peanut Gallery
Henry Street
Here We Go Again
Hez in IVFland
In Search of Biscuit 2.0
Inconceivable
Indi's Human
Infertility Just Sucks
Jen & Jeremy: One DINK Couple's Adventures
Jenn-e-fur's Oasis
Just One Bean
Latest News
Life, Love, and Infertility
Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Normalcy
Life's Lost and Found
Living a New Life with Infertility
Looking for 2 Lines
Love Will Tear Us Apart
Miss E's Musings
Mission: Impossible
MLO Knitting
Mrs. Spock
My Many Blessings
No Longer Broken
No Swimmers in the Tubes, No Bun in the Oven
Or Life is a Bed of Roses
Our Own Creation
Production, Not Reproduction
Project Progeny
Ramblings of a 30 Something
Reproductive Jeans
Reproductively Speaking
Road Blocks and Rollercoasters
Road to Adopt
Sean and Mary's Family
Sell Crazy Someplace Else
Serenity Now!
Slaying, Blogging, Whatever...
So These are the Days of My Life
Sticky Bean Preconception Journal
Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
Super Ovum
Taking the Statistical Bullet
The Duchess
The Dunn Family
The Idle Mind of Beth
The Maybe Baby
The New Life of Nancy
The Open Door
The Problem with Hope
The Road Less Travelled
The Secret Garden
The Shifty Shadow
The Smarshy Files
The Sweet Life
The Waiting Womb
The Wizard of Ovulation
The World According to Monica
They Grow in Your Heart
Things Get Iffy
This is NOT What I Ordered!
Thoughts of a Preacher's Wife
Twisted Ovaries
Unexplain This
Weebles Wobblog
Welcome to the Dollhouse
What Wuz I Saying...?
When Sarah Laughed

Questions for Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

2007-10-24T11:41:00.001-07:00

These are the questions for Tour Six: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman

Group A

Throughout the book my feelings towards Emilia were conflicted. If you felt that way too, why did you also feel that way?

Emilia's handling of grief changes during the book. In the beginning she mocks her friend, Mindy's wholehearted embrace of "the grief community" and rejects her offer to go on the Walk to Remember. She then changes her mind and does the Walk and comments that she envies "the ease of their grief" while wincing at the bad poetry read aloud at the pond. Do you find that your desire to openly express your grief has changed? Have the structures and practices in place helped you cope with your grief or do you wince like Emilia at things you find overly sentimental or just inappropriate for you?

In the end, Emilia acknowledges that perhaps the idea of bashert, a 'magical unit,' was just a "dream" a "kabalistic tale." That she had used this idea to justify ignoring her obligations to those she loved. Do you think your situation has led you to neglect your significant other (or other loved ones in your life)?

Emilia often describes the intense physical and emotional connection between she and Jack. She often refers to him as her bashert. But after the loss of Isabel, and Emilia's spiral into solitary despair, that connection is damaged. This alteration is noted by Emilia when Jack declines her first offer of physical intimacy since their daughter's death. She becomes "terrified that I have become like Carolyn, cold to sex, unmoved by my husband, uninterested in the passion that once meant everything to me." What sort of relationship do you have with your significant other? Do you feel he/she is your bashert? What effect has IF/loss had on your emotional and/or physical relationship?

Emilia has a difficult time relating to other women who have had losses in pregnancy, usually because she sees her situation as different and worse than those women who have had miscarriages. She is particularly hard on her friend Mindy. Do you feel like this attitude was justified on her part? Are mothers of SIDs victims much different and worse off than mothers of miscarriages? Or can we all belong to the same support group?

There seems to be a natural urge to rank our pain against that of others. Emilia separates herself from Mindy (p65) by saying, rather graphically, that a miscarriage loss is nothing compared to baby loss. Later at the Walk To Remember (p256), Emilia again feels disgusted to find that a woman has named her miscarried children. How did this strike you in light of your own situation? Do you (consciously or subconsciously) rank the pains of (a) not being able to conceive; (b) not being able to carry a baby to term; and (c) the death of a baby/child? Did you choose your own pain as the worst?

We all have had someone in our lives like William who innocently says the wrong thing more often then we would like. How has your infertility experience helped you respond better to those "innocent yet wrong" comments/questions?

For those of us who have suffered loss, the Walk to Remember maybe raises some feelings and issues. Emilia meets another woman who lost a child after birth. "It's a terrible way to lose them. However it happens is bad, but SIDS is the worst. I mean, of course I'd think that, but I know I'm right." Emilia feels out of place amongst the women mourning early losses "I realize, with a vertigo that almost knocks me off my feet, that this woman has named her miscarriages...I know it is unfair to feel disgust...I have no right to condemn her just because she has given her miscarriages middle names." Is there a hierarchy of loss? Do we share more than divides us? Can we get support and solace from others regardless of their exact experience... or do we seek out those whose experience most closely parallels our own?

This book was, I think, extremely profound to those of us who have suffered life and loss, and to those of us who are stepmothers. One particular theme that I really found very remarkable was the fact that Emilia had such an acute loss, which didn’t detract from her other role, which is as a stepmother. William’s comments that they should ebay the baby’s things were painful from that “from the mouth of babes” kind of space, but at the same time, I wondered myself why Emilia wasn’t going to try again, that her loss was horrific but there could, maybe, be another baby. But then I thought with the emotional turmoil of William and of grieving, maybe she wouldn’t be trying again. And then I thought perhaps she was not only needing to make her peace with her loss, but accepting that there would be no more chances in the future. Have you reached that stage yourself in your quest for a family, or could you envision such a time ahead? If you have stepkids, how much of a role do they play in that decision?

Emilia states her belief on page 332 that those who are powerless in the face of fate are also blameless. Do you agree with this belief—that if something is destined to happen and it does, that you are blameless for its damage?

Emilia tries to get the restaurant to begin carrying a pink cupcake for William, admitting, “He will be overcome by the bliss of a strawberry cupcake and he will forget the rage in his mother’s face when she looked at me. I wish there was a cupcake that delicious. What will it take for me to forget, I wonder?” Is that level of distraction only capable by children? What do you use to distract yourself when you’re trying to forget something painful?

Group B

It seems that Emilia straddles the fences between wanting to participate in the Walk to Remember. At first she talks of how silly it seems to walk around with other women mourning their losses, and later asks her own mother to attend. On the surface the walk itself seemed to be a failure for Emilia. She was frustrated with the appearance of her father, balked at the stars others wore, and felt distanced from the other walkers. But was there anything at the walk that could be considered a turning point for her?

On page 65, Waldman writes, “She (Mindy) think we are members of the same sorority of pain, that we are sisters in grief… But when I’m with Mindy I’m afraid every minute that I’ll that I will tell her she has no fucking idea that a curl of flesh and DNA floating in a toilet bowl full of blood is not a baby, and that the remnants of pregnancy running down your legs is nothing, nothing like holding your dead child in your arms…” React to this statement as a woman who has lost a baby through miscarriage. In addition, can a similar sentiment apply to women experiencing different levels of infertility? Is one person’s “pain” moot in comparison to another’s if one has only failed with IUI versus one who has failed with multiple IVFs?

Is the way Emilia quantifies loss similar or dissimilar to what we all tend to do? (i.e. her reactions to the miscarriages of a friend and the number of names on a heart of another participant at the walk) Why or why don't we do this?

Do you think Jack was tolerant of Emilia's behavior for too long or that he was giving her adequate time and space to grieve? What place do significant others and support persons have in this time of personal devastation?

How did you interpret Emilia's interactions with William? What did they say about her as a person, and in turn, her grief?

We learn later in the book that Emilia is convinced that through her carelessness she smothered her daughter and killed her. Under the same circumstances, do you think you would blame yourself and how would you cope with the situation? Do you think Emilia's sometimes irrational behavior since the death of her daughter stems solely from this feeling of guilt or do you think it is an extension of her 'normal' personality coupled with the stress of her family life and the death of her newborn daughter?

How did you feel about the walk to remember scenes in the book? Did you think it was healing for Emilia? If you have dealt with pregnancy loss, do you find that commemorating loss in community is helpful to you? If you are dealing with infertility do you feel that community has helped you deal with the struggle? In which ways?

Emilia obviously deals with some self-destructive tendencies. Can you relate to her feelings? Have you dealt with self-destructive feelings on your journey to parenthood?

Did you find it hard to relate to Emilia when she said a miscarriage was simply DNA floating around in a toilet bowl? Did it seem like she didn't give miscarriers the right to grieve when she was appalled by the women wearing stars with m/c dates and names?

As I watched the main character go through the pain of her baby's sudden and unexpected death, I wondered if she would be willing to get pregnant again in the future. It was hard enough for me to start trying again after my ectopic - I can't even imagine what I would do after a miscarriage or the loss of a 3 month old baby. What were your thoughts?

Do you think that Jack was supportive of Emilia's task for watching William on Wednesday? Should Emilia have to maintain the same demands/lifestyle standards has Carolyn placed upon William's nanny?

Throughout the novel, Emilia feels she was drawn to her husband, Jack, through the concept of bashert – that it was a magical connection or fate that had drawn them together. Do you believe in love at first sight? Do you believe there is one soul mate for each of us?

As Emilia is grieving over the loss of Isabel, she mentions that her friend Mindy’s miscarriage is not nearly the same as losing a child that you have held in your arms. How did this comment affect you? Did you agree that despite her efforts, Mindy is unable to relate to her and that the experiences are totally different?

Emilia describes in great detail her feelings of guilt regarding Isabel’s death. For those of you who have experienced loss, did you feel responsible in some way? How did you handle those feelings?

Emilia debates participating in the Walk to Remember and questions whether grief counseling or support groups really help when confronted with tragedy. What are your feelings about counseling and support groups? Do you feel that they have some merit?

Questions for The Kid

2007-10-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

Questions for Book Tour Five: The Kid by Dan Savage

In the current political debate about gay marriage, one argument against gay marriage that is often trotted out is that marriage is for making babies. Straight sex, and with it heterosexual marriage, is privileged because it comes with the possibility of procreation. Dan addresses this, writing, "Babies make straight sex more important than gay sex…even when straights are having sex that couldn’t possibly make babies (oral, anal, phone, cyber), the fact that these people could make babies under other circumstances or in other positions legitimizes straight sex…[however] straight sex absent fertility has no larger significance… No babies means no miracles, no magic.” If you are straight (and my apologies for the heterosexual nature of this question) did finding out you weren’t fertile change your feelings about sex and marriage? Do you find that sex is different once the possibility of fecundity has been stripped away from it, and how did the realization that you and your partner are not fertile together affect your feelings about marriage in general and your marriage specifically?

I really enjoyed this book and the different tone it took from many of the other books on infertility that we are presented with, namely that it was mostly humorous and told from the perspective of a gay male couple. The author says in the chapter “Grieving Our Infertility” (page 25 in my book, but not sure if we all have the same printing) that “Heterosexual identity is all wrapped up in the ability of heterosexuals to make babies....Infertility did more than shatter their expectations; it undermined their sexual identities.” If you’re part of a heterosexual couple and in fertility treatment, did you feel the same way? Did you feel that you had lost your sexual identity once you started treatment, or had somehow “failed” as a partner in terms of what is expected of you as a woman?

Dan and Terry face opposition as a gay couple trying to adopt and are able to overcome that stigma with the help of an open-minded birthmother. In some international adoptions, their chances of adopting would have been slim to none due to their sexual orientation. How do you feel about the “rules” some countries have for parents looking to adopt from their country (Examples: sexual orientation, weight, age, mental health, marital status, or income)?

Savage states, "Fertile couples have complete autonomy". No one is checking their background before they can be a parent and no one is checking their reproductive parts for a number of possible candidates. How have you dealt with the loss of autonomy, whether through fertility testing or home study scrutiny?

Dan Savage comes to truly appreciate doing an open adoption, particularly at the moment that Melissa transfers the baby to him and Terry. He states that seeing her pain and feeling the pain of their separation "drove home the logic of open adoption, its absolute necessity" (pg. 216). How do you feel about open adoption? Did reading Savage's book influence your feelings?

How did you feel about a gay male explaining the emotions of infertility starting on p. 22? Were you offended or impressed? Do you think he got it right or was he far from the mark? Did you feel that he was correct when he said on p. 26, “I understood what they must have been going through”?

What would you have done if given only a few hours to decide whether or not to take someone like Melissa into your life in such a permanent way? Would you have avoided the situation altogether at the expense of becoming a parent or growing your family?

After being chosen by Melissa, the birth mother, Dan and Terry attend a support group meeting for adoptive parents who are still in the pool. A couple who has recently adopted a baby attends the meeting to share their story and to boost morale. Dan comments, "The yearning in the room was palpable. A newborn baby at an adoptive-parents support group is like a five-pound bag of heroin at Narcotics Anonymous. Everyone was staring at the couple carrying the smack out of the room, and there were a lot of brave faces slapped over a deep and nearly desperate desire to have what they had. Everyone wanted to be the couple with the smack, and some were losing hope that they'd ever get their hands on any." Later, fellow adoptive parents-in-waiting Carol and Jack tell Dan and Terry that an older couple at the support meeting had been in the pool for nearly 2 years without being chosen by a birth mother. "They've both been made a little crazy by the experience," Jack says. "Every meeting begins with someone dragging in a baby that could've been theirs." Does this scene reflect your experience with online or real-life infertility or adoption support groups? Is the addiction comparison accurate or is it offensive? Do you think that the presentation of the "success story" is truly morale-boosting—why or why not? What does the experience (only hinted at here) of the older waiting couple say about the so-called guaranteed nature of adoption -- is it just a matter of the adoptive parents "hanging in there"?

When I first read The Kid, one of the things that struck me was how different Dan and Terry's experiences were because they hadn't experienced infertility. They were coming to adoption from a different place than I am and it sensitized me to how much time we spent talking about infertility issues and losses in some of the adoption classes I've taken. How did that aspect of the book change how you think about adoption literature, classes, groups, etc or how you interact with people who are pursuing adoption?

For a work of non-fiction, the theme of signs and coincidences plays such a large role in The Kid. On page 152, Dan writes about three twists of fate that bring Terry and he and Melissa together: “...the Seattle conception, the likelihood that Melissa spare changed us on Broadway, and the fact that the kid would be born at OHSU.” Many other signs present themselves through the book such as the incident with Judy’s fortune cookies, and my favorite, the fact that Dan and Terry had their first encounter in a bathroom and that they found themselves in a bathroom together at the moment their son was being born. What role do signs and coincidences play in your life in relation to your infertility and treatment? Do you find that you actively look for signs (good or bad), and how much do you take them to heart?

If you were participating in an open adoption, what are the top three questions you would ask the birth mother?

On page 25, Dan Savage says about infertiles - "...your sex is all recreational, like gay sex, deligitimized and desanctified. Straight sex absent of fertility has no larger significance...No babies means no miracles, no magic. The sex you're having may still be pleasurable, but in a sex-hating ...culture, pleasure is not a good enough reason, otherwise gay and lesbian sex would never have been stigmatized." Do you agree with this? If you waited until you were married or are part of a religion that believes sex is for baby making and therefore birth control is not allowed, does this especially ring true to you? Has your sex life changed now that you know you have little to no chance of a baby being a result?

Savage refers to children in foster care as "damaged goods." How did you react to this? Did you find it offensive or an honest way of expressing why people choose to adopt a newborn rather than a waiting child?

Dan makes a point that straight infertile couples have something in common with a same sex couple who are, by definition, "functionally infertile" and draws an analogy between coming out as gay/lesbian and "coming out" as infertile. This got me thinking about the issues of donated gametes, and how this approach to building a family has long been accepted by lesbians, of course, while the huge growth in egg donation has now begun to make donated gametes quite mainstream. But while a lesbian or gay couple have no choice but to be open about the making of their family (as Dan points out, the child will eventually realise he wasn't born of two dads) it seems common for straight couples using donated eggs or sperm to keep it a secret. What's your take on all of this? If you have used donated gametes, do you see your family as non-conventional? Do you have an ongoing relationship with the donor? Do you plan to be open about the donation?

Do you believe that Dan's statement on p. 22, "And there were no ‘losses inherent in adoption’ for us, but only victory", is necessarily true? Do people that know they cannot have biological children from the beginning, i.e. a woman with a medical condition discovered in childhood, have an easier time coping than those who have spent a lot of time and resources trying to have biological children?

Dan mentions that while he wasn't put off by the concept of a home visit prior to adoption, but that for the straight couples it was another "insult on the pile of injuries and indignities of infertility” ( p.70). During your IF journey, what has been the experience that has left you feeling most exposed?

One thing that got to me in this book is how these guys didn't have to go through the initial questioning of there OWN fertility. Two men can't make a baby, so they just moved straight to adoption. My question is this: Do you think the reason that you've gone so far with your fertility treatments is because you are caught up in proving to yourself that you ARE fertile? How much are you willing to put your body through in your quest for a baby before you decide to move onto adoption (if that is even an option for you)?

On p. 164, Dan is terrified of bringing baby items into the house before the adoption is finalized. Will you (or did you) bring items into the house before a birth or an adoption?

What do you think DJ will think when he reads this book down the line?

Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

2007-09-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

Intrigued by the idea of a book tour and want to read more about Love and Other Impossible Pursuits? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at Stirrup Queens. Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #7 (Happiness Sold Separately by Lolly Winston) and all are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.

When Mel handed over my chicklitty assignment, I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to it. Who the hell wants to take a break from reading non-fiction tome after non-fiction tome about German history? But marriage is about compromise and I actually quickly got into Emilia's world. In the end, Ayelet Waldman won me over, even if she was writing about feelings and girlie stuff.

Throughout the novel, Emilia feels she was drawn to her husband, Jack, through the concept of bashert – that it was a magical connection or fate that had drawn them together. Do you believe in love at first sight? Do you believe there is one soul mate for each of us?

I believe very strongly in bashert, but, to get all Talmudical for a second, I don't think that is the same as love at first sight. Let's face it. Most people have an impossible time distinguishing between love at first sight and lust at first sight. As for us guys -- it's all the same to us. Love. Lust. Whatever. Your place or mine? (Thinks: Damn, you're hot.) She says yes. (Thinks: God, I love you.) Same dif.

More seriously, I believe Mel and I are bashert, but it was an accumulation of knowledge to realize this rather than a bolt of lightning (she might disagree). Trusting that, for me, made a lot of the shit we went though with IF tolerable, because I trusted we would get through it as a couple. While being with my bashert couldn't guarantee "happily ever after" at least I knew I wouldn't be alone.

Emilia debates participating in the Walk to Remember and questions whether grief counseling or support groups really help when confronted with tragedy. What are your feelings about counseling and support groups? Do you feel that they have some merit?

We went to a support group run by our IF clinic once. It made us feel a little less alone, and I probably wish we had done so earlier. The person who ran the group was sorta useless, but the other people in it all had similar stories and I think were happy to learn from someone else in the flesh that they weren't nuts for keeping an African fertility statue in the bedroom for good luck. It helped us cope with the on-going crisis of infertility. I am a bit more suspect of the worth of such things for coping with "tragedy." Tragedies are in many ways singular events and unless you're a party to the specific tragedy there are more limits to the extent that others can help you.

Hop back to the main post at Stirrup Queens to read more thoughts on Love and Other Impossible Pursuits.

Come On Get Happy--A Compilation

2007-08-22T11:55:00.000-07:00

Answering Tal Ben Shahar's rallying cry of a happiness revolution, bloggers across the infertility/ pregnancy loss blogosphere have been writing about happiness and working through the exercises and ideas presented in the numerous positive psychology and prospection books that have been published as of late. Read through the posts below to follow the discussion.

Come On Get Happy 1 (Stirrup Queens)
Come On Get Happy 2 (Stirrup Queens)
Pursuit of Happiness (Bella Vida)
Happiness is a Warm Gun (Karaoke Diva)
Tunnel Vision (Are We There Yet)
Come On Get Happy 3 (Stirrup Queens)* First Happiness Challenge (from September 1--30)
Happiness, Defined (Outlandish Notions)
My Definition of Happiness (Are We There Yet)
My Happiness (Flutter of Hope)
Where For Art Thou, Happiness (My Journey to Mommyhood)
Shades of Yellow (BagMomma)
So Go On, If It Will Make You Happier (Looking for 2 Lines)
Happiness (Motherhood)
Happiness Is... (Fertilize Me)
Hakuna Matata (Sticky Feet)
Happiness Is... (Sticky Bean)
Pursuit of Happiness (Southern Infertility)
Happiness Is...An Appreciation of the Dewey Decimal System (Miss E's Musings)
Happiness, Felicidad, Bonheur, Felicita (Vacant Womb)

Lyrics for What the Gardener Knows

2007-07-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

What the Gardener Knows

I take such close care
Of the empty beds
Nodding heads
I scatter seeds
You can’t see just what I sow
But the gardener knows

CHORUS:
If you see me
Crying
Know that it’s not what you do
I just wanted
To share
That not-yet flower with you

When we first pressed seeds
To the hugging soil
Matching smiles
Broken hearts from missing flowers
That were never found
Up above the ground

CHORUS:
If you see me
Crying
Know that it’s not what you do
I just wanted
To share
That not-yet flower with you

I imagine sweet petals
Thick, strong stems
And deep green leaves
I still love you
When you don’t appear
And remain only a dream

CHORUS:
If you see me
Crying
Know that it’s not what you do
I just wanted
To share
That not-yet flower with you

So we keep planting
Even though
We have had a long fall
So we keep planting
When spring returns
Hope is the root of it all

You say I’m not a gardener
From my empty lots
Empty heart
There is so much beneath
That I wish so hard would grow
Only the gardener knows

CHORUS:
If you see me
Crying
Know that it’s not what you do
I just wanted
To share
That not-yet flower with you

We both hurt
From trying
Lion’s heart and missing rose
I tell you this
‘Cause I need to share
What this gardener knows

From Cats in the Cradle

2007-07-19T19:56:00.001-07:00

Cats in the Cradle is a password-protected blog, therefore, in order to participate in the roundup celebration, I've posted this single entry from her blog here in order for other people to be able to read it. Interested in reading this blog in its entirety? Email the author and she will send you an invite.

Cats in the Cradle
Wednesday, January 31, 2007

A Preemptive Move?

Well, I don't quite know where to begin this post. It's one of those 'do you want the good news first or the bad news first' kinds of posts? I'm usually inclined to get my bad news first so I'll go with that.

This cycle is a bust. Again. I took an HPT yesterday and today so I was not shocked by the call that came on my lunch break, just hours ago, to say that the pregnancy test was negative. Yet again. I was not shocked but that does not lessen the pain much. I have a feeling a big cry is ahead and I already had one Sunday.

I am sad, of course I am. I am not as crushed as I have been other cycles, but that may not be a good sign altogether. It may just indicate how tired I am. How little hope I had for this cycle to begin with, etc. I was more sad on Sunday when I had the big cry. I cried and cried like the world was ending. Because it was. My idea of my world was ending. My world does not, and will not, look the way I wanted or expected it to. I never imagined this for myself, for my husband, or for our life together. Of all my worries (and I tned to have many) infertility wasn't even on the list. It was such a shock, and still is in some ways, rather surreal. All this pain and disappointment has been our marriage. (I mean this in terms of time, we have been enduring fertility treatments for most of our four year marriage, nice honeymoon, eh?) I really need the pain to stop. I am depressed and sad more than is healthy. It is understandable given our circumstances but that doesn't make it OK. I need to take my life back at least on some level.

There comes a time when banging your head against the wall just hurts too much, and starts to feel a bit silly, to be honest. So, we are truly at that crossroads now. We need to choose a path even though the one we wanted isn't even on the map we've been issued.

So I have mentioned the options before: Continue treatment, pursue adoption, choose child free. The last is still not imaginable for me. C. can imagine it, says he would be OK being just us, just a couple but he supports and understands that I cannot let go of the motherhood dream I had for myself and the family dream I had for us. It may be able to accept child fee at some point in the future, but right now I till need to try to build a family. It's just that I need to try in a way that may actually work for us. We will do no more than two medicated IUI's. We will submit our application to the adoption agency that we have researched and chosen. We will pursue domestic adoption. As far as adoption options go, the Caucasian newborn programs are about the longest shot of all, but it is what we are going to try for. I have to have faith that a birth mother out there will find us to be a good fit to parent her baby. It may take a while. I will probably take longer than if we chose an international program (hard to say really) but C. feels very strongly about this path and I just want to get to motherhood, so I don't want to quibble about which road anymore. I would have skipped IVF altogether if C. and I could have agreed on an adoption path way back then. I was too scared of domestic but I've educated myself and opened my heart and I think this is something I can do. One thing infertility has taught me is that I am a hell of a lot stronger than I could have imagined and I can do a hell of a lot of things I would have found impossible if you had asked me four years ago!

So here we go! Buckle up!

Oh, and since I ought to explain a number of things, including the title of this post: We met with the adoption agency staff yesterday. It was a real on the fly kind of thing. I tested yesterday morning and all hope was lost yet again for a pregnancy. C.'s shift got cancelled. I got to work and my boss sent me home when he found out my hubby was off (C. having a day off is pretty rare and my boss is also my dad.) So, I called C. to say I was coming home and how did he feel about going to meet the social worker if I could arrange a meeting? He said yes, I called, she said see you at three. So, off we went. We explained our scenario, asked our questions the last of which being how firm were they on the rule about stopping treatment before even submitting an application. And after a bit of back and forth which involved her figuring out just how done I really was and that I had no intention whatsoever to be in "the profile book" as an available couple while still trying it was just that we wanted to get the home study underway so that we could be "book ready" and hit the ground running as soon as I got my BFN from the last IUI no later than May. She said she would normally discourage this overlap but she gets the clear sense that we are ready and if we are willing to take the financial risk of losing our application monies, etc. then she's fine with that. I said well, after losing close to fifty thousand dollars on failed treatments what's another $1600 on a home study and an application if we should not need it in the utterly unlikely event I find myself pregnant in the next two attempts after something like 16 have failed (I've lost count.) So, that long winded scandalously long run on bit is to say I think I am finally ready to embrace the adoption option.

I am both scared and excited. On Sunday I had a huge cry about it all (again). It was rather cathartic and it made me look at what I really want here. We want to be parents. Biology is not a priority for us. We'd like a newborn so domestic was the way to go and we've made our peace with our respective birth mother fears. The state I live in and where the agency is based has a 30 day revocation. So once we jump all the hoops, once we are chosen, once a baby is placed with us, we will have to make it through an entire month of loving and bonding with a child we may not get to keep. But as devastating as a "disruption" would be (can you believe that's what they call it??) the risk is relatively low. And somewhere along the way here, C. and I are bound to fall on the right side of the statistics, right??

And lastly: If I am so ready, why do the two more cycles at all? Well I don't have a really great answer for that other than I just need to. I may change my mind along the way but I am quite sure it will be in favor of doing less cycles, not more.

2 Comments:

At January 31, 2007 11:21 AM, soralis

Thanks for inviting me to your blog. Good luck with getting it all setup. And good luck moving forward!!

Sorry about the bfn.

Take care

At January 31, 2007 12:09 PM, Starfish

As I have said to you before, I have been exactly in your shoes. What struck me was when you said "My world does not, and will not, look the way I wanted or expected it to". I think that is the hardest part to swallow. But I can attest to the fact that evenutally you see that the world you end up with can be so much more wonderful than you ever dreamed. Hang in there Beagle, and do what you have to do. If you have to continue treatment, then do it. I am glad you are starting the adoption process though, that helped me mentally. In any case, you are moving forward and that's a good thing.

From The Problem With Hope

2007-07-19T17:12:00.000-07:00

The Problem With Hope is a password-protected blog, therefore, in order to participate in the roundup celebration, I've posted this single entry from her blog here in order for other people to be able to read it. Interested in reading this blog in its entirety? Email the author and she will send you an invite.

The Problem With Hope
Friday, September 29, 2006

How Did We Get Here?

Ever have one of those moments where you're like...how on earth did THIS become my life? These problems, these joys, these people, this place? How did it happen? Today is one of those days for me, I guess.

I'm amazed and overwhelmed sometimes that THIS is our life.

The infertility, though I did always have it in the back of my mind growing up since Mom and Dad had trouble, is something I never expected to be like THIS. I mean, I though, sure, IUI's. Meds. MAYBE IVF as a last resort. I never thought we'd be here. I feel hurt and sad that I may never have biological kids, never feel baby kicking inside me. But at the same time, it's amazing to look at our journey and see what God has enabled us to do! All those treatments! All that worry, stress, anxiety that was handled as well as can be expected. The surgery. The miscarriage. But we were ABLE to do all that and we have come out relatively and blessedly unscathed....Strong marriage and strong faith, probably better than before. And an unwavering commitment to be a family of more than 2. And I really feel like I've connected to (and hopefully helped) a lot of great people through this. Infertility has been awful, the worst part of my life to be sure, but there's ways to overcome and I want that enough to make it happen. It's part of me, not who I am.

The adoption.....Pretty frequently I think "holy cow, WE are ADOPTING" out of the blue. I feel blessed to have this opportunity, but it's staggering in it's enormity! We'll be accepting someone else's child, and opening a relationship with that person. That, along with all the regular parenting stuff can be pretty amazingly heavy! But in a good way!

We have a big problem (previous posts if you don't know what I'm talking about) with my family right now. Sure. We have little problems here and there with lots of other things, as well. But overall? We have our health (not so much reproductively I guess). Our immediate families are wonderful and supportive. We have great friends whom we can always count on. A thriving business. A new home. Happy pets. Lots of vacations. We really are blessed. Thanks to God, because today it's easy for me to see that he's good to me and is working in my life, even if I can't see it always.

How did this become my life? How did I get so lucky?

4 comments:

Mary Ellen and Steve said...: Oh Jess. What a beautiful post and a great outlook. Hugs to you.; 8:23 PM
theoneliner said...: i have had those exact thoughts. i walk around thinking poor me. but then i make myseelf realize that i had the dumb luck to be born into one of the wealthiest countries, i was lucky enough to end up with a great job, and at the end of the day i come home to a great man.

so, while we don't have a baby...we have a lot.; 7:10 AM
theoneliner said...: great post by the way. : ); 7:10 AM
My Reality said...: Beautiful post. You are remarkable!

"The Kid" by Dan Savage

2007-07-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

So, here are my answers for this round of the Book Tour. Today’s subject is “The Kid” by Dan Savage. I’ve enjoyed his sex advice column which runs locally in the Washington City Paper for years. He’s a very readable writer and funny as hell. I think his experience with adoption is very unique to his situation and his relationship and so I’d be wary of drawing any conclusions about open adoption based on his account. I’d want to know how someone a little less cool experienced the process before I’d proceed with it.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Love, and Other Impossible Pursuits by Ayelet Waldman (with author particpation!).

1) If you were participating in an open adoption, what are the top three questions you would ask the birth mother?

First, I’d want to know about who the biological father is, if she is still in contact with him and what if any involvement he might expect in the child’s life? From what I understood from the book, the bio-father is the giant question mark in the equation and you’re better off doing things by the book from the start. I wouldn’t want an adoption reversal because of lack of due diligence to inform the father of his rights.

Next, I’d want an honest assessment of her health, both current and pre-pregnancy; with frank questions about smoking, alcohol and drug use. If it were possible to sneak in some information about family health issues that would be a bonus.

Finally, I’d ask what sort of relationship she saw herself having with this child and us ten and twenty years from now? I’d want to make sure that both long-term and short-term expectations were matching what we wanted.

2) Dan mentions that while he wasn't put off by the concept of a home visit prior to adoption, but that for the straight couples it was another "insult on the pile of injuries and indignities of infertility" ( p.70). During your IF journey, what has been the experience that has left you feeling most exposed?

For me it was providing the “sample” for the semen analysis. I swear I thought everyone in the waiting room (I was on a Kaiser health plan then, sort of like McMedicine) could tell what I was there for. I also felt like the people who checked me in at the desk were shouting SEMEN ANALYSIS at the top of their lungs. Then, insult to injury someone knocked on the door to ask if I was finished – and I was still trying to get started.

3) On p. 164, Dan is terrified of bringing baby items into the house before the adoption is finalized. Will you (or did you) bring items into the house before a birth or an adoption?

We did bring stuff into the house, because to our thinking, if something had gone wrong, not having stuff around the house wasn’t going to be some sort of saving grace or a way of escaping feelings of guilt. Because, of course, it is a stupid superstition. Onesies and cribs don’t cause adoption reversals or stillbirths any more than they cause marriages to break up because of adoption reversals or stillbirths. That said, I felt a little afraid to actually act on the logical side of my brain. It was like when I got my ear pierced when I was fifteen – a mild rebellion against parental authority with no real consequences except for pumping up my own bravado. Look at me, I’m not hung up on silly superstitions. And yet I was very careful while hanging a mirror not to break it – but that shit is real.

Home Is Where the Heart Is Again (fini)

2007-07-10T19:44:00.000-07:00

Instead of going back to work, she called into the office to say that she had fallen into a toilet downstairs and had gone home in embarrassment. No one wanted to challenge this story and hear more about her damp pantyhose so she had the afternoon to herself to wait for her trigger shot, update her blog, and dream about the baby that would come one day.

The End

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Return to the Office (fini)

2007-07-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

When she got back to her office building, everyone was milling around outside.

"What's happening?" Sharon asked Theo, her boss's assistant. He looked up from his palm pilot where he was playing a Mensa game.

"A bomb threat. Or a gas leak. Or maybe an earthquake. I think you're supposed to go outside if there's an earthquake."

"I thought you need to go into a doorway. Wait, there aren't earthquakes here. Can I go inside?"

"Nope, we were all told to be out of the building."

"Then I'm just going home," Sharon said simply.

"Cool. Can I make up the reason for your absence when Angela asks?" Theo begged.

"Sure, but just be sure to make it good. Blood. Guts. That sort of thing," Sharon told him as she got back into her car.

She drove home singing along to the radio and avoiding Starbucks. Her husband wasn't due home for a while, so a long afternoon of updating her blog and reading from the Stirrup Queen's blogroll awaited her.

The End

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Okay (fini)

2007-07-10T19:34:00.000-07:00

"Okay," Sharon said meekly, kicking herself at the same time. She really hated herself when she didn't speak up for herself. "I just need to run to the dry cleaners to pick up an outfit."

"Do it now," Angela warned. "I don't want you late for this extremely inconvenient and frustrating experience."

Sharon drove to the dry cleaners, muttering to herself the whole ride. The man gave her the business suit she had dropped off a few days earlier. Right as she was paying, the hanger belt contraption that held all the dry cleaned clothing fell to the floor, blocking the doorway. The man who owned the dry cleaners tried to clear away the skirts and winter coats, but it was useless. A piece of metal was wedged tightly into the door frame, making it impossible to get out.

"What about a back entrance?" Sharon asked.

"That got sealed in the last dry cleaning hanger belt accident. We're trapped."

"I can't be trapped," Sharon explained. "I need to be at a work dinner at 8 o'clock tonight. And if I can't be at that, I need to be at home by 10 o'clock so I can trigger. We'll be out by then...right?"

But when the man called the police, he was told that it would be several days before they could help them out of the store since they were all acting on a bomb threat tip at a local office building. Or a gas leak. One or the other.

The man shared his bagged lunch and the two of them sat on the pile of once-cleaned clothes, eating lemon juice spritzed apple slices and talking about love. And life.

The End

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I Have to Trigger (fini)

2007-07-10T19:30:00.001-07:00

"I really can't tonight," Sharon said. "I have to be home for an injection."

"An injection," Angela said, visibly blanching. "That sounds..."

"It's nothing serious," Sharon added. "We're doing fertility treatments."

"Please, please, you can get out of the meeting. Just don't tell me about your dripping cervix or your uterine lining or anything disgusting like that. You can go home now if you want. Urggggg!"

Angela stumbled into the doorway in an effort to run out of the room. Sharon could hear her shuddering all the way down the hall.

Sharon paused for a moment, debating what to do. But the choice was simple. She turned off her computer and went home to dream about the baby she was going to make one day if she could just get a hold of the proper medications.

The End

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No (fini)

2007-07-10T19:28:00.001-07:00

"I really can't tonight," Sharon said.

"Then you should pack up your desk because if you can't go to this meeting, you don't have a job anymore."

Sharon paused for a moment, debating what to do. But the choice was simple. She threw a few items into an empty box, jumped into her car, drove home to examine the want ads, and dreamed about the baby she was going to make one day.

The End

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The Pharmacy Trip (fini)

2007-07-10T19:22:00.001-07:00

Sharon got to the pharmacy and stood in the long line until she was at the front.

"Sharon Barren. My RE just called in a prescription for ovidrel."

The pharmacist shook his head. "We haven't gotten any phone calls today."

"Are you freakin' kidding me?" Sharon fumed and stormed out of the pharmacy to go upstairs to the clinic.

As she feared, Frida, the terrible receptionist, was working the desk. Frida made her stand at the desk for a full fifteen minutes before she finally took a break from answering the phones and sipping her latte to give Sharon a raised eyebrow.

"Are you a new patient?"

"Frida, it's me. Sharon Barren. I was just here this morning."

"Uh huh," Frida yawned. "Dr. Knowall will see you in a few minutes. He's just running a little late."

"I don't have an appointment," Sharon pointed out. "I just need a new ovidrel prescription. My trigger shot didn't come in my meds box. I just called you a few minutes ago and you said you'd call it in downstairs. I went to the pharmacy and they said you never called."

"They're sort of liars downstairs." Frida sighed loudly. "Whatever. I'll get on it."

A few minutes later, she came out of the back offices with a slip of paper that she shoved across the counter.

Sharon left without thanking her and filled the prescription downstairs. There was still time to get to work, but Sharon said fuck it and went home to read trashy chicklit books and surf her favourite infertility blogs.

The End

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Return Phone Call (fini)

2007-07-10T19:18:00.000-07:00

Sharon dialed again but received a strange message saying the number had been disconnected. The message sounded like it had been recorded by Frida, the receptionist she had spoken to moments earlier. She decided to just drive down to the clinic and sort everything out in person.

As she feared, Frida was working the desk. Frida made her stand at the desk for a full fifteen minutes before she finally took a break from answering the phones and sipping her latte to give Sharon a raised eyebrow.

"Are you a new patient?"

"Frida, it's me. Sharon Barren. I was just here this morning."

"Uh huh," Frida yawned. "Dr. Knowall will see you in a few minutes. He's just running a little late."

"I don't have an appointment," Sharon pointed out. "I just need a new ovidrel prescription. My trigger shot didn't come in my meds box. I just called you a few minutes ago and you hung up before I could tell you my name."

"Sorry, but we can't write prescriptions today. The computers are down."

"You just told me on the phone that you would call it into the pharmacy," Sharon said, staring at Frida's computer screen which was clearly functional and showing a gossip website with a picture of a half-dressed Brad Pitt at the top of the screen.

Frida sighed loudly. "I'll get on it."

A few minutes later, she came out of the back offices with a slip of paper that she shoved across the counter.

Sharon left without thanking her and filled the prescription downstairs. There was still time to get to her office, but Sharon said fuck it and went home to read trashy chicklit books and surf her favourite infertility blogs.

The End

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Fuck It Indeed Again (fini)

2007-07-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

She started the engine and drove to her clinic. It was easier to show up in their lobby and beg for a new prescription than it was to call them on the phone.

Of course, Diane, the better receptionist, was out for the day. Instead Frida made her stand at the desk for a full fifteen minutes before she finally took a break from answering the phones and sipping her latte to give Sharon a raised eyebrow.

"Are you a new patient?"

"Frida, it's me. Sharon Barren. I was just here this morning."

"Uh huh," Frida yawned. "Dr. Knowall will see you in a few minutes. He's just running a little late."

"I don't have an appointment," Sharon pointed out. "I just need a new ovidrel prescription. My trigger shot didn't come in my meds box."

"Sorry, but we can't write prescriptions today. The computers are down."

"I just need you to phone it into the pharmacy," Sharon said, staring at Frida's computer screen which was clearly functional and showing a gossip website with a picture of a half-dressed Brad Pitt at the top of the screen.

Frida sighed loudly. "I'll get on it."

A few minutes later, she came out of the back offices with a slip of paper that she shoved across the counter.

Sharon left without thanking her and filled the prescription downstairs. There was still time to return to her office, but Sharon said fuck it and went home to read trashy chicklit books and surf her favourite infertility blogs.

The End

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Fuck It Indeed (fini)

2007-07-10T19:05:00.001-07:00

Sharon got back out of her car and immediately ran into Angela, her boss.

"You weren't thinking of leaving, were you? Because I have a wonderful opportunity for you," Angela said. "The people from Brewster's Hardware Emporium are coming in this afternoon. I want you to woo them tonight."

"Woo them?" Sharon asked blankly.

"With a pitch. With ideas. We're all going out to dinner at eight."

Her trigger shot was set for ten o'clock. She'd never be back in time and she still hadn't sorted out the fact that she didn't have the shot in hand. She really didn't want to trigger while at dinner.

"We're going to this fantastic restaurant that has no bathrooms or discreet places," her boss continued. "We'll probably be there until midnight. And I won't take no for an answer!"

"I really can't tonight," Sharon said.

"Then you should just get back in the car and drive home because if you can't go to this meeting, you don't have a job anymore."

Sharon paused for a moment, debating what to do. But the choice was simple. She jumped into her car, drove home to examine the want ads, and dreamed about the baby she was going to make one day.

The End

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Home Is Where the Heart Is (fini)

2007-07-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

At home, she began the long process of getting a live person on the phone at Successful Fertility Clinic. It took twelve minutes of waiting on hold while listening to xylophone music before she lucked out and got Diane, the better receptionist.

"Diane, my ovidrel shot is missing from my meds box. It wasn't sent. And I need one for tonight. Can you call it in to the pharmacy in the lobby and I'll come by to pick it up?"

"Sure, though we actually have a few free samples in the office. Do you want me to hold one at the desk and your husband can pick it up on his way home?"

"I love you, Diane," Sharon said.

She called her husband to tell him the new plan and then slipped under her blankets to read trashy chick lit until 10 o'clock that night when it was time for her trigger shot.

The End

Want to leave me a comment about your adventure and then take Sharon Barren on a new adventure? Click here.
Want to go read something else? Why? Didn't you like this post? Don't you think it's funny? Fine...go read something else. But you could still click here to return to the starting post and leave me a comment...

Errands (fini)

2007-07-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Sharon decided to stop off at the dry cleaners to pick up some of her husband's dress shirts and a pair of pants. Right as she was paying, the hanger belt contraption that held all the dry cleaned clothing fell to the floor, blocking the doorway. The man who owned the dry cleaners tried to clear away the skirts and winter coats, but it was useless. A piece of metal was wedged tightly into the door frame, making it impossible to get out.

"What about a back entrance?" Sharon asked.

"That got sealed in the last dry cleaning hanger belt accident. We're trapped."

"I can't be trapped," Sharon explained. "I need to get home by 10 o'clock tonight. We'll be out by then...right?"

But when the man called the police, he was told that it would be several days before they could help them out of the store since they were all acting on a bomb threat tip at a local office building. Or a gas leak. One or the other.

The man shared his bagged lunch and the two of them sat on the pile of once-cleaned clothes, eating lemon juice spritzed apple slices and talking about love. And life.

The End

Want to leave me a comment about your adventure and then take Sharon Barren on a new adventure? Click here.
Want to go read something else? Why? Didn't you like this post? Don't you think it's funny? Fine...go read something else. But you could still click here to return to the starting post and leave me a comment...

Convenient Deafness (level five)

2007-07-10T18:29:00.001-07:00

Sharon ducked into her office just in time to hear Angela tell a coworker that she could have the Brewster Hardware Emporium account since Sharon didn't hear her.

She didn't bother turning on her computer or checking her voice mail. She began the long process of getting a live person on the phone at Successful Fertility Clinic. It took twelve minutes of waiting on hold while listening to xylophone music before she lucked out and got Diane, the better receptionist.

"Diane, my ovidrel shot is missing from my meds box. It wasn't sent. And I need one for tonight. Can you call it in to the pharmacy in the lobby and I'll come by to pick it up?"

"Sure, though we actually have a few free samples in the office. Do you want me to hold one at the desk for you?"

"I love you, Diane," Sharon said. She slipped back out of her office and into the stairwell. Now that they saw her arrive, she could leave for a few minutes without anyone really noticing.

She went to the clinic and picked up the ovidrel from Diane, who was holding it at the front desk as promised. Sharon suppressed the urge to kiss Diane and pocketed the prefilled syringe.

"Thank you, thank you thank you," she told her, walking backwards out the clinic doors.

If Sharon returns to the office, click here.
If Sharon goes home, click here.

A New Assignment (level five)

2007-07-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

Sharon turned around to face Angela, her boss.

"I have a wonderful opportunity for you," Angela said. "The people from Brewster's Hardware Emporium are coming in this afternoon. I want you to woo them tonight."

"Woo them?" Sharon asked blankly.

"With a pitch. With ideas. We're all going out to dinner at eight."

Her trigger shot was set for ten o'clock. She'd never be back in time and she still hadn't sorted out the fact that she didn't have the shot in hand. She really didn't want to trigger while at dinner.

"We're going to this fantastic restaurant that has no bathrooms or discreet places," her boss continued. "We'll probably be there until midnight. And I won't take no for an answer!"

If Sharon explains about the trigger shot, click here.
If Sharon says no, click here.
If Sharon doesn't say anything and accepts the dinner meeting, click here.

Late to Work (level four)

2007-07-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

Sharon fumbled around on her bed to find the cordless phone. She called Theo, her boss's assistant and told him she'd be late.

Which meant that she was never coming in but required a subsequent call an hour later to tell him in an exasperated tone that she'd see him tomorrow. Why did she use this method instead of just calling in sick to work with one phone call? She really didn't know.

She dialed the Successful Fertility Clinic and sat on hold for several minutes, listening to the dulcet tones of a xylophone playing the clinic's theme music from their commercial. Finally, she got the receptionist on the line.

"How can I help you? Wait, can you hold for a moment?"

"I've been..."

The line returned to the xylophone music. Sharon spent the next interlude drawing squares on a scrap of notebook paper by the phone.

"How can I help you?"

"I'm supposed to trigger tonight and I went into my meds box and I noticed that I'm missing the ovidrel shot."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Sharon wasn't even sure if she was still speaking to someone.

"I need a new prescription," Sharon explained into the silence. "Hello?"

"I'll have Dr. Knowall call that in to Successful Pharmacy downstairs. Thank you."

The line went dead before Sharon could tell the receptionist her name.

If Sharon calls back, click here.
If Sharon sighs and drives to the pharmacy assuming things will sort themselves out when she gets there, click here.

Fuck It (level four)

2007-07-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

Where is that damn injection, Sharon thought to herself as she walked out to her car. She drove to work in silence.

When she got to her office building, everyone was milling around outside.

"What's happening?" Sharon asked Theo, her boss's assistant. He looked up from his palm pilot where he was playing a Mensa game.

"A bomb threat. Or a gas leak. Or maybe an earthquake. I think you're supposed to go outside if there's an earthquake."

"I thought you need to go into a doorway. Wait, there aren't earthquakes here. Can I go inside?"

"Nope, we were all told to be out of the building."

"But I..." What was she going to tell Theo? She needed to get on the phone so she could call every pharmacy in town and get another trigger shot before evening? Which meant getting in touch with her RE so she could get the new prescription? Which meant getting a hold of someone at Successful Fertility Clinic?

"Will you tell Angela that I had to go...do something?" Sharon tells him. He's already engrossed in his Mensa game, mumbling about the numbers he needs to plug into the puzzle.

Sharon got back in her car and sat there for a moment. If she missed her meeting, she was screwed. If she missed her trigger shot, she was screwed. It seemed like there was no way to win.

If you want Sharon to stay at work, click here.
If you want Sharon to drive to her clinic, click here.

Stairwell Hell (level four)

2007-07-10T18:04:00.001-07:00

Sharon gritted her teeth and opened the stairwell door; she might as well face her boss now rather than later. Her boss smiled at her as she passed and shook her head.

"Didn't you hear?" she said, putting her hand on Sharon's arm.

"Hear what?"

"The office closed. Barnett sent everyone home."

"Sent everyone home? Why?" Sharon asked, shifting her briefcase to her other hand.

"Something about a gas leak. Or asbestos. Or toxic waste. Something like that. Anyway, you can't go up to your desk so we've shifted all deadlines back. You're free for the rest of the day."

"Will the problem be gone tomorrow?" Sharon asked.

"Sure," her boss said, waving her hand as if a gas leak were a mere annoyance. "Maybe it was a bomb threat. Whatever it was, you're free. Go home. Read your trashy chick lit books."

Sharon went back to her car and drove home, feeling her body relax for the first time.

If you have Sharon stop to run some errands, click here.
If you have Sharon go back in the house, click here.

Elevator Hell (level four)

2007-07-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

Sharon jumped into the elevator. It was way too early and she was way too frazzled to deal with her boss. Before the doors could close, her pregnant co-worker, eight months along and still working waddled into the elevator.

"Hey, Sharon," she said, sighing while she rubbed her belly. "It sucks being pregnant."

"I can imagine," Sharon said curtly, trying to cut off the conversation before it could proceed.

"Do you have kids yet? Why don't you guys have any kids? You'd be such a great mum. I bet when you guys start trying, you'll get pregnant on the first try. You have really wide hips. Child bearing hips."

"Thank you," Sharon says because if she said anything else, she'd start to cry.

The elevator doors swung open and Sharon was almost to her desk when she heard her name being called behind her, "Sharon Barren, I need a word with you."

If Sharon stops to talk, click here.
If Sharon pretends not to hear and continues into her office, click here.

The Sounds of Silence (fini)

2007-07-10T17:51:00.001-07:00

"So freakin' annoying," she muttered to herself, flipping off the cd player. She drove to work in silence, only vaguely aware of the sound the other cars were making as they swerved around her. She was a terrible driver when she was preoccupied.

And she had been preoccupied all cycle. She was so frustrated that no matter how much Follistim her RE pumped into her poor ovaries, she still couldn't get the abundance of follicles that seemed to come so quickly for other women. Not only was she infertile, but she didn't seem to be particularly good at being infertile.

What she really wanted was one day where she didn't have to think about blood work or trigger shots or wandings or how many days it was until her beta or how many days it was until she ovulated. She was just done. She didn't qualify for the shared risk program so she didn't even know how they were going to take the chance with IVF. She didn't even know how she was going to do IVF if she never produced many follicles.

Screw this, she thought and swung the car into a U-turn at the first chance. She retraced her route and went back into her house where she crawled into bed and read trashy chick lit books all day. She forgot about her trigger shot, couldn't subsequently do the IUI, and ended up feeling frustrated for several more weeks to come.

The End

Want to leave me a comment about your adventure and then take Sharon Barren on a new adventure? Click here.
Want to go read something else? Why? Didn't you like this post? Don't you think it's funny? Fine...go read something else. But you could still click here to return to the starting post and leave me a comment...

Radio Silence (level four)

2007-07-10T17:50:00.001-07:00

"So freakin' annoying," she muttered to herself, flipping on a radio station. At that moment, the familiar eight note xylophone opening of a local commercial began.

"Are you childless?" a melodic woman's voice asked. "Desperate? Thinking about cutting your uterus out of your body because it doesn't work anyway? Then come to the caring hands of Successful Fertility Clinic and make our name, your name--by which we mean that you will become successful in fertility rather than sub-par, as you are now."

The commercial ended with a repetition of some xylophone notes and then continued into an advertisement for a child's play center where all the good mothers go. She flipped off the radio and continued the rest of the ride in silence, wondering whether or not she had her trigger shot at home. She would need to call the pharmacy when she got to the office.

When she got to work, she saw her boss through the staircase window.

If she ducks into the elevator instead, click here.
If she takes the stairs as normal, click here.

On the Road Again (level three)

2007-07-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

Sharon grabbed her keys and purse off the table, thankful that she had skipped the trip to Starbucks. She anxiously rubbed her temples to stave off the headache that was starting to form. She had a nagging feeling that she didn't have the trigger shot at home. She would have to take care of it when she got to work.

When she got into the car, she discovered the only cd she had in the car was scratched and kept skipping. "So freakin' annoying," she muttered to herself, flipping on a radio station. At that moment, the familiar eight note xylophone opening of a local commercial began.

"Are you childless?" a melodic woman's voice asked. "Desperate? Thinking about cutting your uterus out of your body because it doesn't work anyway? Then come to the caring hands of Successful Fertility Clinic and make our name, your name--by which we mean that you will become successful in fertility rather than sub-par, as you are now."

The commercial ended with a repetition of some xylophone notes and then continued into an advertisement for a child's play center where all the good mothers go. She flipped off the radio and continued the rest of the ride in silence.

When she got to work, she saw her boss through the staircase window.

If she ducks into the elevator instead, click here.
If she takes the stairs as normal, click here.

Where's the Trigger (level three)

2007-07-10T16:42:00.001-07:00

Sharon reached into her meds box and pulled out two alcohol swabs and placed them on the counter to remind herself to do the injection that night.

Sharon went to her collection of meds and sifted through the vials and pill jars, searching for the box that contained her usual Ovidrel injection. But the familiar blue and white box was missing. She stuck an arm deeper into the cardboard box where she kept all of her meds and her sharps container. It was really really missing.

She sat down on the toilet, reading over the list sent by the pharmacy. The trigger shot was listed as packaged and sent. Sharon racked her brain to remember whether she had seen it when she first opened the meds. She glanced at her watch--she was going to be late for work if she didn't leave immediately. She would have to deal with this during her lunch break. Instead of leaving, she started sifting through the box again.

If she says "fuck it" and leaves for work, click here.
If she gets stressed out and calls into work that she'll be in late, click here.

Baby Shower Hell (level three)

2007-07-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

"That's great," Sharon says, hugging her back. "When is your due date?"

"Oh, I don't know mumbo jumbo like that!" her friend exclaimed. "Due date? What are you--a doctor? I figure whenever the baby comes, great. Except if it comes when I'm supposed to be on vacation. That would just suck. Whatever--I'd just shove it back in and say, "uh...heeeeeello, who's in charge here? I'm the boss and I still need to finish off this wine-tasting tour. Then you can come. Right?"

"Um...I don't think you're supposed to drink wine when you're..."

But her friend was ignoring her, waving her still damp pee stick in the air and screaming, "my husband has super sperm!"

"You know, I really have to get to work, but I'd love...," Sharon began.

"To throw me a baby shower! Thank you! Oh thank you so much. I am so excited. I want only the most expensive things. Like a plasma television so I can show the baby videos all day that will make her super smart. And a new cuisinart so I can make good foods for myself to eat so I have the energy to give her to my husband for a diaper change. And a new wine cabinet so I can store all of my wine."

Sharon stumbled out of the Starbucks, still drinkless and continued on her way to work, anxious rubbing her temples to stave off the headache that was starting to form. She had a nagging feeling that she didn't have the trigger shot at home. She would have to take care of it when she got to work.

When she got to work, she saw her boss through the staircase window.

If she ducks into the elevator instead, click here.
If she takes the stairs as normal, click here.

All Hail the Super Sperm (level three)

2007-07-10T16:23:00.000-07:00

Sharon stared blankly into space and then proceeded to the counter to order her drink. Her friend continued to go on and on about how she hadn't even been trying and how her husband just has to look at her and she's pregnant. She doesn't even want a child when it comes down to it, but they make such great helpers for fetching things around the house that she would keep Petunia around.

Just as she was about to start into another round of serenading her husband's super sperm, she was accosted by a pack of angry infertile women who scalded her to death with flaming hot white chocolate mochas. Sharon stepped over the body and proceeded on her way to work since she now didn't have enough time to stop off at home.

Sharon had a nagging feeling that she didn't have the trigger shot at home. She would have to take care of it when she got to work. When she got into the car, she discovered the only cd she had in the car was scratched and kept skipping.

If you want Sharon to flip on the radio, click here.
If you want Sharon to drive in silence, click here.

Back at the House (level two)

2007-07-10T16:22:00.001-07:00

Sharon stepped into her house and was greeted by complete silence. Her husband had already left for work, but he had left a note on the table for her: call me and let me know how the appointment went. She called him while clicking through an online newspaper on the Internet.

"It went well. I still have 3 follicles, my E2 looked good and I'm triggering tonight...Fuck."

"Fuck? I thought that's what we wanted," Darren said.

"No, I'm reading the newspaper while we talk--sorry--and I just saw that a murder took place at the Starbucks where I was going to stop. A woman was crowing all about her pregnancy and how she wasn't even trying and a pack of infertile women scalded her to death with steaming hot white chocolate mochas."

"That's awful," Darren muttered. Sharon heard the sound of computer keys clicking in the background.

"Glad I didn't stop. But I have to go now."

If you swing by your box of meds to set up your trigger shot for tonight, click here.
If you head off to work so you won't be reamed a new asshole by your boss, click here.

In Starbucks (level two)

2007-07-10T16:21:00.001-07:00

As she stepped inside her local Starbucks, she was greeted by a screeching rendition of her name and felt two arms tightly close around her in an intense hug.

"I am so glad to bump into you! I'm pregnant!!! I just found out like two seconds ago. I peed on a stick in the Starbucks bathroom. I must be at least three months along. I realized this morning that I hadn't gotten my period in for-EH-ver so I ran down to the local CVS and bought a pregnancy test--so embarrassing--and just peed on it and it turned positive. So I am totally pregnant. I just hope it's a girl. I really don't want a boy--yuck. I want a little girl and I'm going to call her Petunia Rose Lily because I love, love, love flowers. Love them! I really want to hear what's up with YOU but I have to start looking for a nanny like...right now. Do you know any nannies?"

If she feigns deafness, click here
If she hugs her back and promises to throw the baby shower, click here.

Commentathons, Secret Ode Days, and Other Bloggy Loving

2007-06-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

Infertility and pregnancy loss are shitty no matter how you cut it. No one wants to be living in the Land of If. The beauty of the blogosphere is that you quickly discover that there are many more people living on this island and most understand what you're thinking and feeling. Those people are nodding their heads as they read your words. And if there is any silver lining at all, it's the community that has sprung up through the weeds.

Sometimes we forget how much other people need to hear how they make a difference in our lives. Therefore, massive Commentathons in the winter and summer can help spread the comments across the blogosphere and brighten someone else's day with some feedback. Great Cake Days create a virtual party across the world. Frequent Secret Ode Days are sprinkled over the calendar like happy love surprises (wait...that sounded all wrong...but I think you know what I mean). Though the Commentathons and Great Cake Days only happen at certain points in the year, the Secret Ode Days is an ongoing project. Read more about it below...

Secret Ode Days pop up randomly in the calendar. The essence of Secret Ode Day can be found in this story that appears at the beginning of the post: Growing up, neighbours down the street had a tradition where their family had a floating holiday. It popped up unexpectedly on the calendar (at least for their kids) and only the parents knew when it was going to fall. Every morning, all the kids in the neighbourhood woke up and went to the window to check the tree outside their house because they kicked off this floating holiday by decorating this huge tree with lollipops some time in the middle of the night and all the kids in the neighbourhood were invited to come harvest the lollipops. Every morning had the possibility of being the morning, and even though it was just a simple lollipop--the same candy we had in our own kitchen drawers--it just tasted sweeter because it came up so unexpectedly.

That's sort of the point of Secret Ode Days.

You know that people read your blog because you have a sitemeter or they leave comments. But sometimes we just need something that is like the sweetness of a lollipop too by receiving kind words about our writing or personality. With the exception of this first string of Secret Ode Days, they will pop up on my blog unexpectedly. If you miss one, you can always find it again via the Festivities icon on the sidebar where I will keep an archive of each Secret Ode Day post.

This project--which I intended to be a one-day love fest--has now been converted to something ongoing. So here are the most frequently asked questions with their answers:

Anyone can submit one.
You can write one about someone who has already had a paragraph written about their blog (there is no limit to how many odes can be written about a person).
All paragraphs are posted anonymously.
You can write about more than one blog (giving each a separate paragraph). If you're in a particularly loving mood, feel free to write ten of them!
You do not need to have a blog to submit one.
Whenever I have a critical mass, I will post a new Secret Ode Day entry. All entries are archived on this post (see below).
The beauty of Secret Ode Day is that just because your blog doesn't show up in the current post doesn't mean that there won't be a paragraph about it during the next post. And just because you appear in one post doesn't mean that you won't be mentioned in the next post too. It's just always a surprise--sort of like waking up in the morning and finding the trees decorated with lollipops.
If you have a submission, send it to thetowncriers@gmail.com. Be sure to include the url as well as the blogger's name if possible.
If you want to write one about me, create a fake email account to send it. All entries are kept anonymous from the blogger. So the only way to keep it anonymous from me is to make up a fake name and email account!

Wonder if anyone has written about your blog? Check the Secret Ode Archives by clicking on any of the hyperlinked entries below:

Ode 1
Ode 2

Commentathons are held twice a year in the summer and winter. Click up on any of the sign-up posts in the archive below to learn more about the Commentathon. Click on any of the master lists in the archive below to see the participants and points for that Commentathon.

Commentathon Archives:

Summer 2007 Sign-up Post
Summer 2007 Master List and Points

Great Cake Days: who doesn't love cake or a decadent dessert? Join in a virtual party that spans the globe by baking or buying a cake on the set date and posting a picture of the confection on your blog. Send me a link and I will compile a master list. Then, bloggers can jump from one cake post to another, learning recipes or just salivating over mounds of cupcake icing. Great Cake Days can be used to celebrate blogoversaries or holidays or happy occasions. Click on any link in the archives below to jump to a past Cake Day.

Cake Day Archives:

My Blogoversary Party 2007

Lyrics for Mother Earth's Flower Shop

2007-06-12T09:00:00.001-07:00

Mother Earth's Flower Shop

Down on Second Street
Just past the ice cream shop
There’s a special store
With a sunny yellow top
This is where Mother Earth
Sits and waits for hours
To help broken-hearted
Mommy and Daddy flowers

Some walk right past
And don’t notice this special store
But others are glad it’s there
Because there’s magic behind the door

We were sad flowers
Our heads bent towards the ground
We had been waiting so long
For you to come around
We went to this special shop
With our drooping heads
Mother Earth gave us a hug
And this is what she said:

Some just need extra soil and they will grow like weeds
Others I have to give donated flower seeds
Mother Earth can spin together petals in a dish
A daffodil and a daisy receive their sweet rose wish

Mother Earth’s Flower Shop
It’s a very special store
Mother Earth’s Flower Shop
There’s magic behind the door

There are many ways
To build a family
Many ways to have a child
And turn two into three
These flowers are unique
Those tended by Mother Earth
Because she had her hand
In all those flowers’ births

Mother Earth’s Flower Shop
It’s a very special store
Mother Earth’s Flower Shop
There’s magic behind the door

The flowers who come to her
There’s more than you’re aware of
They’re just looking for
A flower to take care of
She gives them special seeds
Or sometimes full-grown flowers
And brings together love
To live in sheltered bowers

My precious little bulbs that’s how you came to be
You made our garden grow into a flower family
Now that you know that you’re from Mother Earth’s special room
You know you were made with love so bloom and bloom and bloom

Questions for Waiting For Daisy

2007-06-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Each group wrote and received a set of questions to answer for their blog post about Waiting for Daisy. Here is the complete set of Waiting for Daisy questions broken down by group.

Group A answered by Group C

Orenstein struggles with the feeling that she "waited too long to start trying to conceive". How does this compare to your feelings about the timing of your journey to parenthood?

Peggy relied on a few things to comfort and give her a sense of security while pregnant or after miscarrying. Did you find that you also had a token, or good luck charm, or item you used to help you recover from loss or a failed cycle?

Which character exhibited more of your feelings/emotions/responses toward the infertility journey? Were you surprised by that reaction?

Very early in the book Peggy says something that every IF has thought at least once: “what do you do, think the first time you’re ready but your body says no?” Outside of when you got your infertility diagnosis (because that could have been many cycles in), how did you feel that FIRST time your body said no?

Peggy struggles through the book with questions of heritage, genes, and religion. How important is it for you and your partner to have a child that is biologically yours and why? What feelings go into that decision/choice for you right now if you are still trying to have a child ?

In a few places Peggy writes about conversations with Steven where they are trying to negotiate her obsession with getting pregnant. In the first conversation he says that she needs to care about something other than getting pregnant so that they can have a life and in the second conversation he says that he'll keep trying to get pregnant only if she stops caring about it. Do you find yourself negotiating your thoughts about infertility with your partner? Does he or she notice when you are retreating into the land of IF and if so, what, if any, strategies do you employ to help pull yourself back from the abyss?

This book was the first glimpse I've had at someone with spontaneous conception and recurrent miscarriages. As someone who has never had a BFP (even after an HCG shot), it was a chance to see what the love and loss cycle is. It made me realize: I've never thought of people like Peggy as infertile. We always here about how secondary infertility is the persona non grata of the infertile world, but I'm wondering if maybe it is women in the conception/miscarriage cycle that get short shrift?

On the bottom of page 62, Peggy muses that she thought Steven was getting her pregnant. If you’re undergoing treatments, who do you think gets the person pregnant? The owner of the other gametes (whether they’re your partner or donor sperm/egg)? The RE?

As the only "man-pie" in this round of the Book Tour, I feel obliged to ask a question regarding the role Peggy's husband Steven plays in her story. There are times when he says things to the effect of "Get over it," and expresses the wish to return their marriage from the uni-dimensional land of Infertility. It is cliche to say that infertility places strain on a marriage, but it was fascinating for me to observe this outside my own marriage in such detail and with such honesty. Did I ever tell my wife to "just roll with it"? No. (Although I am sure in the guise of "helping my wife heal" I said equally unhelpful things.) Did I wish she would just roll with it so we wouldn't be constantly reminded of our misery? Yes. Did I intellectually grasp why that was impossible? Yes, but I don't think I comprehended it on multiple levels until I read Waiting For Daisy. What was driven home to me was how for men and women, infertility is a parallel journey with many mutually exclusive experiences -- it all happens in her body, all very theoretical for me. My powers of empathy are great, but not limitless. I could go on with my own theories of what that leads to but I'm curious: How typical were Steven's responses to your own partner's? Can you ask him? (Apologies for the hetero-centric nature of the question.)

Group B answered by Group A

We have all had our own experience with infertility. Whether it was from IVF, IUI, miscarriages, or other forms we have all been there. How do you feel Peggy's story compares to yours?

Peggy talks about 'scheduling to have a baby,' making sure her life goals had been met and it was the right time to start her family. Now in hindsight do you yourself regret putting a timetable on when you would start your family? Would you have 'scheduled' your life differently?

One page 152, the author writes of considering her 3 miscarriages differently - as two miscarriages and one molar pregnancy. She explains that she does that because she doesn't blame herself for the molar pregnancy (caused by sperm abnormality) like she blames herself and feels guilty for the other miscarriages. In your fertility life, do you categorize different incidences like she does? In your heart, do you feel more or less guilty depending upon whose "fault" it was? Is that a way of coping?

In the epilogue, Orenstein struggles with what might be called the mythology of infertility: the messages and assumptions that it's all worth it in the end; that it's a matter of luck (the chapter's title is "Meditations on Luck"); that everything has worked out for the best; that adoption might be an emotional/spiritual cure for infertility; that some couples may be too quick to seek medical assistance; that she may have waited too long to begin trying to conceive; and, as another woman told her earlier in her journey, that "the pain goes away." Her husband warns her to not become a revisionist, but she acknowledges that becoming a mother has been a "surprisingly redemptive" experience and seems to not entirely reject the above messages. Describe how you feel about the presence of this mythology, both in Orenstein's epilogue and in your own life. How has it affected the way you tell your story, on your blog or elsewhere, and how you interpret others' stories? To what extent have you revised or even rewritten your own story of infertility? Is it inevitable, perhaps even necessary, to do so?

Were others as selfishly frustrated as I that what we all consider to be the universal "assvice" - "Go away on a romantic vacation and it will happen!" - turned out to solve Peggy's problem? Has this outcome put more pressure on other readers' non-treatment cycles?

When I read how if one had asked the author 10 years earlier, she would have said that she didn't even want children, I felt better. I guess deep down I always knew that I wanted children, but having had a severely mentally and physically handicapped sister, I was scared. It was comforting to read about another woman's ambivalence and feelings of guilt. When I found out that I was losing ovarian function I could not believe that there was a strong possibility that I would never have a biological child. That spurred in me a determination I had not had in many years. Have you ever felt ambivalence towards parenthood prior to receiving your diagnosis?

When you received your IF diagnosis, did you feel as if you were being punished or it was simply a case of dumb luck?

Orenstein’s friend, Larry, says on p. 47, “you can only feel the loss of something you’ve had.” Orenstein gives her thoughts on the matter on page 50. Do you agree with Larry or Peggy?

“I felt like the luckiest unlucky woman in the world” (p. 57). This quote really struck me. Do we naturally grasp for the silver lining in things? Do we always have to convince ourselves that something makes us lucky in order to keep going through the difficulties of life?

Group C answered by Group B

One element of this book that really struck me was the Japanese tradition of mourning miscarriages and abortions. Should we apply a similar grieving process to our inability to conceive? Would a formal acknowledgment of the loss of easy, or any, fertility help us emotionally? And, if so, what form should it take?

Near the end of the book, Orenstein is enjoying her happy time Daisy, while at the same time reminding herself at her husband's request, that the journey to get Daisy was not worth all of the heartache. On the other hand, you could also observe that Orenstein had a difficult journey to motherhood, but in the end, she succeeded, so how could it not be worth it? If you had been in Orenstein's position, what would you have done differently? Are there particular actions/choices of hers that you felt were "over the top?"

I was really touched by the visit to the Jizo garden for Peggy to honor the baby she lost. What ritual helped you in the healing process after you experienced a loss?

Peggy Orenstein says, 'The descent into the world of infertility is incremental. Those early steps seem innocuous, even quaint; IUI was hardly more complex than a turkey baster. You're not aware of how subtly alienated you become from your body, how inured to its medicalization. You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its ‘achievement’.” Does this accurately describe your experience? Would you say you have become alienated from your body while struggling with infertility?

On p. 233, Orenstein describes what infertility cost her: "Becoming a parent can't give me back the time ... obliterated by obsession. It doesn't compensate for the inattention to my career, for my self-inflicted torment, for trashing my marriage." How is your experience with infertility and the toll it has taken on your life similar or different from Orenstein's?

You can tell from the title of the book that the author eventually becomes a mom. How did this knowledge affect you as you read? Were you hoping for a certain outcome -- unassisted pregnancy, medical miracle, child through foster or adoption...or possibly even dreading a happy ending? To what degree does your own experience filter into the unfolding of Orenstein's experience?

Peggy Orenstein writes: "Swallowing that little white pill was the first time I did something I swore I wouldn't in order to get pregnant: I willingly put my health on the line." Do you believe you've put your health on the line by ingesting hormones, etc.? Is it a decision you'd make again for the chance to get pregnant? How far would you go? How strong has your primal urge been?

Peggy Orenstein writes: "You don't notice your motivation distorting, how conception rather than parenthood becomes the goal, how invested you become in its 'achievement.' Each decision to go a little further seems logical. More than that it begins to feel inevitable." In your pursuit for children, what has been the extent of the collateral damage? Have you risked your finances? Alienated your spouse or friends?

After you realized that you might not be able to have kids on your own, did you assume that based on all of the fertility clinic ads and success photo albums as Peggy writes, "science would relieve [your] pain?" And, if after an unsuccessful IVF you found that science did fail you, what were you left feeling about your next steps?

Peggy Orenstein writes that her first reaction to donor eggs was, "Using donor eggs was so Handmaid's Tale. Once again I thought, I'd never be that desperate for a child?" What was your initial reaction to the idea of donor eggs? Did your opinion change over time? If you were successful, would you tell your children that they were conceived using donor eggs? Why or why not?

Peggy Orenstein writes about the Buddhist being Jizo "who among other tasks watches over miscarried and aborted fetuses as well as dead children.” She also writes: "My own dilemma now was this: how could I memorialize someone who never really existed? Should I try to forget these babies, these nonbabies, that I'd lost? Could I, even if I wanted to?" Do you mull over similar questions? What is your thinking about it? A recent Globe and Mail piece talks about memorializing loss of children down to embryos--
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070526.wxunborn056/BNStory/specialScienceandHealth/home
Would your loss be made less difficult through this ritual not currently available to us?

For those who have suffered infertility and now have children:
Peggy Orenstein writes, "Sometimes [my friends] seemed to me like something out of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Who were these women and what had they done with my friends?" Have you embraced your new role as "mom" to such a degree that you're now unrecognizable to your friends who don't have children? If so, is it a conscious decision or did it just happen?

Book Tour: Waiting For Daisy by Peggy Orenstein

2007-06-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

I really liked this book. Orenstein is a great storyteller, and isn't afraid to cast herself in unflattering light. She's honest with her prejudices, quick to admit when she was wrong and doesn't attempt to reconcile paradoxes which cannot ever fully be resolved.

In the epilogue, Orenstein struggles with what might be called the mythology of infertility: the messages and assumptions that it's all worth it in the end; that it's a matter of luck (the chapter's title is "Meditations on Luck"); that everything has worked out for the best; that adoption might be an emotional/spiritual cure for infertility; that some couples may be too quick to seek medical assistance; that she may have waited too long to begin trying to conceive; and, as another woman told her earlier in her journey, that "the pain goes away." Her husband warns her to not become a revisionist, but she acknowledges that becoming a mother has been a "surprisingly redemptive" experience and seems to not entirely reject the above messages. Describe how you feel about the presence of this mythology, both in Orenstein's epilogue and in your own life. How has it affected the way you tell your story, on your blog or elsewhere, and how you interpret others' stories? To what extent have you revised or even rewritten your own story of infertility? Is it inevitable, perhaps even necessary, to do so?

Especially when the ending of an IF narrative is a child, it is hard not to wrap that narrative in a neat little bow and ignore the fact that it corresponds so well to our notions of explication, complication and resolution. We know too well that life isn’t always so neat. Orenstein knows that too and is suspicious of her own dramatic arc. I wouldn’t describe it as a mythology – because the experiences are real. It is whether or not we can ascribe some universal meaning outside of the specific experiences that give me, and I think Orenstein, pause. Her “redemption” may resonate with others who have similar experiences, but in the end it has meaning only for her. Our narrative – perhaps less dramatic, but equally redemptive in my humble opinion – gives our lives some coherence. We try not to revise it – but the vagaries of memory make revision impossible. And yet, in talking to others, I’m not sure there’s anything to learn from infertility that one can pass on to another, other than make them feel less alone in their travails. It sort of ends there. I wouldn’t hold up our happy ending as a reason to keep trucking, but I would share my disappointments and experiences with despair, not to diminish someone elses’, but to let them know that it is okay to feel what they’re feeling. Whatever other guilt they’re experiencing, they shouldn’t have to apologize for their pain.

Were others as selfishly frustrated as I that what we all consider to be the universal "assvice" - "Go away on a romantic vacation and it will happen!" - turned out to solve Peggy's problem? Has this outcome put more pressure on other readers' non-treatment cycles?

I don’t see it as bringing more pressure to our lives (Mel may disagree). I think it is sort of a deadpan punchline to a long joke. It is like the story of the boy who is humiliated at the circus as a small child when a clown squirts him in the face with water from his boutonnière. He plans his whole life around getting his revenge on the offending clown with elaborately orchestrated act of vengeance constantly percolating in his mind. He develops an acerbic wit, an arsenal of deadly put-downs, he has no friends because no one can tolerate the constant tongue lashings he administers, his wife leaves him, his children loathe him…so on and so on. Then one day he hears that the clown who so humiliated him is back in town with the circus. He buys a front row seat and when the clown approaches him to squirt water into his face from a flower in his boutonnière, he shouts, “Fuck you clown!” This is a much truncated version of this joke, for a fuller version click here.

Did he need to put his life through that ringer to get that result? No. The non-treatment cycles that result in living children are kind of the equivalent of that punch-line – without the psychotic bent of organizing your life around getting back at a clown. How can we ever make a child? After clomid, IUI, IVF, egg donation and cancelled adoption, the punch-line is: Fuck you clown. Not because it is funny. But because it is true. And it’s only true because it almost never is.

Orenstein's friend, Larry, says on p. 47, "you can only feel the loss of something you've had." Orenstein gives her thoughts on the matter on page 50. Do you agree with Larry or Peggy?

I agree with both of them. Larry focuses on the word “loss” and by giving that word its full weight. Larry decides he can’t truly lose it if he didn’t have it. It’s like asking a life-long vegetarian if they miss eating meat, or even better, asking a bird if they miss being a dinosaur. Peggy declares that Larry is wrong, but reframes the discussion from being about “loss” to “phantom longing.” Which is a very different thing. I can long for plenty that I’ve never had and never will have. I can even “long” for lost opportunities that never came my way – whether because I chose to focus on my career or because I wasn’t born into a community of Amish farmers. But it is not the same thing.

Lyrics for Uterninus's Law

2007-05-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

Uterninus’s Law

It’s running out of Ativan the day of the HSG
It’s erections every morning except when there needs to be
The box of meds that comes after the first injection takes place
It’s having to put on another brave face

CHORUS: You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

You start trying early so you don’t miss ovulation
You’re told you just need to relax on a good vacation
Starting early always means that you drop an egg late
Twelve straight days of sex only builds hate

CHORUS: You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

You’re anovulatory when you need to test progesterone
You’re never warned before they slip the wand in
It’s the pregnancy that occurs before the adoption is old
It’s having to listen to a hundred “told you so’s.”

CHORUS: You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

You know that second betas always fall on Fridays
You miss the call and wait for results until Monday
And the definition of being a model patient
Means cancellation or hyperstimulation

CHORUS: You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

You’re screwed no matter what you do ooh ooh ooh
So drink your coffee
Enjoy a glass of wine or two
It’s a bumpy walk
For some to pink and blue
When Uterninus’s Law jumps out at you

© 2007 Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters

Lyrics for Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE

2007-05-13T07:17:00.001-07:00

My Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE

Spoken: I don’t really have an Aunt Jane, but I thought that it was easier to assign all this assvice to a fictional character rather than to the real people who said these things to me.

Lying on that table
my feet in cold stirrups
I think about advice that Aunt Jane passes my way
She graduated Google med school
The rest comes from Grey’s Anatomy
But my Aunt Jane knows more than my RE

If I’d just go on vacation
Somewhere warm like Jamaica
I’d produce embryos that live for more than eight weeks
But our vacation money
Went towards drugs I inject into me
Still my Aunt Jane knows more than my RE

If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
I’d get pregnant

She says that I’m lucky
That I don’t have a baby
Trips with my husband and nights out with my friends
I can spend my money on Prada
Instead of diapers and binkies
That’s how Aunt Jane knows more than my RE

She asks if my husband
Really knows what he’s doing
Does he need a real man to finish up the job for him?
And do I prop up my hips
After he’s gone and done the deed?
More ideas from my Aunt Jane, my new RE

If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
I’d get pregnant

And have I thought of adoption?
Then I’m sure to get pregnant
It happened to a friend of a friend who now has two kids
Just trick my body with the paperwork
I don’t even have to bring home the baby
That Aunt Jane is smarter than my RE

But she just knows we’ll have children
Feels it deep in her bones
She tells me this will all be worth it in the end
And then I’ll be invited
Into the sisterhood of mommies
And become smarter than my RE

If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
If I’d just stop trying so hard
I'd get pregnant

© 2007 Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters

BBB Tour: The Time Traveller's Wife

2007-04-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

I am only an occasional blogger, almost exclusively for the purpose of these online book tours that Melissa arranges. At first, I think I was invited to participate because Mel was afraid there wouldn’t be very many people participating – and since we live together and are related by marriage I don’t have much choice. In truth, given the overwhelming response to these book tours, I am humbled that Mel still invites my participation. More than that I am psyched because I really dug this book. It has that perfect storm of commercial appeal, Henry is a great character, the kind of guy you’d love to have as a friend and he just so happens to mirror my own tastes in music. So guys can appreciate him. Plus it has all those emotions that go with a great love story thrown-in, so women have something in it for them too. I think Brad Pitt bought the film rights when he was married to Jennifer Anniston -- I think he won them in the divorce. It'll be interesting to see how they traverse that tension between chick-flick and sci-fi. With those preliminaries out of the way, let’s get to the questions…

3. On page 346, Henry says: "Seeing Clare with a baby in her arms, the reality of our miscarriages grabs me and for a moment I feel nauseous...The feeling retreats and I am left with the actuality of what we've been doing: we have been losing children. Where are they, these lost children, wandering, hovering around confused?" Have you ever had a similar experience, wherein you come to a sudden realization of the weight of infertility and/or pregnancy loss?

Uh yeah. I think this a very male reaction and it certainly was mine through a large chunk of our IF journey. On the path to parenthood, most things are abstractions for us guys. We don’t change with pregnancy. We’re remarkably out of touch with our own bodies (probably from childhoods filled with the refrain of “playing hurt”). Pregnancy is an abstraction until well-into the process – ask and I think most guys would say it didn’t feel real until they felt kicking. And some guys aren’t clued-into reality until they’re cutting an umbilical cord. So grasping pregnancy loss is an abstraction of an abstraction for guys. Henry’s realization is just the kind of ah-hah moment that can make pregnancy loss concrete for a guy.

5. How does Henry's time travel and/or Clare's experience with Henry's time travel serve as a metaphor for infertility?

I actually hadn’t thought of this while reading the book. I guess I thought of the IF as more of a clever plot twist that helps deepen the characters. However, now that you mention it, I guess IF is a kind of chrono-displacement: you’re constantly projecting yourselves into possible futures, branching outcomes, questioning cause and effect, wanting to know how it will turn out. And the there’s the waiting… boy. I’m dumb.

10. If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?

I was totally unprepared when the book took that turn. I have to admit, it was one of those exhilarating and terrifying moments that you can have while reading a novel – a moment when you go from reading a book to seeing your own experiences reflected back at you through the prism of fiction. Exhilarating, because those moments of connection are extremely rare, especially when its with people who don’t actually exist. And terrifying because it can bring up all sorts of emotions that were perhaps put on a shelf – say the reality of pregnancy loss (see above).

11. The book ends in 2053, when Claire is 82 years old. Prior to the ending, we are left in the year 2008. Were you satisfied with the ending of the story? What do you think happened to Alba, particularly with her time traveling? In those 45 years, do you think they found a "cure" to the "involuntary" aspect of the time traveling?

As Mama Rose says in Gyspy, “Always leave ‘em wanting more.” Alba deserves her own story, but Henry and Claire’s was done. To have written more would have been to overstay the author’s welcome. That said, my favorite novels always have you wondering what happens to the characters. They become like real people, and the realest thing about them is that we believe that they have a future beyond the pages we read. Oh, any chance there any IF themes in the novels of Jasper Fforde.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.

Questions for Book Tour Three

2007-04-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

Questions From Group A

Clare endures a lot trying to create a child. She keeps trying, regardless of the fact that she continuously miscarries, continuously wakes up covered in blood, and knows that her child could have the same “problem” as her husband. What drove her to continue down this road and why do you think Henry participated?

The present and future intersect frequently in the book. Often the result of these minglings is that information about the future is hinted at or revealed early but the actual experiences cannot be altered or prevented. If you could have known about the struggles you'd face on your path to parenthood, would you have wanted to know? Would you go back and warn or prepare yourself, even though you'd be powerless to change the outcome? Why or why not?

How do the characters deal with the sense of fate (knowing how the future plays out) vs. free will? Do you think they end up doing things because they already know they happen? Does that take the guesswork out or make it harder to accept?

Throughout the book, Claire deals with numerous losses (one that I found very moving is on pg. 361-362). Where do you find the strength to go on and keep trying and dealing with the infertility challenges that you are facing? Throughout out the book Claire uses several tactics to try to deal with infertility and loss. Of those, what stood out to you? Would you be able to use this in your own life?

How would knowing bits and pieces of your future have affected your decision- making processes? Even though most of Henry's actions seem 'unavoidable', some seem to have been engineered to occur (for example, how would Clare have recognized Henry in the library if she hadn't already met him and known his role in her life?). Would you have been more or less deliberative in your actions? What parts of your life would have been most impacted?

I love the references to music in this book. They are a convenient way for the author to clearly define the era the narrative is taking place in, but for those of us who can't time-travel, music and the times in which we listened to it play a powerful role in constructing memory. Which is to say, that it is almost impossible for me to think about our experience of infertility without thinking of “The Waters of March” as performed by Susanne McCorkle. Mel's written about this in the past. I also think about going with Mel to see Bruce Springsteen concert right when we started TTC and just being so certain that there was a child in-utero at the concert with us. There wasn't. Or not one that became a viable embryo. For that reason, I hardly ever listen to The Rising, which is the album Bruce was touring behind (The Seeger Sessions however is awesome and on regular rotation). That said, what are the songs you associate with your experience -- even if they have nothing to do with IF?

When Henry and Clare begin trying for a baby there is a passage where Henry tells the reader, "I am a coward. A better man would take Clare by the shoulders and say, Love, this is all a mistake, let us accept it and go on, and be happy." He knows the torture his future child may have to live with, but his love for her keeps him from saying this to her. When he realizes that Clare's recurrent miscarriages could eventually kill her he gets a vasectomy without telling her (only to come from another time and get her pregnant). Do you think Clare's love for Henry and her desire to have his child was clouding her better judgment as to what was best for the child and for herself? I know many of us on here will stop at nothing to have a biological child, but if you knew what life was like for the chrono-displaced would you have been more willing to look at other options?

Due to his ability to time travel and jumps into the future, Henry knows that he is going to die. Yet in the beginning, he works hard to try to create a baby with his wife. This situation obviously benefits Henry in that he gets to parent Alba for a bit before he dies. This situation also benefits Clare since she wants to be a mother. Yet Alba grows up without her father yet with his extraordinary abilities—abilities that were a difficult adjustment for Henry growing up. Do you think he acted in the best interests of his child when he helped create her knowing that he would not be around to help her understand her ability to time travel? Do you think it is truly possible to take the feelings of a child in mind prior to creation as well as fulfill your own need to parent? If you had been in Henry’s shoes, would you have created this child knowing she would be able to time travel and you would not be there to help her understand this anomaly?

Henry’s ability to time travel is both a blessing and a curse. What do you think Niffenegger was trying to say about human anomalies in general and how can Henry’s ability to time travel relate to medical conditions such as deafness or infertility?

Questions From Group B

Loss (and unrealized dreams) are a theme in this story -- Henry loses his mother, Clare loses Henry often and sometimes for long stretches, Clare's grandmother loses her brother and her husband, etc. At one point, her grandmother asks Clare, "do you ever miss him?" She replies, "every day, every minute. Every minute, yes that's the way, isn't it?" ... Self-pity floods me as though I've been injected with it. It's that way, isn't it? Isn't it?" How has your loss and/or unrealized dream changed you?

Henry suggests adoption (p337) and then says (p339) that he doesn't feel incomplete without a child of his own and that Clare is obsessed with having a baby. Did / do you ever feel that one of you wants a baby much more than the other and if so, how did you cope with it?

On page 346, Henry says: "Seeing Clare with a baby in her arms, the reality of our miscarriages grabs me and for a moment I feel nauseous...The feeling retreats and I am left with the actuality of what we've been doing: we have been losing children. Where are they, these lost children, wandering, hovering around confused?" Have you ever had a similar experience, wherein you come to a sudden realization of the weight of infertility and/or pregnancy loss?

Clare, desperate for a child, is told by a future Henry not to give up. She is told that in his present, they have a child. This absolute knowledge helps Clare maintain hope and move forward, despite considerable obstacles. In the absence of such absolute knowledge, what keeps you moving forward with treatment
through infertility? Where do you find your own inner strength?

How does Henry's time travel and/or Clare's experience with Henry's time travel serve as a metaphor for infertility?

I found it interesting that Clare conceived Alba, her 7th and ultimately successful pregnancy, with a Henry from the past, after Henry in the present day had a vasectomy. Why do you think that Niffenegger made it so that THIS pregnancy was the successful one?

If someone told you with certainty that you will have a baby sometime in the near future, like Clare was told, how would that affect you? Would it change your approach to cycling?

For Henry, time travel is a heavy burden; because of this, he is very reluctant to pass down his gene mutation to his offspring - particularly when it results in multiple miscarriages. Do you think Clare is being irresponsible in pushing to have a biological child that is both a part of she and Henry? Or is it more than being a parent in which she covets?

Before he died, Henry wrote Claire a letter telling her that he would see her again. While the knowledge clearly gave her comfort, it led her to spend the later part of her life waiting for him. Was it fair for Henry to give that information to Claire?

If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?

The book ends in 2053, when Claire is 82 years old. Prior to the ending, we are left in the year 2008. Were you satisfied with the ending of the story? What do you think happened to Alba, particularly with her time traveling? In those 45 years, do you think they found a "cure" to the "involuntary" aspect of the time traveling?

Questions From Group C

If you were able to communicate with a past or future version of yourself, how much would you tell them? How much would you want to know? Discuss how well you think Clare and Henry struck this balance, giving examples of points and ways in which they conveyed or withheld information.

There were several ways in which Clare and Henry's experience of infertility (and pregnancy after infertility) rang true - in their individual reactions, in their joint reaction as a couple, and in their interactions with the outside world. Choose one or two specific examples and relate them to your personal experience.

What are your thoughts on Henry's choice to win the lottery in order to provide for himself and Clare? Was it "predestined" since he'd already been to the future and knew that he'd done it at some point, or did he wrestle with the idea before doing so?

How did it change Henry and Claire's relationship in that Claire always knew she would marry Henry, but Henry had no knowledge of Claire until they meet when he was 28? Why did the author choose to have their meeting set up this way, when Henry could have told his younger self about how he would meet Claire?

What do you think Clare meant by saying that adopting would be “just pretending?” Do you think she is justified in her view, even though she continues to try and conceive knowing that the babies time travel out of the womb and die?

In the “TTW” the main character can at times, know what happens in the future, even though he can’t change it. In terms of infertility, I often wonder if I had been able to know what the end result of all this would be if I could be at peace with it, even if I couldn’t change it. How do you feel about that? If you could know what was going to happen sometime in the future in regards to your IF would you choose to know and not be able to change it, or continue the way you are and get to that place unaware of the final destination?

"My body wanted a baby. I felt empty and I wanted to be full. I wanted someone to love who would stay: stay and be there, always. And I wanted Henry to be in this child, so that when he was gone, he wouldn't be entirely gone, there would be a bit of him with me." For me, this quote encapsulates the incredibly complex and sad contradictions at the heart of the book. Henry is not truly there. It's his time travelling which leaves Claire alone and at the same time causes her to miscarry. Her longing for a piece of him can't be filled, as she can't hang on to his child. Putting aside the perception of a child as someone who gives eternal love, I am taken by this image of the child as a reflection of the father. How do you feel about this? If you have used or considered donor gametes, has this been an issue for you or your partner? The loss of a genetic line, the acceptance that the child may not be "a part of" the parent? Is the grieving worse for the partner who does not use their own eggs/sperm, or for the other parent, who doesn't get to hold onto a tiny piece of their partner? Or is the essence of a parent passed on regardless of the genetic link?

Why was Henry portrayed as wasting away at the end of his life? Was the
wasting away meant to represent something about his life?

If you were to travel to emotionally important events and even play different roles in these events, such as Henry did throughout the book, which event(s) would you revisit? These events could be ones you’d want to revisit, or not.

How To Make An International Blilt

2007-04-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

The Virtual Quilt Project is part of the Emoblopedia--the interactive anthology of the infertility and pregnancy loss experience. A virtual quilt--or a blilt--is a quilt of blogs: a weaving of diverse responses to a single experience. The squares are arranged with the words linked back to the author's blog. The blilt stands as a testament to the experience and the wide-range of responses to life-changing events. At the same time, it is a chance to connect with another person's story that may be similar to your own insofar as the emotions experienced. We encourage you to click on the squares that speak to your own personal response to the same situation and connect with that blogger through their story.

Sample Blilt:

The blilts are housed inside the Emoblopedia in the appropriate category, but they can also be accessed at the bottom of this post via the hyperlinked text. A blilt is never complete. If you have a personal reaction to the blilt, leave it in the comment section. At the same time, if you have a square that you wish to have included the next time we built a blilt for that particular situation, send along your words (all squares try to include anywhere between one and ten words) and the url of your blog or your email address (so future readers can contact you). If you do not wish to have your words linked to another site or email address, that is fine too. Just specify that you wish to donate your words alone to the project.

Current Blilt Under Construction
(click here to contribute and participate)

Past Blilts

Diagnostic Blilt
Diagnositic Blilt Unraveled
Waiting Blilt
Waiting Blilt Unraveled

Emoblopedia: Parenting After Infertility or Loss

2007-03-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

Congratulations and welcome to the parenting after infertility or loss page of the emoblopedia. If you are reading these entries, you've probably finally achieved parenthood. And, if you're anything like the other stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters in the universe, you are probably terrified and excited at the same time. You may have a touch of ambivalence about being a parent--especially during those early days. You may have been so focused on the adoption or the pregnancy that you never truly resolved your feelings about using your specific path to parenthood. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

Ambivalence about milestones

No entries yet

Postpartum depression

No entries yet

NICU experiences

No entries yet

Joy over holding your child for the first time

No entries yet

Feeling like a mother or a father for the first time

When I Look Into My Daughter's Eyes (from And Baby B Makes Three)

Emoblopedia: Pregnancy After Infertility or Loss

2007-03-15T09:35:00.001-07:00

Congratulations and welcome to the pregnancy after infertility or loss page of the emoblopedia. If you are reading these entries, you've probably finally achieved a long-awaited pregnancy. And, if you're anything like the other stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters in the universe, you are probably terrified and excited at the same time. You may have a touch of ambivalence about impeding parenthood. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

Seeing a heartbeat

Being released from the RE

Comedic Relief (from A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs, and Maybe Baby)

Fears during pregnancy

Aspen's Story (from The Williams Triplets)
Joy and Fear (from Princess Smartypants)
Fear, Shmear (from Princess Smartypants)

Doubts about being pregnant

No entries yet

Discovering that you're carrying multiples

No entries yet

Communicating with the OB after being accustomed to the RE

Nuchal Schmucal (from A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs, and Maybe Baby)

Moving to a high-risk specialist

No entries yet

Ambivalence about impeding parenthood

No entries yet

A child resolves childlessness, but it doesn't resolve infertility

The One With the Mixed Emotions (from Once More, With Feeling)

Emoblopedia: Living Child-Free

2007-03-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the choosing to live child-free page of the emoblopedia. While some people make the choice to live child-free prior to knowing their fertility status, the entries below are from men and women who chose living child-free as their path to resolving their infertility. In the interest of space and the fact that the emoblopedia is housed on an infertility and pregnancy loss blog, we only have entries representing this aspect of the child-free movement. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

Deciding to proceed with living child-free

No entries yet

Navigating life cycle events after deciding to live child-free

No entries yet

Emotions over stopping treatments or adoption

The Good Stuff (from Miss E's Musings)
Some More Musings (from Miss E's Musings)
First Comes Love... (from Miss E's Musings)

Snappy answers to intrusive questions

No entries yet

The moment you stopped feeling childless and started feeling child-free

No entries yet

Stopping treatments doesn't stop infertility

What Does It Feel Like to Be Someone's Worst Nightmare? (from Coming2Terms)

Child-free in poetry and literature

A Poem (from Miss E's Musings)
Little Infertile House (from Miss E's Musings)

Emoblopedia: Fertility Treatments

2007-03-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the fertility treatments page of the emoblopedia, a catch-all category for all medications and forms of assisted conception--from Clomid to IVF with ICSI. Some of the entries below are written by men and women who have just started fertility treatments. Other entries are written by those who are into their seventh IVF cycle. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

The first time you took Clomid

No entries yet

The dreaded HSG

New Kid With the Block (from Southern Comfortable)
The HSG (from Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies)
Is This a Sign? (from A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs, and Maybe Baby)

Laparoscopy

One-Tube Wonder (from Southern Comfortable)
Hello Diagnosis... (from Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies)

Fears about starting fertility treatments

The Road to Uncertainty (from Southern Infertility)

Excitement about starting fertility treatments

Optimism (from The Waiting Womb)

A mix of emotions about starting fertility treatments

Expectations, Hopes, Fears (from Southern Infertility)
Expensive Ambivalence (from For the Flavor)
Fashionably Late (from For the Flavor)

Deciding to proceed with IUI

Feeling Better (from Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies)

Deciding to proceed with IVF

I Should Add IVF to My Spellcheck (from Entrusted)

Choosing a new RE

No entries yet

Injection classes

Insert Straight Into Skin Until Needle Disappears (from TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP)

The first injection

What Is Fear? (from Looking for 2 Lines)

Emotions after a first failed cycle after starting treatments

Emotions after a first failed IVF cycle

No entries yet

GBLT experiences with clinics

No entries yet

Good interactions with the RE or clinic

No entries yet

Terrible interactions with the RE or clinic

The Bad Patient (from Princess Smartypants)
Presto! You're (not) Pregnant! (from Princess Smartypants)
Why My Clinic Irritates Me (from Southern Infertility)

Coming to terms with treatment not working

No entries yet

When enough is enough

A Decision (from Miss E's Musings)

Deciding to move on from treatment

Trying to Let Go (from Stranded on Infertility Island)

Hope management during a cycle

More on Hope Management (from Serenity Now!)

Going into another cycle after a failed cycle

FET Musings (from Serenity Now!)
Being Positive is Tough (from Serenity Now!)
Groundhog Day (from Somewhat Lower)
Another Failed Cycle (from Sean and Mary's Family)

OHSS

The IF Chronicles: OHSS #1 (from Southern Infertility)

Becoming a treatment veteran

Why (from When's It Gonna Be My Turn?)

Waiting to start treatments

Halfway There (from Our Own Creation)

Glucophage/Metformin

Not For the Faint of Heart or Delicate of Stomach (from Our Own Creation)

Treatment stories

It Could Have Been a Movie Scene [IUI] (from Entrusted)
My "Ras" Hurts [IUI] (from Reproductive Jeans)
You Asked, So I Will Answer [Multiple Treatments] (from Are We There Yet?)

Progesterone

My G-d, I Hate Progesterone (from Princess Smartypants)

Emoblopedia: General Infertility

2007-03-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the general infertility page of the emoblopedia, a catch-all category for the emotional journey of infertility. Some of the entries below are written by men and women who are already doing fertility treatments. Other entries are written by those who are newly diagnosed with infertility. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

Receiving a diagnosis

No entries yet

Family relations

Stealthy Blogging (from Looking for 2 Lines)
More Political Correctness? No Thanks... (from Coming2Terms)
Mothers and Daughters (from The Waiting Womb)
Fathers, Daughters, and TMI (from The Waiting Womb)
Open Season (from Miss E's Musings)
Ode to My Dad (from Princess Smartypants)
Donor (from TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP)
3 March 2007 (from TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP)

Coming out about infertility

On the Issues of Coming Out with My Parents (from Serenity Now!)
Coming Out (from The Waiting Womb)
Grandma Wisdom (from Infertile Fantasies)

Being outed as infertile by another person

He Knew Me When... (from Infertile Fantasies)
Missed Milestone (from ...As Good As It Gets?)

Taking a break

You Think You Know Me (from My Many Blessings)
The Big Break (from Serenity Now!)
Time Off is Good (from Southern Infertility)
Faking a Break (from Me the Bumblebee)
The Big Break (from Are We There Yet?)
Thoughts From a Tornado (from Are We There Yet?)

Marriage difficulties while trying to conceive

No entries yet

Marriage strengthening while conquering infertility

Infertility as a Marriage Strengthener (from Serenity Now!)
Being Thankful (from Serenity Now!)
In My Dreams (from Princess Smartypants)
Marriage Is... (from A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs, and Maybe Baby)

Depression and infertility

Passing Through Darkness (from Serenity Now!)
Confessions of a Lurker (from Somewhat Lower)
On Other People's Lives (from Looking for 2 Lines)
What Kind of Person Am I? (from Southern Infertility)
Sharing Secrets (from Southern Infertility)
How I'm Feeling (from When's It Gonna Be My Turn?)
Hauling Myself Out of This Hole (from Our Own Creation)
Tuesdays 9 P.M. (from TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP)

Friendships and infertility

A Confession About Newborns (from Coming2Terms)
The Last Woman Standing (from Somewhat Lower)
The Elephant in the Room (from Somewhat Lower)
Conversation Etiquette for Fertile Myrtles (from Coming2Terms)
Barrenness and Its Discontents (from Entrusted)
Caution, Long Post Ahead (from Hell and High Water)
More High Anxiety (from Stranded on Infertility Island)
Varying Degrees (from A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs, and Maybe Baby)

Need a good laugh?

The Question, Revisited (from Somewhat Lower)
Shuffling Through the Wait (from For the Flavor)
Somewhere, An Interior Decorator Is Laughing Really Hard (from Our Own Creation)
Mutiny (from Entrusted)
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle (from Princess Smartypants)
I'm Too Sexy For This Infertility (from Princess Smartypants)
Evolution of an Infertile (from Princess Smartypants)

Need a good cry?

It's My Cave (from Journeywoman)

Emotions after a BFN (big fat negative)

Trying...and Not Succeeding (from Serenity Now!)
It is Definitely NOT Warm Out (from Looking for 2 Lines)
Gloomy Tuesday (from Southern Infertility)
Yesterday (from Flutter of Hope)
Hate, Loathe, etc. (from Flutter of Hope)
All Too Familiar Sight (from The Waiting Womb)
IVF&M (from Infertile Fantasies)
I Wonder What It's Like (from Kir's Corner)

Acceptance and peace during infertility

I'm Feeling Good. And Ready. Really (from Serenity Now!)

Hope and infertility

On Changes (from Serenity Now!)
Taking Stock (from Serenity Now!)
The Other Side Effects (from Somewhat Lower)
Transfer (from Somewhat Lower)
Cautious Optimism (from Flutter of Hope)
Cautious Optimism--Part Two (from Flutter of Hope)
Listen Now, to the Gentle Whispers of Hope (from Me the Bumblebee)
Feeling Optimistic (from Third Time Lucky?)
Huge Hope (from My Journey Towards My Little Miracle)
Kazakhstan (from Infertile Fantasies)
Better Than Good (from Infertile Fantasies)
Hope (from Seed Dispersal Mechanisms)

Infertility: a dirty little secret

My Secret (from Serenity Now!)
The Question (from Somewhat Lower)
The Girl Next to Me (from Infertile Fantasies)

Thinking about changing paths to parenthood

On Quitting: Part Two (from Serenity Now!)

Pregnancy announcements and baby showers

Surviving...Intact? (from Serenity Now!)
I Was Never the Jealous Type (from Looking for 2 Lines)
Green Monster (from Looking for 2 Lines)
Envious (from Flutter of Hope)
Pity Party For One (from The Waiting Womb)
New Arrival (from Miss E's Musings)
New Arrival, Part Two (from Miss E's Musings)
You Down With OPP? (from For the Flavor)
Other Peoples' Pregnancies (from Third Time Lucky)
The Co-ed Baby Shower Extravaganza (from Stranded on Infertility Island)
Sock It To Me (from Stranded on Infertility Island)

Thinking through choices

20 Questions (from Flutter of Hope)
Gambling (from Miss E's Musings)
Letting Go (from Miss E's Musings)
Horoscopes (from Seed Dispersal Mechanisms)
Panel Night (from Are We There Yet?)

A day in the life of an infertile woman

Hello to Everyone I Missed (from When's It Gonna Be My Turn?)
Anatomy of a Cycle (from The Waiting Womb)
Strike That Last Post (from Miss E's Musings)
A Day in the Life (from Princess Smartypants)
Writing From Where I'm At (from Kir's Corner)
Put Me in Coach (from Excuse Me...I'd Like a Refund on These Ovaries)

How infertility changes you

Little By Little... (from Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies)
My, Myself and I(nfertility) (from Princess Smartypants)
Careful, That Infertility Stuff Can Kill Ya (from Kir's Corner)
Test Me (from Curves With Attitude)
Step Away From the Bee (from Me the Bumblebee)
Will the Real Me Please Step Forward (from Stranded on Infertility Island)

Anger and infertility

Frustration and Undirected Anger (from Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies)

Time and infertility

Timing (from Third Time Lucky?)
Woe-fullness (from Stranded on Infertility Island)
13 Degrees and Windy (from TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP)

Finances and infertility

Lifestyle changes for infertility

Food and Family (from The I Word)

The ups and downs of the two week wait

Counting Down and Cracking Up (from Princess Smartypants)
Two Weeks' Wait (from Infertile Fantasies)

Thoughtless comments and other assvice

So When Are You Going to Have Kids (from The I Word)

Emoblopedia: Secondary Infertility

2007-03-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the secondary infertility page of the emoblopedia. Some of the entries below are written by men and women who experienced primary infertility and are now going back to complete their family with more fertility treatments. Other entries are written by those who conceived their first child with relative ease but have since been diagnosed with infertility. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

How to come to terms with your new-found fertility-status

Rant (from Max's Mommy)
Secondary Infertility (from Max's Mommy)

What to tell existing children

No entries yet

How to balance secondary infertility with parenting

How Big Is Your Baggage (from My Many Blessings)

Friendships and secondary infertility

And It Rears Its Ugly Head Again (from Healing Arts)

Emotions and secondary infertility

Fever (from Max's Mommy)
Chatter of the Fertiles (from Max's Mommy)

Emoblopedia: Third Party Reproduction

2007-03-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the third party reproduction page of the emoblopedia. This section is written by men and women who have chosen donor egg/insemination or surrogacy as their path to parenthood. Some are also the product of third party reproduction themselves, but in the interest of space and the fact that the emoblopedia is housed on a blog about infertility and pregnancy loss, we have chosen to include only entries written from either those contemplating or actively utilizing this aspect of assisted conception as well as people who are parents after utilizing donor egg/insemination or surrogacy. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

Deciding to proceed with a donor or surrogate

No entries yet

Emotions surrounding the donor or surrogate experience

No entries yet

Emoblopedia: Adoption

2007-03-15T07:46:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the adoption page of the emoblopedia. This section is written by men and women who have chosen adoption as their path to parenthood. Some are also adoptees themselves, but in the interest of space and the fact that the emoblopedia is housed on a blog about infertility and pregnancy loss, we have chosen to include only entries written from either those contemplating or actively adopting as well as adoptive parents. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

Deciding to proceed with a domestic adoption

No entries yet

Deciding to proceed with foster-to-adopt

Tears and Fears (from Are We There Yet?)

Deciding to proceed with international adoption

No entries yet

Getting through the homestudy

No entries yet

Matching with an expectant mother

No entries yet

Birthmothers and children

No entries yet

When adoption plans change (terminating a match)

D Day (from They Grow in Your Heart)

The emotions of a broken match

Feeling Good (from They Grow in Your Heart)

The first day feeling at peace again after a broken match

I'm a Happy Girl (from They Grow in Your Heart)

Long periods of waiting

Homesick (from They Grow in Your Heart)
Becoming Real (from Journeywoman)
Oh Well (from Hell and High Water)
Adoption Reflections (from Stranded on Infertility Island)

The first time meeting your child

No entries yet

Expecting

Expecting (from Stranded on Infertility Island)

Emoblopedia: Pregnancy Loss, Stillbirth, and Neonatal Death

2007-03-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

We want to start out by expressing our sympathies--you are possibly searching this section of the emoblopedia because you fear that you are miscarrying or you have already suffered a loss. We hope that you find reading these blog entries helpful and they bring you a modicum of emotional comfort. They may help you find words to express how you are feeling or show you the light at the end of the tunnel. If you have your own blog and would like to contribute to the emoblopedia, submit all links to entries to Melissa at thetowncriers@gmail.com.

Coming to a place of peace with loss

Upcoming Terraversary Next Week (from My Many Blessings)
Acceptance (from Healing Arts)

Learning that a pregnancy may not be viable

Learning that you are having a miscarriage

Candle in the Hurricane (from To Be Determined)

Remembering Terraversaries

I Made It Through My EDD - And I'm Really Okay (from My Many Blessings)
Happy Birthday (from Well, Now That We're Here...)
My Terraversary (from The Uterine Grail)

The first day you felt good after a loss

A New Version of the Old Me (from My Many Blessings)

Loss and the affect on family

Daddy (from Healing Arts)

Coming out about loss(es)

Publicly Acknowledging My Pregnancy Losses (from My Many Blessings)

When is enough enough?

Beginnings and Endings (from Healing Arts)

Coming to terms with recurrent loss

Am I Too Cynical... (from A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs, and Maybe Baby)

Making the decision to proceed with multifetal pregnancy reduction

No entries yet

Making the decision to proceed with a medical termination

Untitled (from Max's Mommy)

Discovering that you have an ectopic pregnancy

It Just Keeps Getting Better (from The Waiting Womb)

Discovering that you have a molar pregnancy

No entries yet

The roller coaster of emotions

Memories (from My Journey Towards My Little Miracle)
Better Than Nothing (from Infertile Fantasies)

Past Months at the Virtual Lushary

2007-03-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

Though my virtual bar is always open and I'm ready with a drink and a sympathetic ear, every month, we run a virtual drunkfest where you are welcome to come drink imaginary drinks at the open bar (which only accepts imaginary currency) and hiccup out the story of what is going on in your life. It's a way for people to get to know you and your blog as well as a way for you to find people with a similar story. Because what screams community more than an open bar?

If you just found the bar, you can click below to jump to any of the past drinkfests and read the stories of other bar patrons. Welcome--we hope you find the conversations comforting, the music rockin', and, of course, the drinks ever-flowing.

January 2007

February 2007

March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007 (coming soon)

Children of Men

2007-03-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

Intrigued by this book tour and want to read more about Children of Men? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at Stirrup Queens (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #3 ( The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger) and all are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.

1. In describing the world's "universal bereavement" over it's lack of children, the narrator tells us, "Only on tape and records to we now hear the voices of children, only on film or on television programmes do we see the bright, moving images of the young. Some find them unbearable to watch but most feed on them as they might a drug." How is this like your life dealing with infertility? How do you cope when you are confronted with images or reminders that are painful to you?

For me this was very much like dealing with life during IF. For starters the building I work in has a pre-school and at various times I would find myself irresistibly drawn there to "help out." At other times, just happening across the kids on their way to one activity or another would wreck me. No telling which it would be. I think the more interesting literary point throughout the book is what children represent -- even if their reality (the Omegas) may be quite different. In a weird coincidence I just read The Sweet Hereafter by Russell Banks about a town that experiences a horrific school bus accident and the consequences that follow. There is a line where a character muses about how a town can't live without its children -- but the line may be ironic, because, life for the town goes on nonetheless. Children are the vessels into which we pour so many hopes, some realistic and some of which are pipe dreams. But we can't live without hope can we? Even in-spite of our better judgment.

20. If the world that's described in the novel were to somehow become a reality, how would you live your life, knowing that there will be no future generations to carry humanity forward? What would you do differently, if at all?

I'd like to think I wouldn't do too much differently. It reminds me of those existentialist dramas like Camus' Caligula where the playwright tries to make the case that even when one realizes that life is meaningless it is necessary to resist cruel and unethical behavior. It is a difficult concept to wrap the brain around because how can behavior be ethical or unethical if being has no meaning? However, I'd probably do things that are a bit selfish and self-destructive -- smoke more, sleep less, drink like I was still in college and eat fried foods.

9. What are your thoughts on the scene with the lady pushing her pretend child or doll? What do you think about the response of the people who react to her?

I know a lot of people hate this scene and James' one-dimensional portrayal of childless women in-general. And I agree with much of the criticism. However, the one valid thing I believe was in these descriptions is my belief that for many people (not just women) the urge to nurture is irrepressible and will find an outlet in one way or another. What was more insightful to me was Theo's judgment of these women as a comment on his own empathic shortcomings.

4. Do you think this was based on James' own experiences with infertility? Also, what did you think of the fact that Julian was a religious person and became pregnant. Is religion her solution, as it were, to infertility? Which is probably two questions...

Not sure, but would be curious to find out. Writing the novel from the point of view of a male protagonist makes me think that if she did go through IF, that she's not put much of that experience in the novel. The second part sent me googling PD James and religion which revealed that she is a very religious person and says that it helps her deal with every aspect of her life. Does that mean she advocates membership in the Church of England (to which she belongs) as a cure for IF? I doubt it. Does it mean that she is a writer interested in faith and its real-world repercussions? Definitely.

3. One of the story's responses to mass infertility was that couples stopped having sex since there didn't seem to be any point in it. How has IF affected your sex life with your partner? Did you have different experiences at different times along the way?

The best summary of married sex life during IF comes from a wonderful writer named Marjorie Ingall (the Jewish Forward's East Village Mamele) who aptly coined the quest for her first child, "The Bataan Sex March." Nuf sed.

Past Book Tours

2007-02-27T19:34:00.000-08:00

It seemed like a good idea to compile all the old book tour posts into a single post so that people could find the lists and questions and participants of all the old book tours in one place. The book icon is always linked to the most current post. Interested in which books are chosen for upcoming book tours? Want to join along? The list of future book tours can be found on my sidebar near the book icon (hint: scroll down).

Help Registry: Mandy & Andrew

2007-02-02T11:38:00.000-08:00

Name: Mandy & Andrew

Food

No allergies, but it’s probably best to avoid eggs for Mandy (by themselves, blended in a recipe like cake or bread is totally fine), and Andrew isn’t all that fond of mushrooms, olives or avocados.

Homemade food we love:
1. Pasta- mac and cheese, spaghetti, etc.
2. Breads
3. Cookies, especially with chocolate and/or peanut butter

Restaurant orders:
There aren’t many restaurants close to us (yet) so delivery is pretty limited. These are based on what is available close by.
1. Fast-food cheeseburgers and fries from pretty much anywhere.
2. Pizza. Dominoes (972-292-2228) and Mr. Jims (940-365-7500) are close and both deliver to us. Mandy likes cheese, mushrooms, pepperoni and hamburger and Andrew likes lots of meat.
3. Subway (940-365-2773). Mandy: Monterrey Cheddar bread, chicken breast, shredded cheese, lettuce, pickles, Ranch dressing, vinegar, toasted. Andrew: Italian BMT on Italian Herb bread, lettuce, onions, tomatoes, salt/pepper, oil, mayo.

Tasks

N Walking the dog/Tending to the cat's whims (We’ve got the pets covered)

N Picking up dry cleaning or other pick-up errands

Y Food shopping excursion (Give us a call or an email and we can provide a list. We aren’t very particular about brands or stores. Please give us the receipts so we can reimburse you when you drop off any groceries.)

N Babysitting

Y Random weekly errands (Call or email us about this one and we’ll let you know if we have anything that is urgent .)

N Cleaning (Just don’t wear white gloves when you come over next. Or look at the sink.)

Visitors

In general, we love visitors- just make sure to give us a heads-up call (so that we can make sure the litter boxes are clean and that there is toilet paper in the guest bathroom). In times of mourning, we work best alone at first. We love and appreciate your care and concern and welcome emails and phone calls, although we might not be able to return them. Just knowing that you are thinking of us means the world to us.

Help Registry: Serenity

2007-01-31T11:20:00.000-08:00

2

Name: Serenity

Thank you SO much for your offer of help. Below are some simple things you can do to help us during this time period. When in doubt, ask—we don't mind questions, but we're not fond of surprises when our world is already turned upside down. We really appreciate the thought—it means just as much to have a visitor or a daily email as it does to have food delivered. Choose whatever you would like off this wish list.

Food

Special restrictions: not many. You already probably know this, but Serenity hates cooked carrots and cooked salmon. Otherwise we're equal opportunity eaters and have no food allergies that we're aware of.

Homemade food we love:
1. Simple pasta and tomato sauce or meat sauce
2. Cookies or simple breads made without nuts

Restaurant orders:
1. DeLeo's pizza (978-372-4468): Any of the following: New York, Bianco with mushrooms, or regular pizza with mushrooms. Does not deliver.

2. Peking Garden (978-373-6047): For Serenity: Amazing Chicken and white rice
For J: either of the following: Moo-shi Pork or Chicken with Broccoli. Loves pork fried rice instead of white. The restaurant delivers.

3. Pizzeria Uno Chicago Grill (978-556-9595): For Serenity: any of the following: veggie soup, Chopstick salad (No walnuts, dressing on the side), BBQ chicken flatbread pizza, Grilled Simple Chicken (steamed veggies on the side). For J: deep dish Numero Uno, Uno Burger (cooked medium rare, with American or cheddar cheese and bacon), or Cobb Salad. Does not deliver.

4. Not Your Average Joe's (978-974-0015): For Serenity: vegetable spring roll & large Not Your Average House Salad with either steak (cooked medium) or chicken (dressing on the side please). For J: any of the following: Chicken Carbonara, Chicken Oscar, or Grilled Meatloaf
Does not deliver.

If you're coming from the Boston area, we also adore Anna's Taqueria – a regular chicken burrito for Serenity, with pico de gallo and hot sauce, and a super chicken with everything for J.

Tasks

Y Picking up dry cleaning or other pick-up errands (contact Serenity via email or call us at home in order to find out if we have any needs at this time).

Y Food shopping excursion (contact Serenity via email or call us in order to get our list; we'll be as specific as possible. Please give us the receipts so we can reimburse you when you drop off the groceries).

Y Cleaning (light cleaning—vacuuming, folding laundry, and washing floors is always appreciated.)

Visitors

We love receiving daily emails—they're a low-key way to help us stay connected when we're in the midst of a crisis. We're not always up for visitors or able to return phone calls; so if you could call us or email us before you drop by, we'd appreciate it. And please don't be offended if we tell you we're not up for visitors; we promise it's nothing personal. We just need some time to ourselves for a short while.

Help Registry: Melissa

2007-01-29T23:23:00.001-08:00

1

Name: Melissa

First and foremost, thank you for offering to help. Below are some simple things you can do to help us during this time period. When in doubt, ask—we don’t mind questions, but we’re not fond of surprises when our world is already turned upside down. We really appreciate the thought—it means just as much to have a visitor or a daily email as it does to have food delivered. Choose whatever you would like off this wish list.

Food

Special restrictions: We keep a kosher home. I’m allergic to peaches, mangoes, and green peppers. Josh doesn't eat coconut. Our son drinks only soy milk (though he eats other dairy). Our daughter is allergic to cinnamon. Neither child eats any chemicals, tree nuts, peanuts, or chocolate.

Homemade food we love:

1. Simple pasta and tomato sauce

2. Muffins or quick breads

(please list ingredients on any homemade food so we know if it has any high-allergens in it)

Restaurant orders:

1. Nam Viet (202-237-1015): Sup Chay (no mushrooms or cauliflower or green peppers. Extra tofu and noodles). Does not deliver.

2. Saigonese (301-946-8002): any of the following: Vegetarian Egg Noodle Soup (with rice vermicelli instead of egg noodles; no mushrooms, green peppers or raw onions; extra noodles and tofu), Shredded Tofu with Vermicelli (no fish sauce); Charcoal Grilled Tofu. Does not deliver.

3. Tara Thai (301-657-0488): Pad Thai Jae (no mushrooms or cauliflower; no fish sauce; extra tofu). Does not deliver.

4. Cheesecake Factory (301-770-0999): any of the following: Avocado Eggrolls, Fire-roasted Artichoke, Chinese Chicken Salad (without the chicken), Barbeque Ranch Chicken Salad (without the chicken), Luau Salad (without the chicken or mangoes). Does not deliver.

Tasks

Y Picking up dry cleaning or other pick-up errands (contact Melissa via email or call us at home in order to find out if we have any needs at this time).

Y Food shopping excursion (contact Melissa via email or call us at home in order to get our list. We’re pretty particular about brand so we’ll be as specific as possible with the list. Please give us the receipts so we can reimburse you when you drop off the groceries).

N Babysitting (while we don’t need babysitting, we sometimes need someone to accompany us when we go out as an extra set of hands or to play with the kids in the house while we’re home).

Y Random weekly errands (these are the things that pop up out of nowhere but need to be taken care of immediately. Contact Melissa via email or call us at home to find out if we have anything pressing that needs to get done—there’s usually a library trip!).

Y Cleaning (light cleaning—vacuuming, folding laundry, and washing floors is always appreciated. Because we have a kosher kitchen, it’s easier if we take care of cleaning our kitchen ourselves rather than explaining the system).

Thanks, but we definitely have these things covered…

1. Food for the kids—they’re so particular and we’re nervous about food allergens, so we like to make everything they eat.

Visitors

We love receiving daily emails—they’re a low-key way to help us stay connected when we’re in the midst of a crisis. We’re not always up for visitors or able to return phone calls. Call or email and ask before dropping over (and please don’t be offended if we tell you that we’re not up for visitors—our moods change from hour to hour also depending on the kids’ schedule). We’re pretty cautious in the early days after kids are brought home, so if we’re in the middle of caring for a new child (even an older child who is adopted), we probably will not want visitors (sorry—we’ll email pictures, we promise!).

Help Registry Worksheet

2007-01-29T09:10:00.000-08:00

This worksheet is here to jog your mind. Everyone should tailor their page to fit their own personal needs. I left three spaces under most headings, but add or subtract in order to create the amount of spaces you need. The more you can list, the better. But like a gift registry, don’t make it so huge that important things fall through the cracks. Mark the most important things with an asterisk and I will let those who are looking at your help page know that those are the most important ones. List any specific instructions—the more specific you can get the better. Include recipes you would love to have made for you. Give phone numbers of restaurants. Do not include any personal information--the people using this list should know how to reach you (therefore, simply tell them which method of communication is best--but do not list your actual phone number). Truly—let this help registry worksheet simply be a guide but make it unique to your own needs. And don’t be shy—people want to help so let them!

Name (can be a nickname or your real name or even a made-up name—it’s the name that will appear as the heading that you’ll give people to find you on the list):

Food

Special restrictions (food allergies or aversions as well as kashrut or hallal):

Homemade food we love:

1.

2.

3.

Restaurant orders (give the name and the specific order, including any changes you make to the dish when you are doing your own ordering. You can even provide a link if the restaurant has a webpage in order to make it easier for a potential helper who lives far away and doesn’t know the area. Indicate if the restaurant delivers or if the person will need to pick up the food themselves and deliver it):

1.

2.

3.

Recipes we’d love you to make for us (include recipes):

1.

2.

3.

Seasonal foods we often crave:

Fall:

Winter:

Spring:

Summer:

Tasks

Underline (Y) or (N) if you would like someone to do these tasks for you. Provide specific instructions in the space including how they should get your shopping list, dry cleaner info, picking up the dogs, etc.

Y or N Walking the dogs

Y or N Picking up dry cleaning or other pick-up errands

Y or N Food shopping excursion

Y or N Babysitting

Y or N Random weekly errands (the things that pop up out of nowhere but need to

be taken care of immediately)

Y or N Cleaning

Y or N ? (Fill in other tasks that are part of your world)

Thanks, but we definitely have these things covered…

1.

2.

3.

Visitors

List your feelings on visitors in different situations (after a birth or an adoption, you may not want visitors in all of the chaos or you may desperately want company or an extra set of hands. During a period of mourning, you may want to be alone or you may want to be surrounded by friends. Write a brief explanation of how you feel about visitors in different situations). Also include in this space if you wish to receive daily emails or phone calls. Be specific.

*This worksheet may change from time to time to reflect additions or subtractions people have suggested while utilizing it.

A Cool Idea

2007-01-24T11:58:00.000-08:00

From Sarah and Amy:

We’re trying to spread the word of infertility and get our issues publicly noticed. Amy Hibbard and I (Sarah Aarssen) are trying to rally as many infertile couples and their friends, relatives and neighbors to help us in a letter writing campaign to spread the word about infertility.

On Sunday January 28th, we are asking you to send a quick e-mail to a few of the main media telling your story of infertility (media links provided below). We’ve chosen the 28th to signify the average woman’s cycle and are asking the media to not let another cycle go by with infertility going unnoticed (feel free to include this in your letter).

Not everybody is a letter writer or has the time to tell their whole story so I’ve made some quick, easy, fill in the blank, type form letters to make this easy (see below). Of course you are more than welcome to tell your story however you chose, I’ve created these in order to hopefully make it easier for more people to participate.

Please copy and paste this entire message into any other message board you see fit. Please post this notice on your blogs. Please feel free to e-mail this out to all of your friends and family. The more letters we have sent, the greater chance we have at getting noticed!

If you are not able to participate on Sunday the 28th please don’t let this stop you from sending in a letter. Although we would like to have a big influx of letters all on one day to get the most attention every single letter will count no matter when it is sent.

If you cannot find the time to send to every single media listed please pick the few you do have time to write.

Infertile couples have sat and suffered in silence long enough. Please take the time on Sunday to think about your story or the story of your loved one and help spread the word.

Please email me at sarahaarssen@gmail.com if you have any questions or concerns.

Sincerely,
Sarah Aarssen (and Amy Hibbard) on behalf of all couples suffering with infertility

FORM LETTER:
Dear Sirs,

I am writing in hopes that you will (insert your wish for your letter, do you want to spread the word about infertility, do you want to educate your family and friends on how to deal with you emotionally, do you want to get the attention of your congressmen, do you want to ease the pain of other infertile couples).

My (partner and I, husband and I, daughter, son, cousin, friend) is suffering with (male factor infertility, PCOS, unexplained infertility, endo.etc. or just plain old infertiltly) and have been for (insert amount of time). I’ve decided to take a stand and do what I can to raise awareness.
In a short few lines you can exand on what it is you’re hoping to accomplish by this letter for instance: After 2 years of suffering alone with on my husband to talk with I am ready to tell my story and really educate people on how to be sensitive to my situation. OR: After hearing “relax and it will happen" for the millionth time I need to finally speak out. Or: I am so tired of having insensitive comments thrown at me in every direction and need to let people know it is NOT ok to say _______. OR: I think it’s incredible that insurance in the state of _______ will cover Viagra for an impotent man but not medications for an infertile couple. OR: There are so many people suffering through an array of emotions in dealing with infertility but there is nowhere to turn for help or support. Or: My husband and I are at our wits end and don’t know how to deal with this anymore, it’s tearing our marriage apart.

Nobody is saying anything to the millions of couples who are suffering. Nobody is helping ease our pain. I am reaching out to you in order to ask for your help.

Please help break the silence of infertility. Help us spread the word.

OPTIONAL: You can contact me at ________, I want to tell my story. OR I wish to remain annomous but would love to tell my story in confidence. OR I do not wish to be contacted but wanted to open your eyes to what is going on in the US.

Sincerely,
Your name
Trying to conceive for years, or months or years and cycles
Suffering with ________
Here you can list what you’ve gone through such as 2 failed IUI´s, 3 miscarriages, one sucessful IVF, adoption of baby boy, member of the MSN TTC+ month group (or support group) for how long (or member of whatever group or if you’re not a member of any message board you can leave it blank)
OR
Sincerely,
Your name
Cousin of an infertile couple (mother of an infertile son, friend of an infertile woman)

ANOTHER FORM LETTER EXAMPLE:
Dear Sirs,
My name is _________ and I am infertile (or my partner is infertile or WE are infertile or my daughter suffers with infertility or my son suffers with infertility or my best friend suffers with infertility).
I (we, they) have been trying to have a child for ___________.
I (we, they) suffer with ___________.
I am writing in hopes to help ease my (our, their) pain or in hopes to make it easier for the other infertility sufferers. Please help spread the word of infertility.
Sincerely,
Your name
Trying to conceive for years, or months or years and cycles
Suffering with ________
Here you can list what you’ve gone through such as 2 failed IUI´s, 3 miscarriages, one sucessful IVF, adoption of baby boy, member of the MSN TTC+ month group for how long (or member of whatever group or avid reader of name infertility blog or if you’re not a member of any message board you can leave it blank)
OR
Sincerely,
Your name
Cousin of an infertile couple (mother of an infertile son, friend of an infertile woman)

LIST OF MEDIA TO CONTACT:

O Magazine http://www2.oprah.com/omagazine/omag_email2.jhtml
Oprah Show https://www.oprah.com/plugger/templates/BeOnTheShow.jhtml?action=respond&plugId=B2100004
The Oprah Winfrey Show 110 N. Carpenter Street Chicago IL 60607
Oprah and Friend’s XM Radio-Ask Dr. Robin http://www2.oprah.com/xm/email/xm_email_rsmith.jhtml
Oprah and Friends XM Radio – Ask Gail King http://www2.oprah.com/xm/email/xm_email_gking.jhtml
Dr. Phil – Infertility Specific http://www.drphil.com/plugger/respond/?plugID=11010
Dr. Keith Ablow – Personal Crisis show topic http://drkeith.warnerbros.com/beontheshow/appointment.html
The View
Have Your Say Today The View 320 West 66th Street New York, NY 10023
ABC News (you can pick the program on this site) http://abc.go.com/site/contactus.html?cat=Good%20Morning%20America
Good Morning America 157 Columbus Ave., 6th Floor New York, NY 10023 (Write your name, address, phone # on letter. On outside of envelope, write "story idea")
Today today@nbc.com
NBC Nightly News nightly@nbc.com
The Early Show on CBS
Email: earlyshow@cbs.com Snail mail:
The Early Show c/o CBS News 555 West 57th Street New York, NY 10019
Reader’s Digest
http://www.rd.com/talktous.dowtGroup=RDCOM_NAV&wtID=
Cosmo
http://magazines.ivillage.com/cosmopolitan/connect/
Glamour http://www.glamour.com/contact/youSaidIt
Ladies Home Journal
Letters to the Editor
Ladies' Home Journal 125 Park Avenue
NY, NY 10017
lhj@meredith.com
Discovery Health Network
http://extweb.discovery.com/viewerrelations
Tyra Banks c/o Studio Fan Mail 122 S. Robertson Blvd. #15 Los Angeles, CA 90035

The Beginning...

2007-01-14T16:28:00.000-08:00

This is simply a new space where Josh or I can post when we're both participating in a book club as well as a space for articles and other pertinent information. No need to check back here frequently--it will only be used from time to time and always linked from the main page of Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters.

2006-08-05T17:07:00.000-07:00